Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp

Fighting with hubby

2008-07-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

I know that the hormones are starting to change a bit now that baby is getting ready to come out. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better because of this though? Apparently not. I'm really scared that I'm going to have post-partum depression. What's worse is that I feel so unsupported by my hubby, which is not going to be conducive to a smooth arrival into the world for baby. I really do wish that I could just stay at a family members place for the first 6-8 weeks post-birth like they do in other cultures. All that is expected of you is to nurse, eat, change diapers and sleep. Everyone else caters to you. No wonder Post-partum depression is soooo prevalent in the west! You're expected to 'calf' and get back to work! Well, I am one of the fortunate people wherein I have a good paying job that allows me to have a full year off with benefits and (reduced) pay, which is supplemented to 80% of my earnings for the first 17 weeks, and then down to 55% of my earnings (through EI) for the remainder of the year. I suppose I should be focusing on all of the 'good stuff' that is happening. However readers, as you may know, I have had a bumpy road with this pregnancy. Hormonal fluctuations + bipolar type II + anxiety + me = one crazy woman who is very hard to deal with unless she's got her smile painted on (for church, work, social functions...not for poor hubby).
Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.

I want to clarify:

I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
I am grateful to have found a good man
I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
I am grateful for my job
I am grateful to be a Christian
I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy

However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.

Come on baby!!!

2008-07-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

Still not feeling so hot...I had a great afternoon yesterday, but a crappy sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and my pelvis is killing me!!! It helps when I take tylenol so that's what I've been doing, but I don't want to take too much, even though the pro's say it's safe for pregnancy. I guess I am just really excited to meet my little one, but disapointed that if I go too overdue, I'll have to get induced. Induction would be great if it worked every time! It increases the likelihood of a ceaserean birth by a mile. Oh well. I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't have to worry about that until next Wednesday (if I go 10 days over). I think I just want to experience true labour. I want to experience what God designed my body to do. But hey, I have to just go with the flow. If I'm too anxious, baby won't be going anywhere.
Anyways, enough from me.
Sorry if I seem whiny. You all must be sick of it!

2008-07-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to type today...just not feeling so hot lately is all. My mind is all jumbled so this may not make a lot of sense.
I had a bit of a melt down last night (I say a bit...my husband and mother thought it was more than a bit). I spazzed out and took off with the car for 15 minutes when my husband came home from work. I have been experiencing massive cabin fever since my hubby is still trying to get his vehicle up and running. It's not like I didn't do anything yesterday either...I went to the lake with my sister and her kids. Still, I guess 'cause I felt like a beached whale, didn't have my swimming suit, and wasn't very comfy, it wasn't the outing that I really needed (what that outing is, I don't know).
I was upset with my husband for 2 reasons:

1) lately he has been teasing me about my HUGEness - I know he does it out of fun, but I already feel unattractive enough. Yes I'm carrying a child, but I have gained almost 60 lbs on an already chubby frame, my face is puffy and I have stretch marks all over...ugh. No amount of make-up or hair fixing seems to do anything.

2) as soon as he gets home, he goes to work on his car. I've been home all day; pregnant and kinda lonely, thinking that he thinks I'm a huge unattractive heifer. Then he goes and does something else away from me. Huh. No wonder I think he's serious when he teases me.

So, back to my 'peeling out of the driveway' moment - yeah, I came back 15 minutes later and told my hubby how I felt. He was quite understanding and apologised. He then went and had a shower, and I watched some dumb show on TV. I still didn't feel much better when he came back though. I was still feeling sorry for myself and he got very frustrated with me because of it.
I then called my mom to ask if we could 'borrow' some groceries. She seemed frustrated with me asking so I then told her to forget about it and hung up.
I then had the immense urge to clean up our pig pen house so I started the dishes. My hubby came rushing in and told me he would do them but I didn't care. I wanted to get them done. I then proceeded to clean the entire kitchen and sweep the entire house. Then I mopped the floor. At this time my mom showed up with a bunch of groceries - instead of being grateful and gracious to my poor mother I said, 'What are you doing here???' She was understandingly taken aback by my rudeness. She put the groceries in the kitchen, asked me how I was as I was madly cleaning the floors (to which I shrugged and said 'fine' as I was sweating, huffing and puffing), went outside to breath for a couple of minutes and then left in a huff. I don't blame her. I was being a total bitch. I eventually called her to apologise, again, in manic-y manner. Shge was quite understanding and kind to me, despite how mean I had just been to her. I'm lucky to have such a good mom.
I then continued with my obsessive cleaning regimen when my hubby came and asked me, quite forcefully, to stop and calm down. I eventually did, as my back was aching and I don't think that physically I could have done anymore anyways. Then hubby and I sat down and watched some TV. I swear, 10 minutes later I was completely restored to 'normal Shelly'.
Was that a manic/mixed state, or was it a hormonal influx? Or does it even matter? I don't know...
I do know however, that I am 3 days overdue and really want to meet my baby! There is a lot to think about right now...
I don't know what else to type anymore. My hands hurt anyways. Whatever.

Stupid drama

2008-07-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, this is what we get for having roomates. I can't beleive the shit that is going on in my household days (or even minutes...who knows?) before I go into labour. What did I do to deserve this? All Brad and I want is some peace in our lives after the grueling first 3 years of our marriage. But no...my sister in law had to bring all her shit out on me, and now our tenant downstairs is being a total prick and not cleaning up after his cat. We have told him that the fumes are toxic to me and the baby, but to no avail. He doesn't seem to care at all. Now my hubby wants to kick him out...that would be great if we didn't need the $750 that he contributes each month so badly! His girlfriend is a complete peice of work too...AHHHHHHHHH!!! I can't handle this!!! I hate this!!! Hate this!!! Hate this!!!
I really do wish I had a river I could skate away on, just like the song says...
Guys, if you pray, I could really use it right now...please???

So bored!!!

2008-07-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, it is crunch time! I have sooooo much to do and so little time left to prepare for it. However, my hips hurt, me feet feel huge (and I've been advised to stay off of them) and I decided to have an extra cup of java this morning (against my better judgement). In other words, I want to do all this stuff, but physically, I can't do that much. Without a car I am housebound as well. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Stir crazy city!!! I wish somebody could come along and bonk me on the head to knock me out for a couple of hours just to pass the time! (Who wants my address???)
I keep getting the advice to take it easy because this is the last time I will ever be bored in my life. I can totally appreciate what people are saying to me, but I really hate sitting still. I think that being a mom may just be therapeutic for me! My mom even said that she thinks this child will calm me down. Who knows.
Man, I wish I hadn't had that extra cup of coffee this morning. I'm trying to ween off my clonazepam, but how can I when I'm loading myself up with a stimulant! I had chest pain yesterday too, which I know ids from weening off of the stuff so I had to increase my dosage last night with the plans to cut back again tonight...I guess there will be no sleep for me!!! Not that that's unusual lately. My hips are 'preparing for labour' and are so sore that it makes it next to impossible to have a good slumber. I'm up at least 10 times a night peeing, shifting, eating, sipping my water, tossing...you get the idea. Oh well, I guess God is preparing me for the looming lack of sleep that I will have soon enough! I can't believe that I am due in 4 days! I have a feeling that my little angel will be arriving either right on schedule, give or take a couple of days. I have been massively 'nesting' as they say, and I figure that if my hips hurt this bad, it's because I'll be giving birth sooner rather than later. I just hope I make it to my pedicure appointment tomorrow! Gotta have some lovely toes for the doctor and all the nurses looking down there ya know! Haha! Lol! Anyways, can you tell that I'm hyper? Maybe a little hypo-manic again? (Was I ever not...it's hard to tell...)
Anyways, love to all of you. May God bless you this day and always. Thanks for reading :)
Shebee

Pregnancy update...still pregant

2008-07-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Well, thankfully I do not have toxemia! Yay!!! It's amazing how a little rest and relaxation can drop your blood pressure significantly...I even lost a pound and a half! Weird!

However, I am starving and my carpel tunnel hands are killing me! In other words, this is a short and sweet post.

I will post a more interesting segment tomorrow!!!

Oh, and C.A., thanks so much for your encouraging comment on my previous post :)
Unfortunately my actual e-mail address is not the one listed under my blogger account and I can't seem to figure out how to change the darn thing! I posted a reply comment on my previous blog just for you though!

Cheers all :)

Welcome back hypo-mania!

2008-07-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

I know it seems a little odd to be excited about having my old friend hypo-mania returning, but it sure as HELL beats the depression that has been plaguing me! The only thing I really don't like about it is the anger that comes with it. But let me tell you: waking up actually feeling excited about the day has been a long overdue treasure that I have missed for months!
It's probably got a lot to do with my decrease in seroquel lately. My pdoc said that if I do okay on 200 instead of 300mg I should be ok to stay at that dosage, since baby is coming any day now. Now it's the daunting task of decreasing my clonazepam. I hate being on it. I feel like a druggy as it's a 'controlled substance'. At least the pharmacist had me feeling that way when I asked for an advance 'cause I had no money to purchase my last prescription. She said it really loud too...it was soooo embarassing! I already feel shitty enough having to take all these stupid meds while I'm pregnant, but for her to draw attention to me like that in the pharmacy at my local grocery store was really, like I said, embarrassing! I can't wait to be off of them. I only take 1 mg a day, so I'll start to decrease that probably tonight by .5 mg. My anxiety and depression have been soooo bad during my pregnancy that I was unable to decrease them unless I wasn't working. Now that I'm not working anymore and there are only 11 days left before baby is due, it's about high time. Baby seems totally fine, but still, there is a risk of withdrawal for the poor little one . Wow, that makes me feel guilty as sin!!! But hey, I've been under the direction of a reproductive psychiatrist...she knows what she's doing. She constantly reminds me that it's better that I'm a healthy mom for my baby than suffering through without the aid of meds. The biggest concern I had was neural tube defects as a result of the paxil and that's a non-issue anymore. Oh yeah, and I was worried about cleft palate from the lamectal, but when I saw my little baby's face on the 3D ultrasound, everything was fine. I still am, however, a little concerned about the chance of downe's as I opted out of getting the amniocentesis when I got a low positive result on my triple screening test. Everything looks and sounds and feels normal though. I'm pretty darn sure that baby is just fine. If baby does have downe's, that's just something that Brad and I will have to take in stride. We love our little munchkin, no matter what. Abortion was not an option for us (morally) so I guess that's that. God will take care and provide for us.
Anyways, I don't know if I mentioned that there is a chance that I will be induced this Friday. It depends upon the results from my 24 hour urine test (yeah, I had to pee into a jug for 24 hours!!! hahahaha!!! I laughed when they gave me the big orange thing at the biomedical lab). If the urine has too much protein in it, it could be that I have pregnancy induced toxemia. If that's the case, my obgyn will want to get baby out asap. I could be a full fledged mother by Friday! Holy smokes!!! But I guess it's either Friday or a week or two from then anyways. I'm not too worried 'cause I feel fine and we basically have everything ready for baby anyways (the only things we still need are a nice comfy chair for me for feeding, and a good supportive snugly - two items which we can get by without for the first little bit anyways).
But yeah, back to the hypo-mania. It sure is great to type and not look back over everything I just typed thinking, 'boy am I dumb'. It sure is great to have good dreams at night, and it sure is great that I actually have been sleeping (which doesn't fit the classic hypo-mania, but hey, it's better than not sleeping due to bad dreams and dreadful feelings). I don't like, however, my anger as I stated before. I have been blowing up at my husband nightly for the past I think 4 nights. Everything that I have been 'blowing up' about has been valid, but my reactions have not been. It's hard to know if the anger is me with my past, my disorder, the hormones of pregnancy, stress (which has been huge lately; see my previous post if you feel so inclined) or all things combined. I do know, however, that as long as I air my feelings out to people I know care for me, I feel better. I just really hope that my support system is around for when baby arrives. It really depends on when junior decides to make his or her appearance. A lot of my friends are going on holidays in the next few weeks, my in laws live halfway across the country (and my father-in-law is still in a medically induced coma in the ICU at the Ottawa general from what seems to be a rare strain of bacterial meningitis), my best friend is also in hospital, I'm not working anymore and I don't really have a super close connection with anyone at work, my church is supportive, but the attenders all live a city away (I commute about a half hour to get to church 'cause it's totally worth it), My mom works full time and my sister has two kids of her own. And as for Brad, well, his heart is mostly with his father right now, which I TOTALLY understand, but still, it's hard. (I do think that once baby arrives he will be more emotionally available, and he is taking off 2 weeks of holidays as soon as I give birth, so that's good!)
All is not lost! After I told them how worried I was about not having the support I need after baby is born, my mom and sister told me that they are working on getting a support network for me for the first 6 weeks or so post-partum. Whether these people are strangers or not, I don't know, but at this point I don't really care! As long as they are nice and willing to give me a little help I am thrilled! Plus the community health nurse will be visiting me at least once in the first week or so.
Anyways, I think I'm rambling. So much to think about though!!! Race, race, race goes the mind...

