Saturday, July 26, 2008

Fighting with hubby

I know that the hormones are starting to change a bit now that baby is getting ready to come out. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better because of this though? Apparently not. I'm really scared that I'm going to have post-partum depression. What's worse is that I feel so unsupported by my hubby, which is not going to be conducive to a smooth arrival into the world for baby. I really do wish that I could just stay at a family members place for the first 6-8 weeks post-birth like they do in other cultures. All that is expected of you is to nurse, eat, change diapers and sleep. Everyone else caters to you. No wonder Post-partum depression is soooo prevalent in the west! You're expected to 'calf' and get back to work! Well, I am one of the fortunate people wherein I have a good paying job that allows me to have a full year off with benefits and (reduced) pay, which is supplemented to 80% of my earnings for the first 17 weeks, and then down to 55% of my earnings (through EI) for the remainder of the year. I suppose I should be focusing on all of the 'good stuff' that is happening. However readers, as you may know, I have had a bumpy road with this pregnancy. Hormonal fluctuations + bipolar type II + anxiety + me = one crazy woman who is very hard to deal with unless she's got her smile painted on (for church, work, social functions...not for poor hubby).
Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.

I want to clarify:

  • I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
  • I am grateful to have found a good man
  • I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
  • I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
  • I am grateful for my job
  • I am grateful to be a Christian
  • I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy

However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Come on baby!!!

Still not feeling so hot...I had a great afternoon yesterday, but a crappy sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and my pelvis is killing me!!! It helps when I take tylenol so that's what I've been doing, but I don't want to take too much, even though the pro's say it's safe for pregnancy. I guess I am just really excited to meet my little one, but disapointed that if I go too overdue, I'll have to get induced. Induction would be great if it worked every time! It increases the likelihood of a ceaserean birth by a mile. Oh well. I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't have to worry about that until next Wednesday (if I go 10 days over). I think I just want to experience true labour. I want to experience what God designed my body to do. But hey, I have to just go with the flow. If I'm too anxious, baby won't be going anywhere.
Anyways, enough from me.
Sorry if I seem whiny. You all must be sick of it!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Not sure what to type today...just not feeling so hot lately is all. My mind is all jumbled so this may not make a lot of sense.
I had a bit of a melt down last night (I say a husband and mother thought it was more than a bit). I spazzed out and took off with the car for 15 minutes when my husband came home from work. I have been experiencing massive cabin fever since my hubby is still trying to get his vehicle up and running. It's not like I didn't do anything yesterday either...I went to the lake with my sister and her kids. Still, I guess 'cause I felt like a beached whale, didn't have my swimming suit, and wasn't very comfy, it wasn't the outing that I really needed (what that outing is, I don't know).
I was upset with my husband for 2 reasons:

1) lately he has been teasing me about my HUGEness - I know he does it out of fun, but I already feel unattractive enough. Yes I'm carrying a child, but I have gained almost 60 lbs on an already chubby frame, my face is puffy and I have stretch marks all over...ugh. No amount of make-up or hair fixing seems to do anything.

2) as soon as he gets home, he goes to work on his car. I've been home all day; pregnant and kinda lonely, thinking that he thinks I'm a huge unattractive heifer. Then he goes and does something else away from me. Huh. No wonder I think he's serious when he teases me.

