Will he ever love me the way I want him to?

I've been thinking a lot about the emotional and physical abuse I suffered when I was a child. Is it what caused my mental illness? Is it my fault that I was abused? Am I a bad person? Was I a bad child? Jesus reminds me that it was my fathers pain that caused him to harm my sister, my mother and I. He was, himself, abused as a child, possibly far worse than we ever were. Does that excuse his behaviour? This question always comes up for me.
He never left physical marks (except for once, when I was 21 years old), so I felt that I had no way of proving his misbeahvior to others. Plus, if I had told someone, the chance of them taking my sister and I away and putting us in foster care was a possibility. I didn't want that either.
The phrase, "I didn't have it that bad", always haunts me. It's what causes me to think that I'm a weak and needy person; that others had it way worse than I did so what right do I have to complain; that I'm just being selfish and pitiful. I know these things aren't true...?

This pain I feel is usually dorment (due to my stuffing anger down, pretending everything is just great and/or doubting myself)...however, on Friday I went to support group (finally, for the first time in months) and a lot of my hurt came up. I am still in extreme pain over it all.
I want to cry, I want to share with others freely to gain their insight, but the guilt of betraying my father keeps me in chains.
My father has changed a lot, so it is hard to remember (and painful to remember) how things used to be. Again, the guilt of betraying him surfaces.
The fact that he denies all of it doesn't help either.

All the hope I can hold on to comes from God the Father, my real Father, who never left or forsook me.

The pain I have been through has shaped me into who I am I suppose.
I just feel so pulled apart - feeling anger, shame, guilt, and the peace that only comes from Jesus - all at the same time. I just hope and pray that I can put this behind me for real, and become a whole person, healed by Christ, once and for all. Will it ever happen Lord? Please let it happen...

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I have been feeling frustrated with this blog, as once I found it helpful, but now I find it somehow burdensome. I believe it's because I live on guilt. If I don't blog, I feel guilty. If I do blog, I feel self-centred/guilty. If I don't respond to/read other people's blogs, I feel guilty.
So, I'm sorry to all that I haven't visited your blogs...I feel overwhelmed by the amount of comments I want to leave, so I end up not even commenting...not even reading.
I feel very out of touch with the bipolar community. You are all so creative...and then there is me. I also haven't been able to go to my support group for the past 3 months and I feel it. (Yes Marja, I do want to be there!)
Anyway, that is how I've been feeling, but, as my favorite preacher states - you can't live on feelings alone. I've gotta work on that.