So long, no type

2008-07-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while...again!!! A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks! For one, I'm 6 weeks closer to giving birth! ACK! For two, I'm off work now and kinda bored, believe it or not!
For three, our kitty never came home :( For four, my hubby's dad was in the psych unit at a hospital out in Ontario for panic/anxiety disorder for a couple of weeks. He came home and then 2 days later had to be rushed to the Ottawa general as he picked up bacterial meningitis from his previous hospiutal stay. He's in rough shape, but doctor's believe he'll pull through. And for five, my best friend has been hospitalized in a mood disorder ward. All in all, it's been a bit stressful lately. I have been sooooooo miserable lately too. My poor husband. I fluctuate between absolute paralyzing fear and anxiety, to horrible lashing out in anger, to feeling just dandy, all in a matter of hours. It's really, very draining. I see my counsellor tomorrow. However, I don't feel like it does that much for me, accept to bring up painful crap that makes me sad. Rip that old band-aid right off...nice and slow.
I am enjoying a book right now though. 'An unquiet mind'. It's really quite good and I can relate to most of it (it's an autobiography of a famous psychiatrist with bipolar disorder). I am also read8ing 'pregnancy blues' which goes into detail about the hormonal/neurotransmitter connection with dperession during and after pregnancy. My depression/anxiety has been pretty bad during my pregnancy. I ended up having to increase rather than decrease my paxil. Oh well, what do ya do. Baby seems fine so that's all that matters.
I am bored...and I'm starting to get really aggitated with myself and the fact that I can't type very well and that it takes me a lot longer to type than the average person at my age. I'm being random now...oh well. Whatever. Roar, now I'm in a bad mood.

Worried

2008-05-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the internet is finally up and running at my house! Yipeee!!! Things are staring to settle down around here. However, I'm worried for a few reasons:
a) Labour is approaching at an alarming pace, and I am scared to death about the pain I am going to go through, having never gone through it before
b) Our kitty is missing and my heart is broken over that...he's been missing since Wednesday morning :(
c) My good friend is really struggling and I am worried sick about her, but hardly know what to say or do, as I am in a fragile state myself
d) I don't really like my new pdoc - she doesn;t seem to 'get' me
e) We still have A LOT of setting up and purchasing of baby stuff to do before baby arrives and it seems that nothing is done and the bills keep pouring in!!!
Anyhow, that's why I'm worried. I know the bible says to "cast all your cares upon (Jesus), because he cares for you" but I am a natural worrier. I really have to work on that. That's all I have to type for now. I'll type more later on.
See ya

Struggling along

2008-05-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a huge blow up the other night. It ended with me hanging up on my mother, and attacking my husband (physically). Stress + Shelly = bad things. I don't really feel the urge to give too many details, just that it was an awful situation. My mom ended up calling my hubby and telling him that she didn't care if I went to Hell or not. That is not like my mom at all to say something like that. I am very hurt. I wouldn't be if she wasn't so Christian. I called to apologize and left a message but neither my mom or dad have called me back. I am hurt, but worse than that, I am worried that I will end up hurting my unborn child because of my stupid anger/bipolar disorder.
I talked to my counsellor about it all and she suggested marital counselling for hubby and I, and she reiterated what my pdoc said about the anger management classes/training. I am all about the marital counselling, however, I'm not 100% sure about the anger management stuff.
My family life growing up was a training ground for rage and bitterness. However, I do have bipolar disorder, which could be a major factor in my angry outbursts. Anger management training may just leave me frustrated and feeling more hopeless than ever. Still, I think I need to give it a try. I am saddened, deeply saddened right now. I have hurt those that love me quite deeply.
My hubby has decided to forgive me, but I don't know about my mom and dad. Wasn't moving closer to them supposed to be a good thing?

Busy busy busy!

2008-05-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well, moving is stressful. I know you all know that, but really...holy crap! Thank goodness we're out of the old and in the new, but still, there is sooooooooooo much to do! I am actually at my parents house right now rushing to blog as I know I haven't for a while because I know I won't have any chance of it at home (besides our cable, internet and phone doesn't get hooked up 'till Tuesday). I am thankful that it went fairly smoothly though, despite the fact that I have been working all throughout (my next day off is Tuesday...ugh). I am also very thankful to be in a larger place...I just have to remember to take it one day at a time, otherwise I will turn into a complete basket-case! Lists, I need to make lists...
Anyways, sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately...I have dropped off the face of the planet for this last week (I especially mean this for you Jena...soooo sorry!!!)
As for moods...not too hsabby, considering what is going on in my life right now. Stressed about finances more than anything, but I seem to be handling it well. I have a counselling appointment on Tuesday so hopefully we can tackle some of my issues surrounding money=stress=anger=rage...
My pdoc recommended that I go to an anger management program for woman out of a very good hospital in Vancouver. I'm pretty sure that I will be signing up. I really need to know how to get this anger out in a good way.
Anyways, gotta go.

Update

2008-04-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few days since my 'crash'. I have been feeling a lot more normal now, which is absolutely wonderful! Today is 'partial' moving day (we're doing the rest on the 1st) and I am unfortunately unable to help because I have hurt my foot somehow (I think it's the baby weight causing strain). Normally, I would feel helpless and hopeless right now, but strangely, I feel no guilt or frustration...I just know that I can only do what I can do! I'm thinking rationally...clearly! Sigh of relief! There is so much to do too, but I still don't feel overwhelmed as I am a lucky woman and I have people in my life who are understanding and are willing to help me with the move, no questions asked (or guilt trips played).
I had a really great night last night too. I went out for one of my best friends' birthdays and we had a great night. It was close and intimate. Nothing to cause anxiety over. No new people I didn't know, just good, old friends. We all caught up and it was great! I had to watch myself though...I tend to talk about baby/expecting a little too much...I'm just excited though!!! Talk about a life altering change! But still, for those who aren't in my shoes, well...it can be a bit tiresome, I'm sure.
Anyways, I'm gonna go and read some blogs now. I hope and pray that you are all well.

Whoah Nelly...

2008-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing a mixed state for the last few days prior, but yesterday was definately depression. I am going to post something that is not for the faint of heart. It was something that I typed out of emotional agony last night. There is some swearing, and it is extremely negative. If you are feeling low, maybe skip this one. If you aren't, maybe you could gie me some of your insight...? Anways, here goes:

So dreadful, so alone. I can’t escape this body of death. Despair, rejection, fear, frustration. I am the one who got away. I am the one whom God’s grace could not cover. I am that one. That is the way I feel. I hate feelings. I hate my sickness. I hate how it seems to control my life. I hate even more that others don’t see it for what it is and think that I have nothing better to do than to feel sorry for myself. I long to feel wholeness. Has any wholeness I’ve ever felt been real? Or has it been a hypo-manic or manic episode?
Is Brad really the man I was supposed to marry, or did I fuck that one up too? I should have stayed single? What about this precious being in my womb? What about them? They MUST have a purpose here. Why would I have been in this situation otherwise? Maybe there really is no point to life. I thought that life was about God, goodness, kindness, gentleness, etc. All I feel is dread, dread, dread. I put on a good show though don’t I? Nobody at work would ever suspect. Or would they? My fears of being ‘found out’ realized? I have so much shit in this mind of mine. So much putrid filth and shit. The muck and mire. The disgusting toxic bitterness and hatred of years past and present. Apparently, the bible tells me that there is a way out of this distress. That is to ‘trust God’. How can I trust God when God wasn’t there for me when I needed Him the most? Oh wait, He was there, but he was in disguise and let bad things happen to me. He lets bad things happen to a lot of people. We are owed something good in life, aren’t we? Instead, it all comes back to the putrid filth and shit in my head. The ‘Shelly, you’re a failure’ or, ‘Shelly, you’ll never amount to anything…loser, pig, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless…’. I have failed at so many avenues in my life. As a student, in my finances, in my career, in my marriage, in being a step-parent, in being a daughter, in being a friend, in being a Christian, in being a human being.
Anxiety, fear, hatred. Loathing of oneself is never a good thing; however, it seems to plague my thought life more often than not. I want to die. I don’t want this baby to be born to me. Worse yet, I fear that this baby won’t love me when he/she finds out what a mess I am. If I have failed at everything else in my life, why not parenthood? I know Oriah doesn’t give two shits about me. What makes me think my birth child will?
Life is hard, no one said it wouldn’t be. Maybe I am one of the few that just can’t hack it. Maybe I should leave this place ahead of my time. Baby would be better off without me. I can’t do that to baby. He/she would think that I abandoned them, when really, he/she is the only thing keeping me alive inside right now. I can’t give up now, especially not now. Though I crave to escape from this pit of despair

Now for today:
I feel great...totally hypo-manic. I was smiley and friendly all day today. I had extra wit and charm. I ate properly. I made myself look pretty. It was crazy at work today but I managed to thrive due to my surplus of energy. I have been thanking God and praising Him all day.
I find iwhat I wrote last night to be very disturbing. I could NEVER abandon my loved ones, let alone my brand new baby. I know that God has a purpose for my life. Yes there has been sadness in my life, but without manure, what beautiful bloom can grow? Who hasn't experienced pain in their life?
What is real? What are the hormones? What is my illness? Wow, I'm confused; more than that, I'm scared.
But, on a lighter note, I must agree with Jenalexa in a recent blog of hers...being hypo-manic sure is awesome while it lasts!!! I really hope it lasts...actually no. I crave normalcy. Normal will do.
Until tomorrow...Shebee

Uncomfortable in my own skin

2008-04-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Feeling very ....weird today. Last night wasn't good either. Is it another mixed state? Did I end up throwing up my meds on Sunday morning? I just feel so out of sorts and all over the place. Extremely paranoid for one thing...I hate this...dread creeps into my gut and I can't seem to get it out. I feel like an awful person. An awful wife, and awful friend, an awful employee...you get the idea. Maybe this is depression rearing its ugly head again. Who knows. I don't!
Sometimes I wonder if I should even be working anymore. I know I'm productive when I get there (for the most part), but it's the fear, the dread, and the getting there that feels sooooo difficult. I don't feel as though anyone of my staff members would be kind and understanding if they really knew what was going on in my personal life. I feel as though half of them have already guessed, and those are the half that have little or no compassion for people suffering with mental illness.
Only 3 months left though, before I go on my maternity leave...only 3 months...
I can do this!!!
God, please give me an understanding friend at work...please...let me be able to vent every now and then to them...please help me out of this slimy pit that I seem to have sunken into... and please help my family understand me better so that they can help me better...please help us to get through the move to our new house without me going completely insane, and please give me grace towards my sister-in-law, so that I hold no resentment towards her. Thank you for Your goodness and Your grace. Please give me the strength that I do not have. I love you Lord. Amen.

