My week

Well, I am really starting to notice a difference since I've been put on what I think is the proper medication for my condition. I have my down days/moments, but they are fewer and farther between as compared to before (somebody please knock on wood for me!!!)
My pdoc is slowly decreasing my Paxil (I was on 50mg, now I'm on 30mg) and she is increasing my Lamotrigine to 200mg/day (right now I'm at 75mg/day). I switch things up bi-weekly (up in Lamotrigine by 25mg and/or down in paxil by 10mg). She is wanting me to be completely off of Paxil by the time I am at 125mg of Lamotrigine/day...I really hope that the transition goes smoothly. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to be completely off of SSRI's, as I have been on them for so long. But hey, she's the one who has a doctorate in psychiatry, not me. I guess I just have a hard time trusting anybody with my brain, since I have been mis-diagnosed about 3 times now.
Anyhow, I've gotta get back to work now...please comment if you feel like you've been in the same boat...I could use the encouragement right about now:)
Thanks,
Shebee

Morose and wallowing

I haven't been able to get away from the thick fog that surrounds my head today...my dear friend has been trying to cheer me up, but to no avail...normally she can, but not today. Roar!!! I just had to vent. Very tired...must drive home and then go to sleep.
Shebee

Feeling sick...

I'm just typing a real quick note. I feel so sick...I don't understand this...I shouldn't have the flu again!!! I just pray and hope that I'm not pregnant. My hubby and I are not ready for that phase in our lives...plus I'm on so many different meds that I can't even begin to think of the withdrawl process! I hope that it's just a passing thing and that tomorrow I will feel aok again...but it has been happenign for about a week now...ugh. Anyhow, my break at work is over..must go and take care of people again...
Shebee

Ho Hum

I have run out of seroquel...this is not good, as my hubby and I have no money until tomorrow, and I need the seroquel to help me sleep at night. I also use it to keep me calm during the day, kind of as a PRN. Well, I haven't had any of it all day and I don't have any for tonight or tomorrow during the day! Argh! I feel like s&*t.
I'm tired of this up-hill battle...when does life get enjoyable again? Or does it ever? I just want to hide under a rock and cry...and cry...and cry some more until all that's left is a big puddle with a couple of eyeballs floating.
I know, I'm having a pity party...I'm just so sick of being sad, broke, angry, and tired. Life really does suck sometimes.
Whatever...

Night shifts...ugh

I'm on my 2nd night shift...My gp, pdoc and a good friend in the know tell me that night shifts aren't the best thing for people with BP. I felt it today for sure. I was sooooo depressed and irritable. I am just so tired...ofcoarse it's busy tonite too. My work doesn't understand 'mental illness' though...I'll have to just suck it up, or get into a new career.

On my way here, I was listening to some Cindy Morgan...it was the song "I will be free". The words gave me comfort so maybe it will help whoever reads my blog in some way. Here are the words...I encourage you to download it if you've never heard it...


The mountains are steep and the valleys low
And already I'm weary but I have so far to go
Oh and sorrow holds my hand and suffering sings me song
But when I close my eyes I know to whom I belong...who makes me strong

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man in popper's clothes
A Shepherd to lead us through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost, so many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I'll dance on silver moonlight
And I'll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I'll run into the arms, the arms that set me free...

I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits....I'll never turn back
Don't you ever turn back 'cause someday, someday we're gonna see
That we will be free


Hope someone(s) enjoyed that. I still feel like crap. I can't wait for this night to be over. I don't trust who I'm working with. Whatever...good night.