So, back to my 'peeling out of the driveway' moment - yeah, I came back 15 minutes later and told my hubby how I felt. He was quite understanding and apologised. He then went and had a shower, and I watched some dumb show on TV. I still didn't feel much better when he came back though. I was still feeling sorry for myself and he got very frustrated with me because of it.
I then called my mom to ask if we could 'borrow' some groceries. She seemed frustrated with me asking so I then told her to forget about it and hung up.
I then had the immense urge to clean up our pig pen house so I started the dishes. My hubby came rushing in and told me he would do them but I didn't care. I wanted to get them done. I then proceeded to clean the entire kitchen and sweep the entire house. Then I mopped the floor. At this time my mom showed up with a bunch of groceries - instead of being grateful and gracious to my poor mother I said, 'What are you doing here???' She was understandingly taken aback by my rudeness. She put the groceries in the kitchen, asked me how I was as I was madly cleaning the floors (to which I shrugged and said 'fine' as I was sweating, huffing and puffing), went outside to breath for a couple of minutes and then left in a huff. I don't blame her. I was being a total bitch. I eventually called her to apologise, again, in manic-y manner. Shge was quite understanding and kind to me, despite how mean I had just been to her. I'm lucky to have such a good mom.
I then continued with my obsessive cleaning regimen when my hubby came and asked me, quite forcefully, to stop and calm down. I eventually did, as my back was aching and I don't think that physically I could have done anymore anyways. Then hubby and I sat down and watched some TV. I swear, 10 minutes later I was completely restored to 'normal Shelly'.
Was that a manic/mixed state, or was it a hormonal influx? Or does it even matter? I don't know...
I do know however, that I am 3 days overdue and really want to meet my baby! There is a lot to think about right now...
I don't know what else to type anymore. My hands hurt anyways. Whatever.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Stupid drama

Well, this is what we get for having roomates. I can't beleive the shit that is going on in my household days (or even minutes...who knows?) before I go into labour. What did I do to deserve this? All Brad and I want is some peace in our lives after the grueling first 3 years of our marriage. But sister in law had to bring all her shit out on me, and now our tenant downstairs is being a total prick and not cleaning up after his cat. We have told him that the fumes are toxic to me and the baby, but to no avail. He doesn't seem to care at all. Now my hubby wants to kick him out...that would be great if we didn't need the $750 that he contributes each month so badly! His girlfriend is a complete peice of work too...AHHHHHHHHH!!! I can't handle this!!! I hate this!!! Hate this!!! Hate this!!!
I really do wish I had a river I could skate away on, just like the song says...
Guys, if you pray, I could really use it right now...please???

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So bored!!!

Well, it is crunch time! I have sooooo much to do and so little time left to prepare for it. However, my hips hurt, me feet feel huge (and I've been advised to stay off of them) and I decided to have an extra cup of java this morning (against my better judgement). In other words, I want to do all this stuff, but physically, I can't do that much. Without a car I am housebound as well. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Stir crazy city!!! I wish somebody could come along and bonk me on the head to knock me out for a couple of hours just to pass the time! (Who wants my address???)
I keep getting the advice to take it easy because this is the last time I will ever be bored in my life. I can totally appreciate what people are saying to me, but I really hate sitting still. I think that being a mom may just be therapeutic for me! My mom even said that she thinks this child will calm me down. Who knows.
Man, I wish I hadn't had that extra cup of coffee this morning. I'm trying to ween off my clonazepam, but how can I when I'm loading myself up with a stimulant! I had chest pain yesterday too, which I know ids from weening off of the stuff so I had to increase my dosage last night with the plans to cut back again tonight...I guess there will be no sleep for me!!! Not that that's unusual lately. My hips are 'preparing for labour' and are so sore that it makes it next to impossible to have a good slumber. I'm up at least 10 times a night peeing, shifting, eating, sipping my water, get the idea. Oh well, I guess God is preparing me for the looming lack of sleep that I will have soon enough! I can't believe that I am due in 4 days! I have a feeling that my little angel will be arriving either right on schedule, give or take a couple of days. I have been massively 'nesting' as they say, and I figure that if my hips hurt this bad, it's because I'll be giving birth sooner rather than later. I just hope I make it to my pedicure appointment tomorrow! Gotta have some lovely toes for the doctor and all the nurses looking down there ya know! Haha! Lol! Anyways, can you tell that I'm hyper? Maybe a little hypo-manic again? (Was I ever's hard to tell...)
Anyways, love to all of you. May God bless you this day and always. Thanks for reading :)