Stomach flu from %$#@!

2008-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

Holy smokes, nothing like a horrid stomach flu to make you realize what you're missing in day to day life. I went out for Mexican food on Saturday and when I got home, I started to feel a bit queazy. I figured it was just the spice and the amount of food I had ingested. Well, I didn't end up sleeping much and when I did wake up at about 6-am, I was in agony. My stomach was so sore and I couldn't get comfortable. At around 10-am, that's when the spew-fest began...ugh. I then proceeded to call my friend whom I had eaten the mexican food with, and she was just fine. I know that a horrible stomach flu is traveling all over the lower mainland of BC, (particularly because half the staff at my job have been off sick with it) so I put 2 and 2 together and...well, you get the idea. I have also had the other wonderful symptoms associated with this nasty bug, which I know you know full well, so I won't go there, and my temperature yesterday was 102.5 degrees. This was particularly worrisome as I am almost 7 months pregnant and I was very worried about baby. Baby seems to be just fine though. Even though I hardly ate at all yesterday, baby is still kicking up a storm. I was able to eat some cereal and coffee this morning, with a little discomfort, but hey, I gotta eat, so that's good.

Anyways, now for my moods. I have been noticing a pattern. Every other week seems to present itself with a mixed state of a few days or so. In this mixed state, I am usually bawling at commercials, throwing things at my husband, and smacking my head against the wall (literally...last night we almost had to get the spackle out). It really frustrates me. I feel good for about 10 days and then, yikes! Watch out, here comes psycho pregnant lady! The thoughts in my head are horrible too...very disturbing and guilt provoking. Perverted, angry, destructive...you name it. I almost feel like I need to be delivered from a demonic hold on my life when those thoughts come. But, because I am a bipolar II/anxiety suffering person, I don't want to over spiritualize anything. All I know though, is that I:

a. feel far from God

b. feel crazy

c. feel guilty for making my husband crazy

d. feel scared of how good a mom I'll be

e. feel like killing my loved ones

There are many other things too, but I can't figure them all out right now. You with bp know what I'm talking about. I just know that I'm really struggling to feel peace. I am constantly wanting to be busy with something so I don't have to think. The carpel tunnel in my wrists and my being sick this weekend have forced me to slow down...maybe that's why my blog is longer today...I need/ed to vent I guess.

Anyways, I gotta rest my wrists now. My massage therapist would kill me if he saw me typing when I don't actually have to for work.

Update...short and sweet

2008-04-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

So we found a place that is PERFECTO for us, my sis-in-law is not driving me as mental, ()and plans to move out in 6 months or so, baby is doing well, and my mood seems to have stabilized after a wacko 3 day mixed state last weekend. Thank you God. I would type a heck of a lot more but my wrists are causing my hands to go numb and I don't have my braces on them (tisk tisk!) so I need to get going. Love and hugs.
Shebee

Frustration!!!

2008-03-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely excited and blessed to have this little bundle of wonder in my belly. However, there are a few things that are driving me mad!!! One in particular is my bilateral carpel tunnel syndrome (which will make my blogging a lot less frequent and or a lot more brief). It was brought on by the water retention of pregnancy...ugh. Secondly, I'm not too keen on the sciatica I am experiencing on my left side either! And finally, I am so sick and tired of being a total ball of hormonal craziness. I'm used to being bipolar, for the most part, but this is rediculous!!! One minute I'm having the time of my life, the next I'm bawling my eyes out, the next I'm ripping a strip off of my poor husband...ugh. I know though, that the miracle going on right as we speak makes everything worth it. I love you baby...no matter what you're putting me through now or ever...

I'm trying to get to the bottom of some of my frustration lately. I know that a big part of it is that our home is too small for all of us (all of us = my husband, my sister-in-law, myself, my step-son every other weekend, oh, and our cat) The thing is, my sis-in-law wasn't here very often before when she was dating this particular fellow. Now they've broken up and she's dating someone new who is much better for her (yay!) However, having her here more often is trying at times. I'm just not used to it. It was great when she was here during the week but not on weekends, so that Brad and I could have some alone time. Now she's here 24/7 it seems, and because she's Brad's twin, it's almost like having two of my husbands around. Bless their hearts, but I can only handle one!!! Lord give me patience! It's hard too, having a mood disorder and wondering if she thinks I'm crazy, where I know Brad can relate (he has depression) and he knows me and loves me just the same. I don't know where Sabrina stands with my whole 'mood problem'. And when baby comes, I don't know if I'm going to get worse or not. How is she going to be around me then??? Will she be understanding? God, I need a break!!! A vacation with my husband???!!! That's all I ask...before the baby gets here...please...? Sabrina plans to live with us for another year or so before she heads out on her own, in case you were wondering. We have all discussed it and said that it's fine...oh me and my BIG yap...
Now I feel bad...she really isn't a burden...it's just, well, I just want some quality time with Brad while we have time to have it! Once baby gets here, well, that's it...no more newlyweds...not that we really ever had an opportunity to even have that! We had Oriah for the first two and a half years of marriage, now we have Sabrina!!! (Oriah lives primarily with his mother now...looooooooooong story...he's doing failry well though, which is what matters most)
Whatever...uh oh, I'm starting to feel a pity party coming on...time to stop typing! Besides, my wrists are killing me! Will type more soon.

A Long Hiatus

2008-03-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG while and a lot has happened since my last entry. Most significantly and importantly, I am 22 weeks pregnant with my first child. Baby is moving up a storm and mommy is gaining lots of weight, so I'm sure all is going well. All of my ultrasounds/blood tests have come back normal too, so that's a bonus. (Well, there was one test that came back saying that baby has a 0.6% chance of having Downe's syndrome, but that was the only 'negative' test result I've had. I'm a little concerned, but I opted out of having the amnio as it seems so intrusive and barbaric; plus, I'm not even considering abortion, so really, what would the point be? Just to know for 5 months longer that my baby will have different needs than the average child?)
Unfortunately, my moods have gotten worse as a result of pregnancy. Fortunately though, I am now under the care of a reproduction psychiatrist at the women's hospital in my area. AND, for the first time since I was 'daignosed', I got a straight answer about 'what I have':
Biploar type II with GAD symptoms. Thank you God!
But yeah, I have not been having the easiest time, mood-wise. Neither have the people around me. I'm either bawling my eyes out, screaming my head off, or spending money we don't have and not sleeping. Good times. (I'm being slightly sarcastic there). Work has been pretty tough, but I have to bring home some of the bacon or else Brad and I will starve or be homeless.
I'm not in the best way today, nor have I been for the past 3 days. Easter used to be such a special time for me. A time of genuine gratitude for what the Lord did for us 2000 years ago. This weekend I felt numb, and ashamed for it. I cried after church because I long to feel that same way again...it's hard to know what's making me numb too. Is it my meds? Is it my circumstances (There is a lot of stress going on, what with baby, moving to a bigger place, finances...)? Is it a personal flaw within me? Am I just spoiled rotten just like a child who has had too much candy and now feels sick from it? Who knows.
Well, I don't know what else to type, so I'll leave it at that. Hopefully I will find it in myself to get back on here before the baby is due!!! Until then...

Discouragement sucks

2007-10-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while as I always blog when I'm feeling shitty. Therefore, I have been feeling pretty good lately...until today. I know that I shopuld share my joys and sorrows on this thing, but for me, I need an outlet when I feel down or hwen I'm on the low swing of my bipolarness.
Ther are a couple of people that I work with that I feel condemned by. I feel that they don't respect me, and that they are annoyed by me. I am a people pleaser so you can imagine the emotional torment that I'm feeling right now. Ugh.
Why do I care so much? Probaly stems from my childhood. When I was between the ages of 9-12 I was really heavy for my age and got teased quite a lot and scorned by the other girls around me. I think that the insecurites from that time in my life are manifesting. I feel so awkward around strong female personalities. I am angry at them and I feel very vulnerable. I have been really working hard at managing my anger as the Lord has opened my eyes to see the extent of the hurt I've been causing my loved ones. Is He dealing with me about this also? Probably. I hate this journey sometimes. I feel lost and scared. I just want to go home, lie down, and eat some cookies. That's my flesh talking though.

Finally!

2007-08-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I know that being happy about circumstances can lead to disaster, but once in a while it is okay:)
I finally moved past my loss of 20lbs to 25 lbs! Yay! It has been over 2 months since the scale budged (although I had been losing a lot of inches). Anyways, I just wanted to share that tidbit of happy news with you :)
I finally fit into my honeymoon clothes again (it's been 2 years!) Yay!!
Thank you Jesus for your earthle belssings. Please help me tio continue to reach my goal for 80lbs and please keep my heart set on things above, and not just circumstances. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
:)

hmmmmm

2007-08-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again after a long hiatus from my blog. I think because I am soooo honest on this blog, it's kinda like a couselling session. I don't know about the rest of you but soemtimes when I'm done after couselling I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. See, I spent soooo many years denying that I had any problems and thinking that if people knew what was really going on they would either not like me or not believe me. I put up a facade for a LONG time. (at least until the age of 24). I am still not used to talking about my problems and feeling that they are valid. Am I just a whiner? Or did I really go throught the ringer off and on in my life? It's hard to know when your self-esteem is so low.
I know I said in so many words that counselling is not my favortie thing, but I think I will be contacting my human resourses department about the free counselling they provide (I think it's 6 sessions a year). I really need to get back to right thinking and positive believing. I have been a lot better lately, but I can't tell if that's just my facade or not. I am so numb sometimes...it's crazy. I hate false guilt. Did my dad really hurt me or am I just making that up like he says I am? Is my situation with my step-son really all that difficult or am I just weak? These are questions that flood my mind constantly. Do I have a right to be sad? Ugh...
Why can't I think in black and white. Why can't I cast all my cares upon Jesus? I try, but then I reclaim them from Him...
One good thing though...I will be singing again at my new church come September! I am very excited about that. It is a very intimate way that I express myslef to my saviour. I am so thankful that He has given me this new opportunity. Anyways, thanks Mel and Kansas for your comments on my last blog. Mel, I really have a hard time regularly spending tie with God and 'praying without ceasing', but I am gonna try my best and follow your advice...you are right, I really need that in my life.
Kansas, thanks for being such a cool dudette and for relating to me in my posts so well. I just read and commented on your blog (for the first time, I know!) and I think we have a lot of stuff in common. Thanks for your honest cofessions about your life...you make me feel better about my own situation, knowing that someone else struggles with similar feelings and such. Not that I want you to struggle, but you know what I mean (I hope!)
Anyhow, I've gotta go squish some more boobs now (I'm a mammography technologist - not a pervert)
Love to all and thanks for reading.
Shebee

My secret world

2007-08-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is not the facade I play with friends, at work, facing the world. This is who I am deep inside. This is my secret world where I share things just to get them off my chest. I may sound bleak and depressed...maybe I am, maybe I am having a fleeting emotional outburst...not even I know.

