It all seems very hopeless
tears run down my cheeks
sorrow rears it's ugly head
It's been this way for weeks
When will the suffering end my Lord
I know that you are real
but in the midst of all this strife
Your love is hard to feel
I feel so sick inside my soul
From it I cannot hide
In my heart I know you're with me
In my head you're hard to find
I feel so utterlly hopeless
this I can't deny
but I can't rely on feelings
or I'd bid myself to die
Dear Jesus, please help me through this awful, hatred-filled mess. I am so tired of hating. I am so tired of being bitter. I am so tired of feeling misunderstood. I am so tired of advice that crushes my soul. Please God...bring peace to my tormented spirit.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Stressful days
I am feeling a bit better, thanks to all that commented on my latest (and most depressing) blog. I still feel the underlying sadness, but I have taken steps to overcome it. I was mad at my husband for numerous reasons, so I talked to him, found out he was equally mad at me for numerous reasons as well, and we hashed it out. Then we decided (after we had cooled our tempers and had made up) to go for a 'date' on Tuesday. That was step one. Step two was eating healthier again. I have been exercising, but I haven't been eating for weight loss lately. Yesterday and today I have done well (so far). I have begun to try quitting smoking again (yes, I started again, but not without EXTREME conviction in my heart)...I have the patch on as we speak. I have been praying more again, which always helps.
Still I have a deep rooted sadness. Most of it stems from my troubled step-son, I just can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel on that one. He is SO troubled. His 'other' family is evil, absolutely evil. I just don't feel like I can take it anymore...I'm at such a loss as to what to do with him. Half of me wants to hang in there, the other half of me just wants to give up and move out for a while. I wouldn't want to separate from my husband, but I can't handle my step-son, I just can't take him and his crazy family anymore. I really need God's help. I really need support. I really need God's grace to help me to love him beyond human comprehension, even though he bullies other children and hits us, etc.
I'm at a loss...
Still I have a deep rooted sadness. Most of it stems from my troubled step-son, I just can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel on that one. He is SO troubled. His 'other' family is evil, absolutely evil. I just don't feel like I can take it anymore...I'm at such a loss as to what to do with him. Half of me wants to hang in there, the other half of me just wants to give up and move out for a while. I wouldn't want to separate from my husband, but I can't handle my step-son, I just can't take him and his crazy family anymore. I really need God's help. I really need support. I really need God's grace to help me to love him beyond human comprehension, even though he bullies other children and hits us, etc.
I'm at a loss...
Friday, June 15, 2007
Dying Inside
My heart aches...my soul aches...I'm so pissed off right now...I hate my life...I hate this disease...
I hate everything. I am sooooooooo low...what is wrong with m y medications??? I am so sick and tired of being up, then down, up then down...I hate this..I am so sad and I want to die...I pray for death...please God, take me from this disgusting and horrible life...I hate me...
I hate everything. I am sooooooooo low...what is wrong with m y medications??? I am so sick and tired of being up, then down, up then down...I hate this..I am so sad and I want to die...I pray for death...please God, take me from this disgusting and horrible life...I hate me...
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Coming out of the shadows
I am feeling better, thank you to all of you who encouraged me with my loss last weekend. Amazingly, I felt better by Tuesday. Usually, when I was more unstable, it would have taken me at least a week before I could even come back to work after a situation llike that. This time, I only needed one day off to regroup and recoup. Of coarse it still saddens me, but I know a lot of ladies who have been through the same thing as me and they have gone on to have healthy children. And hey, it got me to quit smoking and to take better care of myself...that is a miracle in and of itself. It also helped me to take the plunge and (with my physicians guidance) decrease my paxil and clonazepam, as they are potentially harmful to a fetus, even at the low dosages I am on.
As for this week, it has been up and down. I have been rather grouchy and quick tempered with my husband and step-son. Whether it has anything to do with my paxil/clonazepam decrease and stressful weekend, I'm thinking probably. I have just been feeling an overall frustration and a haziness in my head. My tummy has been in mini knots too...not completely unbearable knots, just mini ones.
As for my day...well, it started out wonderful. I finally went back to Marja's church (where I spoke and sung with Chalexa a few weeks back). Before I got to church, however, my car over-heated, so I ended up being 15 minutes late. I knew that the devil didn't want me going to a church that I really felt comfortable in, so I just pressed on and made sure I got there (after a quick trip to the gas station to buy some coolant). My perseverance payed off and I had a wonderful time at church. I felt a little awkward at first but then Marja found me and sat with me (thanks again for that Marja :) you're great!) I also made a big decision today too; I decided to start tithing again. I have been meaning to for years, but meaning to and doing are completely different things. I feel so satisfied that I obeyed God. I don't think that I have really 'obeyed' him for a long time. I have done things out of guilt and pressure, but not out of a longing to please my creator. All in all, it was a very positive experience and I will be returning with hubby in arm next Sunday.
