It's been a while...

Well, I am still alive. For the last month or so I have been really down, so I apologise for my hibernation. I did see my gp and she increased my dosage of lamotrigine to 250mg. It has actually really helped (so far - it's been 5 days). My mind is clearer, I have more motivation, and I am performing a lot better at work. I am pretty excited about the progress.
However, last night I had a manic moment and flipped out at my husband and step-son. I then went on to bawl my head off and apologise profusely. Everything turned out okay, but still, I hate it when that happens. I guess my sub-conscious hadn't let go of it yet either because last night I had a horrible nightmare that my husband and I split up. I woke this morning to tell him that I had a nightmare about him and I, and that I loved him, and then I fell back asleep. I eventually stirred at around 11:30, feeling rather bummed out. I feel better now that I have accomplished some things today though (laundry, dishes, etc).
I have been really down about my weight lately...however, I'm hardly doing anything about it. I am taking 'slim-quick' pills, but that's it. No exercise, hardly any fruit and vegetables, etc. I have also been majorly over-eating for comfort again. For example, last night, I went through the McDonald's drive thru and ordered a Big-Mac meal and a McChicken sandwich. I pulled the car over to a secluded area and (secretively - in my mind anyways), I scarfed them both down in a matter of 10 minutes. I then proceeded to chow down on the fries which took me another 5 minutes. Later that night when I had gotten home and was almost ready for bed, I also had a huge bowl of rice with tons of margarine and soy sauce. I went to sleep shortly after that. Talk about self-sabotage. I know I have an over-eating problem - it's how I used to cope with the abuse in my home growing up. When things get stressful, that's where I turn first. Then it's other self-sabotaging things, which I won't get into as they are very personal (maybe one day I will talk about them on here).
Another big thing on my heart at the moment is my step-son. Could you all please pray for him as we move into our new, bigger place in February? I'm worried about him as he gets so easily anxious about any type of change that comes his way. Also, and more importantly, is that his mother's criminal trial for child abduction is coming up, and he happens to be with her that week. (Believe it or not, Canada's laws placed him back into her care 50% of the time, even after the atrocious things she did to him: dressing him up like a girl to conceal him, hiding him out in abandoned houses and cars, teaching him to be afraid of surveillance cameras and the police, telling him that his father - my husband - is a murderer and a pedophile, etc., etc., etc.). We are concerned for his well-being during this confusing time. We are also concerned about the talk that may be happening at his other residence in regards to the trial. They have lied to him a lot when it looked like they were the 'bad guys', and I don't see this situation being any different. They have him almost completely fooled that we are the 'mean people' that took him away from his 'happy' (secluded and abnormal) life in Albuquerque, NM. (Where he had barely any schooling and no contact with other children - no wonder he hates school and has literally no friends.) So much drama for such a little guy. Why God, why?
Well, that's my update. I apologise that I haven't commented on your blogs as of recent...I get myself into a rut of guilt sometimes, thinking that I'm a bad and very self-absorbed person for not commenting, which leads me to seclude myself even more...sorry guys...

Shelly

It wasn't so bad after all

Well, I worked both of my days off and to tell you the truth...it wasn't so bad after all of my moaning and whining about it. Besides, I got overtime for both shifts because I didn't know about them until the day before. That sure does pay the bills! And one of my coworkers decided to take my Saturday shift so that at least I had one day to recooperate (even though all I did was vegetate in front of the tv/computer).
Now I'm sitting here on my break at work again. Ho hum. I still can't seem to completely escape the paranoia that my manager thinks I'm a crappy worker. However, he did ask me to do a more challenging case. Wow. What a miracle. I think I need some couselling on the subject.

People, I really don't want to smoke anymore. It's so disgusting, and really, the only good reason I started was not because of stress, (as I have stated in previous posts), but because I am a sheep and I followed my husband's acts. I feel so unindiviual. Not to mention I feel guilt because I am a Christian and I shouldn't be smoking. How did I ever start? I used to think it was the most disgusting habit on earth. I vehemently opposed Brad's smoking, saying to him that he had to quit before we got married, or else. Well, we've been married now for almost two years, and about a year and a half of that has been occupied by me smoking!!! Barf-o-ramma. I feel so weak and gross everytime I have one. What gives? Well, the upside is that I've only had 2 today, ususally it would have been 4 by this time, so I am trying at least a little.

I had to miss my bipolar support group last week and it has really been felt. I really need to connect with those that are in the same boat as me. That's why this is such a great place for me (and obviously you guys and gals) to blab all of my crapola.

Anyways, breakie is over and I must go. Thanks for reading :)

Fear and Loathing in Surrey

Well, I'm at work and I am sooooo excited that I get two days off. Problem is that I have already been offered a shift for Friday (which I turned down), and now my fellow mammographer just said that she' feeling really sick and will probably call in for tomorrow, and I am the only other mammographer available (there's three of us in the department; one is on holidays).
ACK! I want my two days off!!! I am soooo tired. I am also soooo overwhelmed by the fact that I may have to work tomorrow. I just don't feel 'well' emotionally. I need my two days to re coop. But I am the only one...they'll have to cancel appointments and possibly life saving breast surgeries if I don't come in. Whatever.

I'm feeling really behemoth. I was getting in better shape before I got my wallet stolen from the gym I go to. I think I acted out in rebellion against the thief as I haven't been back since. Problem is I sabotaged myself.
I wanted my two days off to get myself back into the swing of things (exercise wise).

I probably sound like a whiny baby. Oh well, I am whining. We're all entitled to whine once in a while. (I probably whine more than I should but right now I don't care).
Argh.
I guess I have to go...break's over.
Shebee