Blech

2007-07-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

I find myslef sad today...I am feeling sorry for myself again. I wish I didn't have this illness...I feel like it's not tangible so I have nothing to complain about. I've tried to say to myslef that it is a 'physiological chemical imbalance' but I don't even know if that's true. Maybe the abuse from my past is what triggered it and I am just a weak person...? And even the abuse from my past was a piece of cake compared to some other people's pasts. I went to a different church yesterday and left feeling worse that I had coming in. The worship was great, but the message completely convicted me and made me feel solemn and sorrowful for all of my mistakes. I wast to feel free but can't seem to reach the branch above me to get out of this slimy pit of despair. I am also saddened that one of my good blogging buddies no longer has a blog and I miss her comments and words of encouragement. Sad, sad, sad...is this all there is to my life? I don't want tobe drowning in self-pity all the time...paranoid that people don't like me and are talking about me and my 'problems'...ugh...
Please Jesus, let a new song to come into my heart oh God, heal my wounds and make me who You want me to be. Amen

How great is our God

2007-07-10T22:20:00.001-07:00

Self Pity

2007-07-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

First off, thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and you prayers. They were very much felt and appreciated. I just want to let you know however, that I was feeling hopeless, but like I said in my poem, I can't rely on feelings. I hold on to the scripture that one of you sent to me from the book of Isaiah "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (40:31) - thankyou for that Mel.
Still I do feel 'faint'. I'm just so sad and frustrated. I know I'm in a depressed state. But I will ride it out. I will be ok. I hate bathing myself in self-pity, so it's only a matter of time before I give it up. I just pray that I will not feel overwhelmed with everyday tasks, such as work, cleaning, making dinner...etc.
I am going to try and sleep now. I love this community and I thank all of you for your support and prayers.
Goodnight.
Shebee

hopeless

2007-06-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

It all seems very hopeless
tears run down my cheeks
sorrow rears it's ugly head
It's been this way for weeks

When will the suffering end my Lord
I know that you are real
but in the midst of all this strife
Your love is hard to feel

I feel so sick inside my soul
From it I cannot hide
In my heart I know you're with me
In my head you're hard to find

I feel so utterlly hopeless
this I can't deny
but I can't rely on feelings
or I'd bid myself to die

Dear Jesus, please help me through this awful, hatred-filled mess. I am so tired of hating. I am so tired of being bitter. I am so tired of feeling misunderstood. I am so tired of advice that crushes my soul. Please God...bring peace to my tormented spirit.

Stressful days

2007-06-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a bit better, thanks to all that commented on my latest (and most depressing) blog. I still feel the underlying sadness, but I have taken steps to overcome it. I was mad at my husband for numerous reasons, so I talked to him, found out he was equally mad at me for numerous reasons as well, and we hashed it out. Then we decided (after we had cooled our tempers and had made up) to go for a 'date' on Tuesday. That was step one. Step two was eating healthier again. I have been exercising, but I haven't been eating for weight loss lately. Yesterday and today I have done well (so far). I have begun to try quitting smoking again (yes, I started again, but not without EXTREME conviction in my heart)...I have the patch on as we speak. I have been praying more again, which always helps.
Still I have a deep rooted sadness. Most of it stems from my troubled step-son, I just can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel on that one. He is SO troubled. His 'other' family is evil, absolutely evil. I just don't feel like I can take it anymore...I'm at such a loss as to what to do with him. Half of me wants to hang in there, the other half of me just wants to give up and move out for a while. I wouldn't want to separate from my husband, but I can't handle my step-son, I just can't take him and his crazy family anymore. I really need God's help. I really need support. I really need God's grace to help me to love him beyond human comprehension, even though he bullies other children and hits us, etc.
I'm at a loss...

Dying Inside

2007-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

My heart aches...my soul aches...I'm so pissed off right now...I hate my life...I hate this disease...
I hate everything. I am sooooooooo low...what is wrong with m y medications??? I am so sick and tired of being up, then down, up then down...I hate this..I am so sad and I want to die...I pray for death...please God, take me from this disgusting and horrible life...I hate me...

Coming out of the shadows

2007-06-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better, thank you to all of you who encouraged me with my loss last weekend. Amazingly, I felt better by Tuesday. Usually, when I was more unstable, it would have taken me at least a week before I could even come back to work after a situation llike that. This time, I only needed one day off to regroup and recoup. Of coarse it still saddens me, but I know a lot of ladies who have been through the same thing as me and they have gone on to have healthy children. And hey, it got me to quit smoking and to take better care of myself...that is a miracle in and of itself. It also helped me to take the plunge and (with my physicians guidance) decrease my paxil and clonazepam, as they are potentially harmful to a fetus, even at the low dosages I am on.

As for this week, it has been up and down. I have been rather grouchy and quick tempered with my husband and step-son. Whether it has anything to do with my paxil/clonazepam decrease and stressful weekend, I'm thinking probably. I have just been feeling an overall frustration and a haziness in my head. My tummy has been in mini knots too...not completely unbearable knots, just mini ones.

As for my day...well, it started out wonderful. I finally went back to Marja's church (where I spoke and sung with Chalexa a few weeks back). Before I got to church, however, my car over-heated, so I ended up being 15 minutes late. I knew that the devil didn't want me going to a church that I really felt comfortable in, so I just pressed on and made sure I got there (after a quick trip to the gas station to buy some coolant). My perseverance payed off and I had a wonderful time at church. I felt a little awkward at first but then Marja found me and sat with me (thanks again for that Marja :) you're great!) I also made a big decision today too; I decided to start tithing again. I have been meaning to for years, but meaning to and doing are completely different things. I feel so satisfied that I obeyed God. I don't think that I have really 'obeyed' him for a long time. I have done things out of guilt and pressure, but not out of a longing to please my creator. All in all, it was a very positive experience and I will be returning with hubby in arm next Sunday.

After church I went to the gym and had a great workout: 45 minutes of intense cardio (it's great for my heart, my weight loss, and my mental health! I'm down 18 lbs by the way!) and 20 minutes of weight training and abs.

Then I got home and got ready to go out to my Dad's birthday party at my parents' house.

When we left, this was when things changed. My step-son began being extremely rude to both myself and his father, and it was pressing on my last nerve. I felt the anger bubbling up, so I turned on the music and pretended everything was hunky dory (ignoring his verbal jabs and huffing) and eventually he fell asleep. Peace at last...? Well, we then went to the mall to get my dad something for his birthday and that actually went quite smoothly, as I just flew into future shop and bought him a gift card. fewf. Next stop was the liquor store to buy him a 6 pack of his favorite beer (for those of you who read my blog and are from anywhere other than Canada, we don't have alcohol for sale in our grocery stores). Well, this is where it gets tense. We go to the liquor store, and what do ya know, it's closed down. Well, then we remember that there is another one across town...we go there - that one has since closed down too!!! There was someone there, however, to let us know that there was a new liquor store kitty corner to where we had just driven from!!!

By this time my tummy was grumbling and I was getting annoyed. So we decided to pick up some appetizers and a card for my dad at the grocery store. Well, we got our stuff (all the while my step-son woke up and began being very rude to us again) and headed out to the car. We then drove to the parking lot across the street to get to the new liquor store. I checked my purse. I checked it again. My bank card was gone. I checked my back pockets...nothing. I checked the car. Nothing. Brad and I figured that I had left it at the grocery store, so back we went across the street to the grocery store parking lot. I parked in a no parking zone and jumped out while Brad and my step-son stayed in the car. The lady at the register, unfortunately, did not have my bank card (to my frustration! That was the last place I used it, so naturally it would be there...no?) Well, then I came out to the car in a huff, flipping out that I couldn't find my bank card. I started searching everywhere I could think of, and at one point I guess my butt was sticking too far out of the car while I was frantically looking for my card under the seat, and some guy in a big truck honked at me (I was in a no parking zone, after all). I stood up, rolled my eyes in frustration,(not necessarily at him but at the situation at hand), and then he proceeded to cuss at me. I didn't care though, my bank card was missing!!! Well, the guy from the truck passed by us on his way into the grocery store and he cussed me out again! This time I didn't hear it, but Brad did. Have I ever mentioned that when my husband is stressed out, he can become an absolute maniac? Well, because of his son's rudeness, he was stressed. He immediately cussed back at the guy and ran into the store after him! Shortly thereafter he came back out and said, "Let's go...NOW!!!" Well, I didn't know what had happened in there and frankly, at that moment I didn't care. I was determined to find my bank card in the store! So, against my husbands wishes, I went into the store, and wouldn't you know it, all the managers were out and about, looking around for my husband so they could call the cops on him! I quickly retraced my steps to see if I had dropped my bank card on the floor anywhere and then I took off and jumped in the car, sped away and spazzed at Brad for whatever he had done. I found out after that Brad had just spoke to the man to defend my honour, but when he kept cussing at Brad, Brad decided to 'belly-check' him, almost knocking the cussing man to the ground!!! "What the heck is going on????" Is what I was thinking.

Then I remembered...I went to a wonderful service at church and I tithed 10% of our earnings for the week. I had obeyed God twice in the same instance. The devil was NOT happy with me. So, instead of completely spazzing out, I calmly called my bank to cancel my card, and then drove to my parents house. I did light up a cigarette, which was not a good thing, but I figured after that moment, I needed one (or at least me flesh did). Brad, my step-son and I then went on to have a fine evening, and now everything seems to be ok. I am still stressed that the police may end up knocking on our door because of Brad's temper...but what can you do? What's done is done, I can't change it.

Anyways, that was my day. Could you that pray please pray for protection for Brad, my step-son and I? That would be awesome. Thanks.

Shebee

What a day

2007-05-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

I sit here thinking, pondering over what has just happened. My mind is racing yet standing still. I am exhausted from the tears and the physical pain. I jut want to sleep the sadness away until it is a mere distant memory.

I found out on Thursday that I was pregnant (Brad and I weren't trying). I immediately quit smoking, started researching all about my meds and there contraindications with pregancy (and decreased them accordingly), started researching everything about how to be the healthiest expectant mom out there, booked anapointment with my gp, and finally, by today, I was excited (and past the bitchiness from quitting smoking).
However, after a lot of cramping and spotting, I went to emergency while I was working and wouldn't you know it, found out that I miscarried.

Just as soon as I had accepted it and had started t0 get excited about it, I found out that it was a failed attempt...a spontaneous abortion as they call it in the medical field.

That is all for now. I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully wake up tomorrow morning hardly remembering any of this...oh dare to dream...

sad

2007-05-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble today...feeling kinda sad and melancholy.

I just went to my work mates bridal shower, and you would think that I would have been happy to be there, but I just put up a good front.

I guess I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. My stepson had to come with me because no one was willing to watch after him...not my mom and dad, not my sister and brother-in-law. They all seem to think that he is the hugest burden of all time. I would like to know how they would feel if they were in my situation and I never helped them! This is not the first time this has happened. I feel very frustrated, especially with my sister's husband, as he's the one that said that to watch after my stepson would just be 'way to stressful' for him. He's this Holier than thou art type of Christian, so it just pisses me off all the more. Now I'm gossiping. Whoops.

I also found out the other day that when I was going through a really rough time in my life (when I was first diagnosed and when things between my stepson's mom and our household were at an all time awful), some of my 'friends' at work were talking about me; saying that my situation was just an excuse to get sloppy with my work. Ouch. I wish the person that told me about those comments never had. She even regretted telling me after, as she could see how much I was hurt by it. (not to mention I became obsessive about asking her 'Who? Who said it? Who???' She didn't tell me.

Now I'm paranoid. Oh great.

Chalexa and I had a good conversation about all this yesterday and she made me feel a lot better...but with me, it doesn't take just one encouraging conversation to get over something. I'll need to vent to approximately 500 people and get their feedback, and even then I will still mull over it for a few months, feeling helpless and let down. Finally, I will come to the realisation and the peace that comes with it that you just can't be everyone's friend. But like I said, it'll probably take a couple months before I get there. That's the usual run of things.

Ho hum.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow as I speak and sing at Marja's church though. That's one thing keeping me going at the moment. So thank you Marja for all that you do. You are an amazing individual. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.

Must go now, hubby will be home soon and then it's dinner time so I'd better get on it.

