Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.
I want to clarify:
- I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
- I am grateful to have found a good man
- I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
- I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
- I am grateful for my job
- I am grateful to be a Christian
- I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy
However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.