I was doing so well...

I was doing fine today...I feel good, the sun is shining, I've eaten healthy so far. Then I get a call. It's my step-son's psychotic mother (really, she's extremely scary). My step-son has a doctor's appointment tomorrow (which is fine), but her and her underaged boyfriend want to go too. I HATE seeing them.
You see, she actually abducted my step-son for 2 1/2 years, so he's only been in my life for 2 years (he's 8 1/2). She is extremely manipulative and delusional...she really does believe her own lies. She's done horrible things to my step-son, (including dressing him up like a girl to conceal his identity), but he adores her. It's a very frustrating part of my life, and it makes me feel so helpless and depressed.
So tomorrow I have to see them. My tummy is in knots. I feel like bawling...ACK!!!
If anyone has any light to shed, please do...and please pray for me (if you believe in prayer, ofcoarse...heck, even if you don't! I need as much as I can get!)
Helpless Shebee

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp
Besides talking to a couple of good friends, today I feel...well...'meh'...do you get what I mean? Work was stressful this week and I'm really tired and feeling soooooo lethargic. I don't think I even have enough energy to put my clean laundry away. What's with me??? I hate it, because I am so unorganized and messy all the time. It's a metaphor for my life I guess:(
My husband and I are fighting at the moment. I can't tell if I harped on him because of my bipolar-ness, or if it's really legitimate and I have a right to be mad. It seems, in my mind, that he hasn't been very appreciative of me lately. He constantly whines about picking me up from the transit station (which he hardly ever does, even when it's dark). He still hasn't gotten me my birthday present either (even though my birthday was in June and he promised me a day at the spa, a night out on the town, and an ipod nano. Maybe he feels overhwelmed because he promised me so much??? So why wouldn't he talk to me about it??? I just feel very neglected...and it hurts, because my dad used to do the same thing (either neglect me or scream at me/physically hurt me). Not that Brad lays his hands on me in a hurtful way, but I feel as though all he ever wants from me is food or sex. The rest of the time he seems to ignore me. I'm sure I'm not looking at the whole picture, but I am hurt. And last night I let him have it, and I said some extremely mean things. Things that could have killed his spirit...why do I do that? Maybe because I'm turning into my father? God help me if I am...
Sad Shebee

This is my Sassy. I miss her soooooo much. Throughout some of my mood disorer, she represented pure, unconditional love to me...I miss her so much...

No, she hasn't passed away...she lives with my parents as I can't have her in my basement suite. She is happy there, and that is the one thing that keeps me from bawling when I wish she was here to cuddle with me. I wish people like my landlord understood how much pets can soothe the wounded soul, and how if they are maintained properly, they aren't a huge mess. One day, I hope, I can have her living under my roof again. I guess I'm a pessimist as I don't think that'll ever happen...she's getting old, her hearing is going and so is her eyesight.

I miss her soooooo much.

I know I haven't posted for about a month and a half. I was feeling great for a while so I didn't think I needed to blog. Then I got deporessed, so I didn't feel like blogging. Then I felt great again and...well...you get the drift. I am in a depressed state again, which I hate. I feel so unconfident; so fat; so ugly etc.

Over this whole time I have been figuring out what has been going on with my mental health, I gained about 60lbs. I have never been this big, so I feel as though I am in a suit of sorts. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I try not to think about it and I try to wear clothes to hide certain areas...but only I know the truth of my revolt towards my body...

I apologise if this posting seems like a big pity party...as a matter of fact, it is...

I'm just so sad...

Well laqdies and gents, my laundry's done now so I must go...take care and God's belssings to all.

Shebee