Sooooooooo Nervous

2007-05-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I was feeling manic when I agreed to speak at a church on Sunday about my experiences with BP. I am soooooo nervous and it is not going away. I have been praying all morning for God to take away my fears to no avail. I hope that what I say is helpful to others who suffer, and educational for those who don't. I don't know if I can do it. ACK! If you pray, could you please pray for me? I am all nerves right now...I still have to type out my notes about what I will be saying, so could you please pray for me to have clarity of thought? Also, could you please pray that I am not attacked spiritually in the next few days (I think that I already am being attacked, as I have been having weird dreams and the nerves are at an all time high). Anyways, that's about it. I'm going to go watch 'What not to Wear' now, and then I'll be typing out my notes. Love to all of you. Thanks for your prayers too :) I REALLY appreciate them.
Shebee

Will he ever love me the way I want him to?

2007-04-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the emotional and physical abuse I suffered when I was a child. Is it what caused my mental illness? Is it my fault that I was abused? Am I a bad person? Was I a bad child? Jesus reminds me that it was my fathers pain that caused him to harm my sister, my mother and I. He was, himself, abused as a child, possibly far worse than we ever were. Does that excuse his behaviour? This question always comes up for me.
He never left physical marks (except for once, when I was 21 years old), so I felt that I had no way of proving his misbeahvior to others. Plus, if I had told someone, the chance of them taking my sister and I away and putting us in foster care was a possibility. I didn't want that either.
The phrase, "I didn't have it that bad", always haunts me. It's what causes me to think that I'm a weak and needy person; that others had it way worse than I did so what right do I have to complain; that I'm just being selfish and pitiful. I know these things aren't true...?

This pain I feel is usually dorment (due to my stuffing anger down, pretending everything is just great and/or doubting myself)...however, on Friday I went to support group (finally, for the first time in months) and a lot of my hurt came up. I am still in extreme pain over it all.
I want to cry, I want to share with others freely to gain their insight, but the guilt of betraying my father keeps me in chains.
My father has changed a lot, so it is hard to remember (and painful to remember) how things used to be. Again, the guilt of betraying him surfaces.
The fact that he denies all of it doesn't help either.

All the hope I can hold on to comes from God the Father, my real Father, who never left or forsook me.

The pain I have been through has shaped me into who I am I suppose.
I just feel so pulled apart - feeling anger, shame, guilt, and the peace that only comes from Jesus - all at the same time. I just hope and pray that I can put this behind me for real, and become a whole person, healed by Christ, once and for all. Will it ever happen Lord? Please let it happen...

2007-04-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I have been feeling frustrated with this blog, as once I found it helpful, but now I find it somehow burdensome. I believe it's because I live on guilt. If I don't blog, I feel guilty. If I do blog, I feel self-centred/guilty. If I don't respond to/read other people's blogs, I feel guilty.
So, I'm sorry to all that I haven't visited your blogs...I feel overwhelmed by the amount of comments I want to leave, so I end up not even commenting...not even reading.
I feel very out of touch with the bipolar community. You are all so creative...and then there is me. I also haven't been able to go to my support group for the past 3 months and I feel it. (Yes Marja, I do want to be there!)
Anyway, that is how I've been feeling, but, as my favorite preacher states - you can't live on feelings alone. I've gotta work on that.

Thank you all

2007-03-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

I just want to say thank you to all of you who responded to my previous blog excerpt. I was feeling especially rotten that week and it took me until now to get up enough stamina to blog again.
I am doing okay. Just okay though. I spent way too much money yesterday and now my hubby and I will have no money for food, gas, etc. for the rest of the week because of my stupidity. I haven't binged like that for a while. I guess it was simmering...shit. We do, however, have enough for rent, and I guess that's what's most important.
Last night I went out with my friends from work and I got totally blitzed. I think I was having a manic day as I was spending money and drinking like it was going out of style. I feel so bad. My husband is going to kill me.
I have to get back to work now...and boy is it fun to be at work with a massive hangover...blah.
Feeling ever so sheepish and dumb,
Shebee

Not good enough

2007-03-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am not good enough. Never have been, never will be.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.

Argh!

2007-03-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Today I worked with someone that really rubs me the wrong way. The thing is, I have no idea why I don't like her. Everyone else seems to love her. Maybe I'm jealous? Maybe I'm intimidated by her? She's a very perky little thing and normally I like perky people. But not her. I don't get it.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.

Things are looking up

2007-03-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. I am NOT pregnant. Turns out I had food poisoning.

Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.

The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!

Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.

Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.

But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.

I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.

I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.

Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.

Shebee

Uh oh...

2007-02-21T10:24:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up feeling like there was something wrong in the pit of my stomach. But when I was in the shower and brushing my teeth, I started throwing up like crazy. I
am a bit concerned about this as I haven't felt better yet and it is now1030am (my 'episode' happened at 7am). I can't eat, I can't smoke (actually that's a good thing!), I can barely drink coffee, but I seem to be okay with water. Plain jane water.
I wonder if this is a result of my deciding to increase my dosage of lamotrigine. I'm going to go back down to my alotted amount tonight. Hopefully that will help my nausea...?
The other scenario is that I'm pregnant. I don't think this is the case as Brad and I have been pretty careful, but you never know, do you?
Anyways, I may end up going home from work early if this nausea keeps up.
Break's over, gotta go.
Shebee

Do I need a stress leave?

2007-02-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am so upset right now. I was supposed to be at work at 7:45am, but thought that I was to be at work for 8:20am. I even called at 7:45am (because I couldn't find my keys!) and told them I would be a bit late for the 8:20 shift. The girl I spoke with at work was busy when she took the call, and she said, "okay, that's fine", instead of looking at the shift board and telling me that I was actually scheduled for the earlier shift.
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.

Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.

That was yesterday.

Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.

Shebee

What is up with me???

2007-02-17T00:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. Today I spent a bunch of money we don't have on new clothes, (they do make me feel a bit better though), and now I totally can't sleep. Marja, you are right. I do need to see my doc and get on top of this. I am so low, then so high, then so low again. Rapid cycle city.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.

I feel a bit better now...

2007-02-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to dream writer. I just read your comment on my last blog and then went on to read your posts. They made me feel much better, and I even laughed out loud at your 'Tom Cat' post (especially he youtube thing). Thank you so much for the love you give to others. You truly are a kind person, and those are rare to find. Thank you for making me feel better when I was in a TOTAL rutt. I still don't feel 100%, but I sure do feel better. Lots of love to you!
Shebee

Warning, do not read if you are in a good mood

2007-02-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

I am so overwhelmed.

I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.

Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.

Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)

I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!

Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).

My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.

I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.

Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)

What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?

Where are you God?

Moving is stressful!!

2007-02-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

Hey all,
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee

MADtv - S12E08 - Bobby Lee as a North Korean Scientist

2007-02-07T16:45:00.001-08:00

This is my sense of humour all the way..I'm a little nutty

How do I...?

2007-02-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

This is just a quick question that I forgot to ask in my last post. Do you guys and gals know how to add a video or song to this blog? I have tried numerous times and can't figure it out at all!!! If you do know, could you give me a step-by-step list of instructions? Oh and I am on the new kind of blogger, just so ya know. Thanks all.
Shebee

Fewf...sort of

2007-02-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that the seller on eBay and I worked things out in a kind manner - I e-mailed her back with an apology and she responded back with an apology herself! Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts :)

I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.

Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.

As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.

I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.

Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)

Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee

Please forgive me God...

2007-02-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have done something so dishonest and terrible that I am having a very hard time with it.
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee

It's been a while...

2007-01-25T15:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I am still alive. For the last month or so I have been really down, so I apologise for my hibernation. I did see my gp and she increased my dosage of lamotrigine to 250mg. It has actually really helped (so far - it's been 5 days). My mind is clearer, I have more motivation, and I am performing a lot better at work. I am pretty excited about the progress.
However, last night I had a manic moment and flipped out at my husband and step-son. I then went on to bawl my head off and apologise profusely. Everything turned out okay, but still, I hate it when that happens. I guess my sub-conscious hadn't let go of it yet either because last night I had a horrible nightmare that my husband and I split up. I woke this morning to tell him that I had a nightmare about him and I, and that I loved him, and then I fell back asleep. I eventually stirred at around 11:30, feeling rather bummed out. I feel better now that I have accomplished some things today though (laundry, dishes, etc).
I have been really down about my weight lately...however, I'm hardly doing anything about it. I am taking 'slim-quick' pills, but that's it. No exercise, hardly any fruit and vegetables, etc. I have also been majorly over-eating for comfort again. For example, last night, I went through the McDonald's drive thru and ordered a Big-Mac meal and a McChicken sandwich. I pulled the car over to a secluded area and (secretively - in my mind anyways), I scarfed them both down in a matter of 10 minutes. I then proceeded to chow down on the fries which took me another 5 minutes. Later that night when I had gotten home and was almost ready for bed, I also had a huge bowl of rice with tons of margarine and soy sauce. I went to sleep shortly after that. Talk about self-sabotage. I know I have an over-eating problem - it's how I used to cope with the abuse in my home growing up. When things get stressful, that's where I turn first. Then it's other self-sabotaging things, which I won't get into as they are very personal (maybe one day I will talk about them on here).
Another big thing on my heart at the moment is my step-son. Could you all please pray for him as we move into our new, bigger place in February? I'm worried about him as he gets so easily anxious about any type of change that comes his way. Also, and more importantly, is that his mother's criminal trial for child abduction is coming up, and he happens to be with her that week. (Believe it or not, Canada's laws placed him back into her care 50% of the time, even after the atrocious things she did to him: dressing him up like a girl to conceal him, hiding him out in abandoned houses and cars, teaching him to be afraid of surveillance cameras and the police, telling him that his father - my husband - is a murderer and a pedophile, etc., etc., etc.). We are concerned for his well-being during this confusing time. We are also concerned about the talk that may be happening at his other residence in regards to the trial. They have lied to him a lot when it looked like they were the 'bad guys', and I don't see this situation being any different. They have him almost completely fooled that we are the 'mean people' that took him away from his 'happy' (secluded and abnormal) life in Albuquerque, NM. (Where he had barely any schooling and no contact with other children - no wonder he hates school and has literally no friends.) So much drama for such a little guy. Why God, why?
Well, that's my update. I apologise that I haven't commented on your blogs as of recent...I get myself into a rut of guilt sometimes, thinking that I'm a bad and very self-absorbed person for not commenting, which leads me to seclude myself even more...sorry guys...

Shelly

It wasn't so bad after all

2007-01-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I worked both of my days off and to tell you the truth...it wasn't so bad after all of my moaning and whining about it. Besides, I got overtime for both shifts because I didn't know about them until the day before. That sure does pay the bills! And one of my coworkers decided to take my Saturday shift so that at least I had one day to recooperate (even though all I did was vegetate in front of the tv/computer).
Now I'm sitting here on my break at work again. Ho hum. I still can't seem to completely escape the paranoia that my manager thinks I'm a crappy worker. However, he did ask me to do a more challenging case. Wow. What a miracle. I think I need some couselling on the subject.

People, I really don't want to smoke anymore. It's so disgusting, and really, the only good reason I started was not because of stress, (as I have stated in previous posts), but because I am a sheep and I followed my husband's acts. I feel so unindiviual. Not to mention I feel guilt because I am a Christian and I shouldn't be smoking. How did I ever start? I used to think it was the most disgusting habit on earth. I vehemently opposed Brad's smoking, saying to him that he had to quit before we got married, or else. Well, we've been married now for almost two years, and about a year and a half of that has been occupied by me smoking!!! Barf-o-ramma. I feel so weak and gross everytime I have one. What gives? Well, the upside is that I've only had 2 today, ususally it would have been 4 by this time, so I am trying at least a little.

