I've been thinking a lot about the emotional and physical abuse I suffered when I was a child. Is it what caused my mental illness? Is it my fault that I was abused? Am I a bad person? Was I a bad child? Jesus reminds me that it was my fathers pain that caused him to harm my sister, my mother and I. He was, himself, abused as a child, possibly far worse than we ever were. Does that excuse his behaviour? This question always comes up for me.
He never left physical marks (except for once, when I was 21 years old), so I felt that I had no way of proving his misbeahvior to others. Plus, if I had told someone, the chance of them taking my sister and I away and putting us in foster care was a possibility. I didn't want that either.
The phrase, "I didn't have it that bad", always haunts me. It's what causes me to think that I'm a weak and needy person; that others had it way worse than I did so what right do I have to complain; that I'm just being selfish and pitiful. I know these things aren't true...?
This pain I feel is usually dorment (due to my stuffing anger down, pretending everything is just great and/or doubting myself)...however, on Friday I went to support group (finally, for the first time in months) and a lot of my hurt came up. I am still in extreme pain over it all.
I want to cry, I want to share with others freely to gain their insight, but the guilt of betraying my father keeps me in chains.
My father has changed a lot, so it is hard to remember (and painful to remember) how things used to be. Again, the guilt of betraying him surfaces.
The fact that he denies all of it doesn't help either.
All the hope I can hold on to comes from God the Father, my real Father, who never left or forsook me.
The pain I have been through has shaped me into who I am I suppose.
I just feel so pulled apart - feeling anger, shame, guilt, and the peace that only comes from Jesus - all at the same time. I just hope and pray that I can put this behind me for real, and become a whole person, healed by Christ, once and for all. Will it ever happen Lord? Please let it happen...
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Dear Shebee, I had no idea you were going through all this on Friday. You know that it wasn't your fault you were abused, don't you? And it wasn't because you were a bad child. And you're not bad now.
Though it may be true that the reason your father abused you was because he was also abused and it's good to understand that, it doesn't excuse his behavior. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but there is never an excuse to mistreat another person.
Every time I read your posts I can see you're a very hurting person. And you should never compare yourself to others. You were very hurt when you were young and you have every right to talk about it. It's good for you to talk about it and get it out - to share your burdens with others. You are not selfish or pitiful. You need the love of your friends. You need understanding.
You're right. Your heavenly Father will never forsake you. He loves you immeasurably and want to heal you. He wants you to be a whole person.
When you share at a place like Living Room, you should not worry about being honest about what happened to you and how you feel about it. Everything we discuss there is confidential. You are safe there to empty yourself of the poisons that bother you. And we do it all in the presence of a loving God.
I will pray for you, Shebee. Thank you for being so honest here.
Love, marja
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