After church I went to the gym and had a great workout: 45 minutes of intense cardio (it's great for my heart, my weight loss, and my mental health! I'm down 18 lbs by the way!) and 20 minutes of weight training and abs.
Then I got home and got ready to go out to my Dad's birthday party at my parents' house.
When we left, this was when things changed. My step-son began being extremely rude to both myself and his father, and it was pressing on my last nerve. I felt the anger bubbling up, so I turned on the music and pretended everything was hunky dory (ignoring his verbal jabs and huffing) and eventually he fell asleep. Peace at last...? Well, we then went to the mall to get my dad something for his birthday and that actually went quite smoothly, as I just flew into future shop and bought him a gift card. fewf. Next stop was the liquor store to buy him a 6 pack of his favorite beer (for those of you who read my blog and are from anywhere other than Canada, we don't have alcohol for sale in our grocery stores). Well, this is where it gets tense. We go to the liquor store, and what do ya know, it's closed down. Well, then we remember that there is another one across town...we go there - that one has since closed down too!!! There was someone there, however, to let us know that there was a new liquor store kitty corner to where we had just driven from!!!
By this time my tummy was grumbling and I was getting annoyed. So we decided to pick up some appetizers and a card for my dad at the grocery store. Well, we got our stuff (all the while my step-son woke up and began being very rude to us again) and headed out to the car. We then drove to the parking lot across the street to get to the new liquor store. I checked my purse. I checked it again. My bank card was gone. I checked my back pockets...nothing. I checked the car. Nothing. Brad and I figured that I had left it at the grocery store, so back we went across the street to the grocery store parking lot. I parked in a no parking zone and jumped out while Brad and my step-son stayed in the car. The lady at the register, unfortunately, did not have my bank card (to my frustration! That was the last place I used it, so naturally it would be there...no?) Well, then I came out to the car in a huff, flipping out that I couldn't find my bank card. I started searching everywhere I could think of, and at one point I guess my butt was sticking too far out of the car while I was frantically looking for my card under the seat, and some guy in a big truck honked at me (I was in a no parking zone, after all). I stood up, rolled my eyes in frustration,(not necessarily at him but at the situation at hand), and then he proceeded to cuss at me. I didn't care though, my bank card was missing!!! Well, the guy from the truck passed by us on his way into the grocery store and he cussed me out again! This time I didn't hear it, but Brad did. Have I ever mentioned that when my husband is stressed out, he can become an absolute maniac? Well, because of his son's rudeness, he was stressed. He immediately cussed back at the guy and ran into the store after him! Shortly thereafter he came back out and said, "Let's go...NOW!!!" Well, I didn't know what had happened in there and frankly, at that moment I didn't care. I was determined to find my bank card in the store! So, against my husbands wishes, I went into the store, and wouldn't you know it, all the managers were out and about, looking around for my husband so they could call the cops on him! I quickly retraced my steps to see if I had dropped my bank card on the floor anywhere and then I took off and jumped in the car, sped away and spazzed at Brad for whatever he had done. I found out after that Brad had just spoke to the man to defend my honour, but when he kept cussing at Brad, Brad decided to 'belly-check' him, almost knocking the cussing man to the ground!!! "What the heck is going on????" Is what I was thinking.
Then I remembered...I went to a wonderful service at church and I tithed 10% of our earnings for the week. I had obeyed God twice in the same instance. The devil was NOT happy with me. So, instead of completely spazzing out, I calmly called my bank to cancel my card, and then drove to my parents house. I did light up a cigarette, which was not a good thing, but I figured after that moment, I needed one (or at least me flesh did). Brad, my step-son and I then went on to have a fine evening, and now everything seems to be ok. I am still stressed that the police may end up knocking on our door because of Brad's temper...but what can you do? What's done is done, I can't change it.
Anyways, that was my day. Could you that pray please pray for protection for Brad, my step-son and I? That would be awesome. Thanks.
Shebee
As for this week, it has been up and down. I have been rather grouchy and quick tempered with my husband and step-son. Whether it has anything to do with my paxil/clonazepam decrease and stressful weekend, I'm thinking probably. I have just been feeling an overall frustration and a haziness in my head. My tummy has been in mini knots too...not completely unbearable knots, just mini ones.