I had to miss my bipolar support group last week and it has really been felt. I really need to connect with those that are in the same boat as me. That's why this is such a great place for me (and obviously you guys and gals) to blab all of my crapola.

Anyways, breakie is over and I must go. Thanks for reading :)

Fear and Loathing in Surrey

2007-01-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm at work and I am sooooo excited that I get two days off. Problem is that I have already been offered a shift for Friday (which I turned down), and now my fellow mammographer just said that she' feeling really sick and will probably call in for tomorrow, and I am the only other mammographer available (there's three of us in the department; one is on holidays).
ACK! I want my two days off!!! I am soooo tired. I am also soooo overwhelmed by the fact that I may have to work tomorrow. I just don't feel 'well' emotionally. I need my two days to re coop. But I am the only one...they'll have to cancel appointments and possibly life saving breast surgeries if I don't come in. Whatever.

I'm feeling really behemoth. I was getting in better shape before I got my wallet stolen from the gym I go to. I think I acted out in rebellion against the thief as I haven't been back since. Problem is I sabotaged myself.
I wanted my two days off to get myself back into the swing of things (exercise wise).

I probably sound like a whiny baby. Oh well, I am whining. We're all entitled to whine once in a while. (I probably whine more than I should but right now I don't care).
Argh.
I guess I have to go...break's over.
Shebee

Foggy

2006-12-29T14:48:00.000-08:00

Today is weird.
I feel really self-conscious about my work skills. I'm super tired. I can't think of the proper words to say (even in they are easy words). My cases are taking forever it seems.
This all leads me to believe that I am a total disaster. Am I good at anything at all? I don't excell at anything. I feel like such a dork.
I just want to be fulfilled. Happy about my career. Not self-conscious all the time.
I guess I just really feel crappy today. I can't wait to go home and sleep. I have 2 days off!!! I was even offered a shift for Saturday, but I said no. No way...I need a bit of a break.
Speaking of break, mine is over. I'll write more later.
Shebee

Last night, after all the commotion

2006-12-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Last night while we were just dozing off to sleep, my husband asked me a question about God.
"People struggle with sin all the time. Do they really need to confess it every time, or are they just wasting their time? Jesus died on the cross for us for our past, present and future sins, didn't He?"
Well, I was amazed to hear myself speak. I, biblically, answered all of his questions without the bat of an eyelash.
This is a miracle to me, as I thought I was so 'back-slidden' that I had no clue why I still kept my faith.
Mu husband thanked me and said that I 'cleared it up' for him. I felt such a peace wave over me. The Holy Spirit came upon me and I was even able to sort through a few things in my head (people that I 'hate', I was able to forgive, I made some peace with myself, etc).
Maybe my calling isn't being an X-ray tech at all (see my last post). Maybe I do need to go back to school and become a teacher/worship leader, or something else that involves spreading the Good News of our Lord.

Maybe I'm just speaking out of my rear end right now...? But I do feel encouraged. Hmmm.

I have gone over this thought process before, and I just let the dream fade. I tend to be a realist when it comes to my profession ("I can't quit! The money's good and it's secure!")
But I know that I am not satisfied with my current line of work. Even subconsciously, I am consistently late, I lose my focus easily, I take longer breaks than expected without even meaning to, and when I think of going to work, it is not with a sense of pride. More a sense of...well, I guess, dread is the best word I can think of. Still, it's the people that I work with that keep me going back. Most of them are awesome, and so fun to be around. But there lies my problem again. I am such a 'chatty kathy' people person that I get myself into trouble (glares and 'shushes' from the management, etc.).I feel that I will always be the 'black sheep' in my line of work.
Don't get me wrong, I am competent, I consistently get good images, and I am great with my clients. Still though, that is not enough to get me out of the hole that I've dug for myself. There is no passion in me for what I do...I feel as though I am called to greater things. Holy crap. I am nearly 30 years old and I still have no idea what's going on with my life. Could you pray for me, my friends, that I find a purpose?

Well, I've now lost my train of thought because my stomach has suddenly started to growl. I guess it is lunch time.

love to all of you,
Shebee

I need a career counsellor

2006-12-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I thought working on Christmas day would be kinda fun...I've done it before and it's always been okay. Not today though. It is so busy and I'm working with someone who is the 'eyes and ears' of the management. I feel like she's watching my every move. She keeps saying stuff to me that someone would say to a student of my profession. In turn, I feel like an idiot. If it wasn't for this stupid illness I would be fine! I hate this....I am sooooo angry.
I need a new career, something more 'helping people' oriented. I help people in my job, but I don't get to have a lot of time with them. I really do need a career counsellor.
I feel, yet again, so humbled. Be careful what you pray for.
Feeling like a butt head,
Shebee

Merry 'Christ'-mas everyone

2006-12-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

Just like the title states, He's the reason for the season!
May God bless you all the year through my friends.

Love Shebee

Got it!

2006-12-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

Got my period yesterday...that could explain the desperately depressing blog I published yesterday (I always get really down when my period comes). It was 11 days late. That is not normal. And my cramps...oh my goodness, they are sooooo painful. I ended up calling in sick (yet again) due to them being so debilitating. Anyhow, I have to go finish my shopping.
Yes, I am still low, but at least I know part of the reason why.
Love you all.
Shebee

No good news anywhere

2006-12-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

I am so stupid! I just did something to betray the trust of one of my closest friends. I can't believe I did it. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Now I realise that it was very intrusive and dumb. What is wrong with me?
Apart from this, I still haven't gotten ANYTHING done for Christmas and today is my only real shopping 'day' that I have to get things rolling. I even forgot my own nephews birthday on the 13th. And here I am, sitting at the computer in my pj's, robe and slippers.
Here are a few other things freaking me out at the moment: we still have no place for the 1st of January; our car insurance has run out and there is no way we can afford to reinstate it any time in the near future; I still haven't gotten any of my cards replaced from when my purse was stolen (including my drivers licence, so I've been driving illegally out of sheer desperation to get around); my pay cheque was relatively small compared to the usual (I got paid today) - see Christmas stress above; My hubby and I seem to be distant right now; Yesterday I was 90 minutes late for work because I forgot to set the alarm the night before; I have to work all weekend long (including Christmas day); I am gaining weight again ( and I'm already a bloody heffer); My step-son still seems to hate us and worship his crazy mother; and last but not least, I still haven't gotten my period. But here''s the thing: I took the pregnancy test again yesterday and it still said 'negative'! Part of me was relieved, but the other part of me was (and still is) desperately sad. I'm still going to get a blood test done tomorrow though, just to be sure (I'll get it through emergency, while I'm at work at the hospital - we have connections in Medical Imaging). If I'm not pregnant, what the hell is going on with my body? Maybe I don't deserve children after all. Maybe God is punishing me.
I am sooooo depressed right now. I can't even bring myself to fold laundry, do the dishes, or get ready, even though I have sooooo much to do today. I just want to cry and cry and cry. What kind of person am I? I hate me today. I hate all the things that I have done to hurt others. I hate the fact that I get so easily overwhelmed. Look at me..I didn't even get my wedding thank you's out, and we still haven't paid the photographer all the money we owe him. We haven't even given our parents wedding photo's. We were married in June of 2005! Is this reality I'm in for real? I never meant for any of this to happen. I always had the best of intentions. I never followed through. I am awful. I didn't even send out Christmas cards this year (as if I've done it any other year).
Thoughts of suicide keep enticing me, but I don' think I could do that to my family and friends. Would I go to heaven if I did? That is another question that keeps me from really, truly considering it.
I AM a failure. My father was right...I truly am a stupid bitch.

I feel soooo sick

2006-12-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I'm struggling through my last hour of work and I just can't shake this 'flu-ey' feeling. I'm tired, my tummy's acting up, and my throat is sore. Not to mention I'm feeling the stress I'm under. (I'm on a break by the way).
Apart from the whole 'possibility of pregnancy' thing, my hubby and I still haven't been able to find a place for the 1st of Januuary...everything is too scummy so far.
What to do...
Does anyone have any remedies for getting over the flu quick? I already know the garlic thing, the salt water gargling thing, the ckicken soup thing, the ecinacea thing, the cold fx thing, the vit C thing...
Maybe I know all of them already (I love to research). Oh well. Anyways, break's over, so I'll have to blog more later. Ttyl.
Shebee

2006-12-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

What if I am pregnant??? What if I'm a bad mom? Oh my goodness...the severity of the issue just hit me...I feel like bawling...God, help me please...?

Still late...

2006-12-18T19:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the lull between my blogs. I have been participating in the choir of a musical (see picture - I'm in the tree!!!) and a lot of my time has been spent at the performances (there were 12 in all; I missed 4 due to my 'stuff' - tonight was the grand finale...oh well).
Well, Chalexa I think you may be right about stress causing my lack of a period. I have been extremely stressed out which is never good for people with our illness, let alone people without it. Plus I did do an 'at home' preg test the other day and it was negative. However, according to the instructions in the test, that could just be due to the fact that the HCG levels (pregnancy hormones) in my blood aren't high enough yet. They also said that if I don't get my period after the test has been taken in 3 days time, I should take it again. I took it 3 days ago, but I have opted to wait for a few more days. Let me explain. I was researching on the Internet, and the advice given at one reputable site said that I should have waited until at least 7-10 days after my expected period before taking the test in the first place. I only waited 4 days. The site also said that when the pregnancy test is negative even at the 7-10 day point, it should still be taken again 3 days later, just to be sure. That means that if I don't get my period by the 24th, I'll be taking the test again. Boy, if it's positive...Merry Christmas to me and my hubby!!! However, If it's negative, I'll be booking the first available appointment with my gp, (or I'll be going to a walk-in clinic if it takes too long to see my gp).

Now, I know that my posts have indicated that I am mostly upset by the fact that an unplanned pregnancy may just be in my future. But, to tell you the truth, I don't think I have ever wanted anything more than to have a child of my own. It has been a huge prayer of mine for years. It's weird; one minute I'm freaking out worrying, the next minute I'm jumping up and down with excitement. But I don't want to get my hopes up either. ACK! I'm just a ball of nerves right now.

Anyways, my mind is only on this right now, so I can't focus enough to let you all know everything else that's been going on. Sorry.

Lots of love to everyone. I hope and pray that you're all coping well with the stress of the holidays.

Shebee

PS - Thank you Shan, for your comment on my last post...it was extremely encouraging

PP SS - sorry I've been whining about no one getting back to me...I realize that blogger has been acting up; thanks for the update Chalexa :)

Oh boy

2006-12-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

Well, my period is now 5 days late....I kinda hope that it is just due to stress, and that I'm not actually pregnant. (not that I don't want to have children, it's just the timing is off). Oh well...Merry Christmas to me if it is the case! I'm pro-life, so it's not like I'm going to get rid of it if I am prego. And hey, I'm not the one in charge here. It's the Big Cheese upstairs that has planned this for me if it is the case. My sister-in-law is coming over in a few minutes to take me to safeway where I can buy a bunch of preg tests, (not just one, just to make sure, and still then I'll be going to the doctor). I also need to get some more baking supplies. (I'm going to make your shortbread cookies today Marja!!!) Anyways, I guess that's about it. Still wondering why no one's really commenting...am I being 'the piece of shit in the centre of the universe'? Because I don't want to be...but please, if I am being totally self-centred...someone tell me. I promise I will take it with my mouth firmly shut.
Anyhow, Merry Christmas everyone. May the Love of Christ be in all of your hearts this season (man I sound like a greeting card!)
Love Shebee

The Search is on

2006-12-14T20:51:00.000-08:00

We just saw the most wonderful 4 bedroom top floor of a house. Trouble is, it's been taken already, and we didn't find out until after we (my hubby, sister-in-law, step-son, and I) fell in love with it. We are all sad. It would have been perfect for us. Such is life hey? I guess we'll just have to keep looking...
BTW, are my blogs boring? 'Cause I notice that not a lot of ppl comment on them...am I doing something wrong?
ttyl,
Shebee

How it's been going...

2006-12-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that after some extreme damage control and a whole lot of prayer, things at work didn't turn out as bad as I thought they would. Thankfully, I told my doctor about what happened, and she agreed that I had probably forgotten about the shift due to medication changes and too many things piled upon my plate. She wrote a note, discreetly stating that I have been dealing with a medical condition that may be attributed to my forgetfulness, etc...
It wasn't a sick note, but more of a note to let my bosses know where I'm at, so they could at least see some of the bigger picture. Attached to the doc note, I stapled a note of extreme apology, taking full responsibility, and stating that I have a plan in place to prevent these types of mistakes from happening again. My bosses seemed to respond to this well. In passing, my big boss asked me what my plan was, so I wrote another memo to her (as she was too busy to hear it right then and there), stating my plan (check schedule regularly...etc). I would have done it in person, but I couldn't seem to catch her....she is a very busy lady. So far I haven't heard back, and that was on Monday. I'm assuming all is well, and I hope that I'm right. I just have to make sure that I see my doctor regularly, see my counsellor regularly, and make sure I leave home 'stuff' at home.
Well, now that I'm off shift, maybe I can unload a bit of home 'stuff'.
Last night, out of anger, Brad raised a hand to me. I was just teasing him lovingly by placing a cold-pack on his arm (we always tease each other like that). Being from an abusive home myself, this really upset me. When I expressed how angry I was at him for doing that, he just kinda fluffed it off and said "I was in my zone". (he was cleaning, and that's what he calls it when he's going at it frantically). When I kept on him about it, he started getting really angry, partly because he didn't want to hear me anymore, and partly because I was saying all of this in front of his son. I was soooooooo angry though. Plus we live in a place where there is literally no room to do anything in private, apart from the bathroom! He began to swear and yell and tell me to 'get over it, it was nothing!!!'
Well, it sure was something to me. I went to bed early and very hurt and angry. I brought it up again this morning, and he did apologise, but not with much conviction in his voice...more just to get me off his back, I think. Now I'm sitting in the back room at work. I don't want to go home. I have to take the bus, it's cold, and I'm coming home to a jerk (or at least he's acting like one), and a very high-maintenance step-son. I just don't want to deal with anything tonight.
Another thing on my mind...my period...yeah, it's late. Earlier this week I was really nauseous and yesterday my breasts were tender...oh Lord, I know I prayed for biological children, but...now???? We are sooooo broke, my hubby's acting weird,(to tell you the truth, after last night and a few other incidents in our marriage, I'm starting to suspect that he has a mood disorder himself...he's already been diagnosed with depression, but I think there's something else going on), and I feel soooo unhealthy. I wanted to be fit and trim and healthy and non-smoking before I started planning a family...I am so scared.
Too many what-ifs are flooding my head. I need support...I don't feel I have it at home, I know I don't have it at work...I thank God for all of you, for my gp, and my counsellor. I Just wish I had more support at home...lack of support at work I can handle, but not at home.
This leads to Christmas...ahhh, Christmas. Ti's the season for stress and panic (at least for me). We have no cards out, no baking done, hardly any presents bought, and very little money to work with. Oh, and we're planning on moving out on the 1st of January!
Anyways, I'm done my rant...thanks for letting me spill my guts and feel sorry for myself for a little while. If you think of it, could you please pray for me?
Love to you all
Shebee

I can't believe this!!!!

2006-12-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

I just got a call from my work . Apparently I was supposed to be there this morning at 7:48am (I know, weird hours) for a shift. I didn't even know about it!!! I called in and said that I couldn't come in because of appointments (counsellor, support group, then doctor)...my immediate supervisor did not sound happy. He said that the shift had been on the schedule for at least two weeks. What am I supposed to say to that? I feel like such an incompetant moron.
But I swear that my manager said she would let me know if she gave me extra shifts ahead of time(or at least I think she did???) apart from my regular job. I KNOW I'm going to get pulled into my bosses office on Monday and reemed out. I am sooooo scared.
I know this happened due to my lack of focus and my depression...maybe I can get a doctors note? Oh Lord, I am so scared...please help me....I am so afraid of the repricutions of this!!! :(
Could you guys please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if you believe in God) on this matter? My boss does NOT understand mental illness at all. She has the whole "Just get over it" attitude. (Even thought she claims to be a Christian and she lost her husband early in their marriage - you'd think she'd have more compassion - go figure).
I can't believe this!!!! I hope I did the right thing by saying I couldn't come in due to appointments...that can count as sick time...I hope? I am soooooo scared. Ack!
Lord, please help me.
When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?
Shebee

2006-12-07T23:19:00.000-08:00

Just so you all know...what I just wrote would have been better, but half way through I started wondering what you guys would be thinking while reading it and then I got nervous...in the end it was a bit of a sham. What am I so afraid of??? I don't even know half of you?! I guess I think the world judges me the same way I judge myself.
My self-esteem sucks lately...no confidence at all at anything anymore. Even the things I once thought I was good at like cooking and singing. Now I feel like I suck...totally suck. Just being honest...sorry so glum.

Gods Grace and Beauty

2006-12-07T22:41:00.000-08:00

No matter how desperately morose I become about my life, I must always remember that He is

He is the gentle sound of the creek I hear on the mountain trail

He is the soft breeze in the air that caresses my face lightly

He is the emotion that captures me when I learn that I am truly loved by someone

He is

So Low

2006-12-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

So far today, I have slept, eaten, had one cigarette, put most of the clean laundry away, and watched TV. Nothing has seemed to make me feel better. Now I am here. I'm really trying not to turn to alcohol (as the Vodka in the freezer calls my name).
I keep thinking about how I have let people down. I never got my wedding thankyou notes out (we've been married since March of 2005), I still haven't paid the rest of the money to our caterer or our photographer, and I've been a bad friend. What kind of terrible person doesn't send out their wedding thankyou's? I feel sooooo horrible about this every time it comes into my head. I want to do something about it but a voice inside plays...'you CAN'T do it, it would be insulting to all of your guests to even bother now...you're AWFUL! Imagine how many people resent you now!!!'
My support network is next to nill. I have no regular pdoc and no regular therapist. I'm still new and anonymous at my church (I tried to get involved with singing but they said they didn't need anybody). My boss is totally clueless when it comes to this type of sickness, I have no money, my hubby is really trying to undertand but is having a hard time, my family are all doing well and I don't want to bring them down with my b.s....
On tuesday I smashed my head against the wall when my hubby said he wouldn't come to parent support group with me. I then began bawling and convulsing uncontrollably. I was so angry at him for not wanting to go, and for not wanting to support me through coming with me to parent group. I was playing mind games with him, I guess. I really hurt my head...the bruise is now forming. I didn't care though. I believed I deserved it. I'm still mad that he didn't come with me...but more than that, that he didn't react to me smashing my head against the wall. He just laid there, looking at me funny and he asked if I was okay. He didn't run to my rescue and hold me in his arms...then rush us down to parent group night like I thought it should work.
I feel so crazy...why would I hurt myself to get a reaction out of my husband?
Chalexa just gave me a good suggestion...she said I really need to be honest with my gp and get a referral to see a pdoc on a regular basis. Right now my gp is just going by the pdoc notes I got from a July appointment.
Ugh...I don't know if this blog makes any sense at all...whatever, you all understand...thank God.
Btw Marja, I'll be there tomorrow.
Shebee

Thank God for modern medicine

2006-12-05T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am completely sorry for my last post...I am calm now...just feeling the effects of 2mg of clonazepam. I think I'm ready for bed actually. Goodnight, but not goodbye. Thankyou Marja, you are an angel sent by God himself. God bless you...

2006-12-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's going on...maybe it's because I have gone down in my paxil and up in my lamotrigine (at the request of my pdoc...don't worry). I just feel so tired, sad, irritable, and emotional. Hell, why am I even on any type of mood stabilizer if my bipolar gets worse when I'm messing with my 'cocktail'? My self-esteem is really on the low...I've even been avoiding blogging because I think that what I have to type isn't worth shit...worthless, hopeless, suicidal thoughts coming and going...I hate this...
It even crossed my mind today that maybe I don't even have bipolar, but maybe I am just an anomaly with absolutely no hope to recover from the irreparable damage done to me.
I keep doing self-dectructive things...things that I know are really bad...things that make me sick to my stomach when I realise I'm doing or have done them.
I hate being sick, I hate being fat, I hate being ugly, I hate being me. Don't bother replying any of you...I don't deserve it for this neverending pity-party I throw every day of my damn life. I think I'm going to stop blogging - I can't even express my real self here. I'm too nervous that I'm not talented enough, funny enough, cool enough...really, I truly believe it. Nothing has ever helped me to get better. I am hopeless. Goodbye.

Just did something super stupid

2006-12-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

I am sooooo stupid. I just sent an e-mail that I KNOW was not good to send!!! I was angry when I sent it and it was pretty mean. I am an evil person...I have been acting like a raving lunatic all day! I hate this! What is going on? I increased my mood stabilizer...isan't that supposed to help me? I don't want to deal with the repricutions of this...:(
God help me...I am so hopeless...

I'm done hiding out

2006-12-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back from my depressive hiatus from the blog. I don't know why I do that? It would probably be good for me to blog when I'm feeling super overwhelmed, but the thought of it freaks me out. Hence the overwhelmed feeling.
Today, my hubby and I went to small claims court for a matter that was totally NOT for small claims court. We were taken there by my step-sons mother and her father. They were denied everything though, as we have joint custody and they were asking for child support. They were also trying to prove that we owe them $2500 for a 'section 15' (a psychological assessment provided by a court appointed psychologist) that they asked to be done. I believe that the only reason they want half of the amount for it is because it didn't turn out in their favor. The assessment suggested that my hubby and I are the better equipped and 'fit' parents for my step-son. So there you go. Cut and dry. But hey, the family that we are dealing with are totally in denial and full of s%&t as far as I'm concerned. Whatever..sorry to bore you with details. It may go to supreme court though...that has me worried...I just don't trust our judges in this province. I wish that we could all get along...I keep praying for that...maybe God will say yes...who knows.
Ugh...I have been sick for more than a week. It sucks because I had the flu shot the week before, and what did I get? The flu!!! I guess it was a different strain. I do work in a hospital, so I guess all the bugs like to hang out there. Whatever.
Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling, so I'm going to stop typing now..
love you all,
Shebee

Just tired of all of this...

2006-11-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks Marja and Chalexa for your words of advice and encouragement. They do mean a lot to me. I'm just tired of the struggle is all...I feel like a salmon swimming upstream, permanently.
My life seems like such a mess!!! How did this all happen? I really don't know if my hubby takes this all as seriously as it really is...he is a very stubborn guy; very bull-headed. I talked to him through tears last night and he seemed to be respopnsive, to a point, (he was half-asleep), but who really knows...
I know that God is taking care of all of this as we speak, but I am still so very confused about what Brad and I need to do in order for God's plan to unravel...I really don't agree with people who just sit there and say "God will take care of me, I don't need to do anything"...He gave us reason and common sense so that we could use it. I don 't mean any offense in saying that, but it is how I feel.
I beleive we're going to have to talk to a specialized lawyer about all of this junk...and soon. I just want to be happy again...truly happy...but I know with our condition, that ain't gonna happen until I'm on the proper cocktail of meds and things in my life settle down.
However, on a positive note now, I am very thankful for this blog...and thankful for people like you, Marja and Chalexa, who seem to truly care. And thanks to both of you too for encouraging me to blog more (even though it took a while because of my stubborness). It really has helped, even in the midst of suicidal thoughts and manic delerium. Anyhow...my clonazepam has kicked in, an my tears have dried for the time being (thank God for modern medicine).
Love Shebee

No one takes care of me...