As for my day...well, it started out wonderful. I finally went back to Marja's church (where I spoke and sung with Chalexa a few weeks back). Before I got to church, however, my car over-heated, so I ended up being 15 minutes late. I knew that the devil didn't want me going to a church that I really felt comfortable in, so I just pressed on and made sure I got there (after a quick trip to the gas station to buy some coolant). My perseverance payed off and I had a wonderful time at church. I felt a little awkward at first but then Marja found me and sat with me (thanks again for that Marja :) you're great!) I also made a big decision today too; I decided to start tithing again. I have been meaning to for years, but meaning to and doing are completely different things. I feel so satisfied that I obeyed God. I don't think that I have really 'obeyed' him for a long time. I have done things out of guilt and pressure, but not out of a longing to please my creator. All in all, it was a very positive experience and I will be returning with hubby in arm next Sunday.
After church I went to the gym and had a great workout: 45 minutes of intense cardio (it's great for my heart, my weight loss, and my mental health! I'm down 18 lbs by the way!) and 20 minutes of weight training and abs.
Then I got home and got ready to go out to my Dad's birthday party at my parents' house.
When we left, this was when things changed. My step-son began being extremely rude to both myself and his father, and it was pressing on my last nerve. I felt the anger bubbling up, so I turned on the music and pretended everything was hunky dory (ignoring his verbal jabs and huffing) and eventually he fell asleep. Peace at last...? Well, we then went to the mall to get my dad something for his birthday and that actually went quite smoothly, as I just flew into future shop and bought him a gift card. fewf. Next stop was the liquor store to buy him a 6 pack of his favorite beer (for those of you who read my blog and are from anywhere other than Canada, we don't have alcohol for sale in our grocery stores). Well, this is where it gets tense. We go to the liquor store, and what do ya know, it's closed down. Well, then we remember that there is another one across town...we go there - that one has since closed down too!!! There was someone there, however, to let us know that there was a new liquor store kitty corner to where we had just driven from!!!
By this time my tummy was grumbling and I was getting annoyed. So we decided to pick up some appetizers and a card for my dad at the grocery store. Well, we got our stuff (all the while my step-son woke up and began being very rude to us again) and headed out to the car. We then drove to the parking lot across the street to get to the new liquor store. I checked my purse. I checked it again. My bank card was gone. I checked my back pockets...nothing. I checked the car. Nothing. Brad and I figured that I had left it at the grocery store, so back we went across the street to the grocery store parking lot. I parked in a no parking zone and jumped out while Brad and my step-son stayed in the car. The lady at the register, unfortunately, did not have my bank card (to my frustration! That was the last place I used it, so naturally it would be there...no?) Well, then I came out to the car in a huff, flipping out that I couldn't find my bank card. I started searching everywhere I could think of, and at one point I guess my butt was sticking too far out of the car while I was frantically looking for my card under the seat, and some guy in a big truck honked at me (I was in a no parking zone, after all). I stood up, rolled my eyes in frustration,(not necessarily at him but at the situation at hand), and then he proceeded to cuss at me. I didn't care though, my bank card was missing!!! Well, the guy from the truck passed by us on his way into the grocery store and he cussed me out again! This time I didn't hear it, but Brad did. Have I ever mentioned that when my husband is stressed out, he can become an absolute maniac? Well, because of his son's rudeness, he was stressed. He immediately cussed back at the guy and ran into the store after him! Shortly thereafter he came back out and said, "Let's go...NOW!!!" Well, I didn't know what had happened in there and frankly, at that moment I didn't care. I was determined to find my bank card in the store! So, against my husbands wishes, I went into the store, and wouldn't you know it, all the managers were out and about, looking around for my husband so they could call the cops on him! I quickly retraced my steps to see if I had dropped my bank card on the floor anywhere and then I took off and jumped in the car, sped away and spazzed at Brad for whatever he had done. I found out after that Brad had just spoke to the man to defend my honour, but when he kept cussing at Brad, Brad decided to 'belly-check' him, almost knocking the cussing man to the ground!!! "What the heck is going on????" Is what I was thinking.
Then I remembered...I went to a wonderful service at church and I tithed 10% of our earnings for the week. I had obeyed God twice in the same instance. The devil was NOT happy with me. So, instead of completely spazzing out, I calmly called my bank to cancel my card, and then drove to my parents house. I did light up a cigarette, which was not a good thing, but I figured after that moment, I needed one (or at least me flesh did). Brad, my step-son and I then went on to have a fine evening, and now everything seems to be ok. I am still stressed that the police may end up knocking on our door because of Brad's temper...but what can you do? What's done is done, I can't change it.
Anyways, that was my day. Could you that pray please pray for protection for Brad, my step-son and I? That would be awesome. Thanks.
Shebee
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