2006-11-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was little...even being in an abusive home...noone took care of me...
now, my husband and I face probable bankruptcy...again...he doesn't take care of me as I always thought my husband would...I had to support him for a year and a half...and for what...so we could have shitty credit for 7 years? I'm so scared...
I feel so alone

I feel like dung

2006-11-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

I did so well yesterday with my eating and excersizing...and then, last night I was totally hypo-manic: cleaning like a feand, unable to settle down, trying to forget about my 'business' with tv (which didn't work) and then finally, eating almost everything I could get my hands on. I was sooooo tempted to do the whole bulemic thing (I struggled mildly with that a couple of years back), but I managed to control myself. But all my hard work...for what??? Just to pig out that night? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I set myself up for failure? What has made me hate myself so much that I have to sabotage everything that is good for me??? F*%K!!! I am sooooo angry!!! Now starts the sadness...oh shit...
Sorry guys, I'm too emotional to contuinue...please pray for me...I feel so hopeless, completely hopeless...I hate this bullshit. Sorry about all the swearing.
Shebee

Thanks muchly

2006-11-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

Jane, Marja, and Chalexa; thankyou for your kind, encouraging words. I am feeling better, thankyou. And you are right, Marja, my thoughts and emotions are everywhere lately (eg: angry to bawling to hyper to depressed in a matter of a day) and that's conducive to a life that just isn't boring at all. Now I have something exciting to blog about.
In the last two days, by the Grace of God, a miracle has happened. I'm actually starting to accept my condition. To those of you who know me, you know how amazing this is. And I took your advice , Marja, and really talked to my husband about how my bipolar-ness can present itself, and he seems ot be starting to understand. I also told him about the book you suggested, Chalexa ('How to Love Someone With Bi-polar') and he is open to reading it. Also, in my own way, I'm becoming more real about my disorder with my step-son, and we seem to be getting closer as a result of it. (Now that's a miracle!)
This is all a very big deal in my life. A lot of it has to do with attemtping to place my disorder into The Father's Hands. He is giving me a peace and understanding, as well as the ability to begin to completely accept my condition (as I stated before). I am truly grateful for so many things...including this blog (God bless all of you).
Wow, I just read through this and it seems that I'm in a happy, excited state...hopefully it's for real and not just a 'moment' in my rapid cycle.
I must go now...step-son is antsy to get his video-game time in. Thanyou all, again.
Love Shebee

What's going on????

2006-11-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was angry at the world...today, I am terrified. I'm afraid that I have to go back to work tomorrow; petrified that I'm singing in a choir this Christmas and don't know the songs yet and don't think that my voice is good enough; horrifed about leaving the house in this big 'fat suit' (my word for having a lot of extra weight)...please God, help me...
I can't relate very well with one of my best friends...she's just so petite and lady-like - I feel like a complete oager compared to her...
My thoughts are so random, I know...I really wish that support group was tomorrow (btw Marja, thanks soooo much for puttting that together).
I am so afraid, so lonely, so isolated...
I am going down in my paxil and up in my lamotirigine...maybe that's why I'm all over the map.
I just need God's Peace right now...
Good night.
Shebee

okay okay...

2006-11-12T22:20:00.000-08:00

I actually do have a few good souls who really do listen to me...but I'm still very frustrated that the majority of the people I know really don't give a flying f$%k how I'm doing, just as long as they can completely dump their bad day in my lap. Am I really just made for this? Did God just say "and here is (my name), bearer of all gossip sessions and the master of ear lending." DO I MATTER? IF NOT, WHAT'S THE POINT???
I am soooo angry right now that I could fling this laptop across the cafe and run from the building screaming obsenities and bawling my eyes out...what the HELL is going on??? Am I just having a hypomanic moment or am I genuinely angry and fed up with being a pushover? Whatever...good night.

Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally Frustrated

2006-11-12T22:12:00.000-08:00

As you can see by the title, I'm really in no mood to be reckoned with...I'm at my wits end. Have you ever felt like nobody gives a shit about you? Even family and friends, who are supposed to ask you how your day went and actually listen to the response? I feel like a bloody sound board!!! "This is my problem with this...that is my problem with that..." How about, "hey Shebee, can I unload something to you, and then you can talk to me about how you're doing?" I'm naturally an idealist, but I must change my ways on this one; don't expect that EVER to happen!!! I'm so angry with all the STUPID CLUELESS #$%HOLES out there who can't even get their heads out of their asses to see that they aren't being circled by the solar system!!!! I apologise for my potty mouth...actually, no, I don't. There are no other words to really describe the anger I have towards the people that I speak of at the moment! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

I was doing so well...

2006-10-30T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was doing fine today...I feel good, the sun is shining, I've eaten healthy so far. Then I get a call. It's my step-son's psychotic mother (really, she's extremely scary). My step-son has a doctor's appointment tomorrow (which is fine), but her and her underaged boyfriend want to go too. I HATE seeing them.
You see, she actually abducted my step-son for 2 1/2 years, so he's only been in my life for 2 years (he's 8 1/2). She is extremely manipulative and delusional...she really does believe her own lies. She's done horrible things to my step-son, (including dressing him up like a girl to conceal his identity), but he adores her. It's a very frustrating part of my life, and it makes me feel so helpless and depressed.
So tomorrow I have to see them. My tummy is in knots. I feel like bawling...ACK!!!
If anyone has any light to shed, please do...and please pray for me (if you believe in prayer, ofcoarse...heck, even if you don't! I need as much as I can get!)
Helpless Shebee

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp

2006-10-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp
Besides talking to a couple of good friends, today I feel...well...'meh'...do you get what I mean? Work was stressful this week and I'm really tired and feeling soooooo lethargic. I don't think I even have enough energy to put my clean laundry away. What's with me??? I hate it, because I am so unorganized and messy all the time. It's a metaphor for my life I guess:(
My husband and I are fighting at the moment. I can't tell if I harped on him because of my bipolar-ness, or if it's really legitimate and I have a right to be mad. It seems, in my mind, that he hasn't been very appreciative of me lately. He constantly whines about picking me up from the transit station (which he hardly ever does, even when it's dark). He still hasn't gotten me my birthday present either (even though my birthday was in June and he promised me a day at the spa, a night out on the town, and an ipod nano. Maybe he feels overhwelmed because he promised me so much??? So why wouldn't he talk to me about it??? I just feel very neglected...and it hurts, because my dad used to do the same thing (either neglect me or scream at me/physically hurt me). Not that Brad lays his hands on me in a hurtful way, but I feel as though all he ever wants from me is food or sex. The rest of the time he seems to ignore me. I'm sure I'm not looking at the whole picture, but I am hurt. And last night I let him have it, and I said some extremely mean things. Things that could have killed his spirit...why do I do that? Maybe because I'm turning into my father? God help me if I am...
Sad Shebee

2006-10-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

This is my Sassy. I miss her soooooo much. Throughout some of my mood disorer, she represented pure, unconditional love to me...I miss her so much...

No, she hasn't passed away...she lives with my parents as I can't have her in my basement suite. She is happy there, and that is the one thing that keeps me from bawling when I wish she was here to cuddle with me. I wish people like my landlord understood how much pets can soothe the wounded soul, and how if they are maintained properly, they aren't a huge mess. One day, I hope, I can have her living under my roof again. I guess I'm a pessimist as I don't think that'll ever happen...she's getting old, her hearing is going and so is her eyesight.

I miss her soooooo much.

I know I haven't posted for about a month and a half. I was feeling great for a while so I didn't think I needed to blog. Then I got deporessed, so I didn't feel like blogging. Then I felt great again and...well...you get the drift. I am in a depressed state again, which I hate. I feel so unconfident; so fat; so ugly etc.

Over this whole time I have been figuring out what has been going on with my mental health, I gained about 60lbs. I have never been this big, so I feel as though I am in a suit of sorts. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I try not to think about it and I try to wear clothes to hide certain areas...but only I know the truth of my revolt towards my body...

I apologise if this posting seems like a big pity party...as a matter of fact, it is...

I'm just so sad...

Well laqdies and gents, my laundry's done now so I must go...take care and God's belssings to all.

Shebee

My week

2006-08-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I am really starting to notice a difference since I've been put on what I think is the proper medication for my condition. I have my down days/moments, but they are fewer and farther between as compared to before (somebody please knock on wood for me!!!)
My pdoc is slowly decreasing my Paxil (I was on 50mg, now I'm on 30mg) and she is increasing my Lamotrigine to 200mg/day (right now I'm at 75mg/day). I switch things up bi-weekly (up in Lamotrigine by 25mg and/or down in paxil by 10mg). She is wanting me to be completely off of Paxil by the time I am at 125mg of Lamotrigine/day...I really hope that the transition goes smoothly. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to be completely off of SSRI's, as I have been on them for so long. But hey, she's the one who has a doctorate in psychiatry, not me. I guess I just have a hard time trusting anybody with my brain, since I have been mis-diagnosed about 3 times now.
Anyhow, I've gotta get back to work now...please comment if you feel like you've been in the same boat...I could use the encouragement right about now:)
Thanks,
Shebee

Morose and wallowing

2006-08-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to get away from the thick fog that surrounds my head today...my dear friend has been trying to cheer me up, but to no avail...normally she can, but not today. Roar!!! I just had to vent. Very tired...must drive home and then go to sleep.
Shebee

Feeling sick...

2006-08-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm just typing a real quick note. I feel so sick...I don't understand this...I shouldn't have the flu again!!! I just pray and hope that I'm not pregnant. My hubby and I are not ready for that phase in our lives...plus I'm on so many different meds that I can't even begin to think of the withdrawl process! I hope that it's just a passing thing and that tomorrow I will feel aok again...but it has been happenign for about a week now...ugh. Anyhow, my break at work is over..must go and take care of people again...
Shebee

Ho Hum

2006-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have run out of seroquel...this is not good, as my hubby and I have no money until tomorrow, and I need the seroquel to help me sleep at night. I also use it to keep me calm during the day, kind of as a PRN. Well, I haven't had any of it all day and I don't have any for tonight or tomorrow during the day! Argh! I feel like s&*t.
I'm tired of this up-hill battle...when does life get enjoyable again? Or does it ever? I just want to hide under a rock and cry...and cry...and cry some more until all that's left is a big puddle with a couple of eyeballs floating.
I know, I'm having a pity party...I'm just so sick of being sad, broke, angry, and tired. Life really does suck sometimes.
Whatever...

Night shifts...ugh

2006-08-14T03:37:00.000-07:00

I'm on my 2nd night shift...My gp, pdoc and a good friend in the know tell me that night shifts aren't the best thing for people with BP. I felt it today for sure. I was sooooo depressed and irritable. I am just so tired...ofcoarse it's busy tonite too. My work doesn't understand 'mental illness' though...I'll have to just suck it up, or get into a new career.

On my way here, I was listening to some Cindy Morgan...it was the song "I will be free". The words gave me comfort so maybe it will help whoever reads my blog in some way. Here are the words...I encourage you to download it if you've never heard it...

The mountains are steep and the valleys low
And already I'm weary but I have so far to go
Oh and sorrow holds my hand and suffering sings me song
But when I close my eyes I know to whom I belong...who makes me strong

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man in popper's clothes
A Shepherd to lead us through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost, so many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I'll dance on silver moonlight
And I'll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I'll run into the arms, the arms that set me free...

I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits....I'll never turn back
Don't you ever turn back 'cause someday, someday we're gonna see
That we will be free

Hope someone(s) enjoyed that. I still feel like crap. I can't wait for this night to be over. I don't trust who I'm working with. Whatever...good night.