I find myslef sad today...I am feeling sorry for myself again. I wish I didn't have this illness...I feel like it's not tangible so I have nothing to complain about. I've tried to say to myslef that it is a 'physiological chemical imbalance' but I don't even know if that's true. Maybe the abuse from my past is what triggered it and I am just a weak person...? And even the abuse from my past was a piece of cake compared to some other people's pasts. I went to a different church yesterday and left feeling worse that I had coming in. The worship was great, but the message completely convicted me and made me feel solemn and sorrowful for all of my mistakes. I wast to feel free but can't seem to reach the branch above me to get out of this slimy pit of despair. I am also saddened that one of my good blogging buddies no longer has a blog and I miss her comments and words of encouragement. Sad, sad, sad...is this all there is to my life? I don't want tobe drowning in self-pity all the time...paranoid that people don't like me and are talking about me and my 'problems'...ugh...
Please Jesus, let a new song to come into my heart oh God, heal my wounds and make me who You want me to be. Amen
4 comments:
Hi Shebee,
Life cannot be that bleak. You are clinging on people and things that do not last. That's the reason why when that person or that something is gone, you feel loneliness and emptiness inside.
Our pastor last Sunday gave us a message that says, God uses pain to talk to us in a megaphone. Normally, God talk to us in a "still small voice," but when we don't stop to listen, He uses pain as a megaphone to force us to listen.
Maybe, you are looking at the wrong places to meet Him. You don't meet Him at the church or through mutual friends but inside your heart. He is always there knocking at the door of your heart. If you will open the door, He will enter in and eat with you. (Revelation 3:20)
Try to visit my blog again and listen to the song of Hillsong- I Simply Live For You," and let its lyrics overwhelm you with its poignancy and depth of emotions. Maybe, just maybe, you can touch base with Jesus again. And do pray always. So many wonders are wrought by prayers.
I will pray for you that His light will shine upon you to dispel all the darkness surrounding you.
God bless you with His amazing grace and tender loving kindness.
I miss Chalexa too. Feel like I've lost touch with her. Perhaps we could persuade her to start another blog? Perhaps you could phone her on both our behalves?
You're young, Shebee. With good medical care, support from friends, and a steady faith in our loving heavenly Father, things will get better.
Do you have someone you can talk to about your feelings and about the past that bothers you? Sometimes, when talking things out with my friends isn't enough, I see a Christian counselor. She helps me get things into perspective.
And, like Mel says, meeting Jesus in prayer will do wonders. Have you tried a prayer journal?
Am praying for you.
Love - marja
Shebee -
I don't know what happened to you, but whether other people's abuse was worse than yours, it doesn't matter. You still feel the same way you do about it. That's what matters. Just know you're a very special person, and you obviously have people who care about you and love you very much.
Thank you for your comments, I a still 'in the depths' (especially today)...Mel, you are right. I need to spend more time with God. I feel so weak; so frustrated...I thought of suicide today...I don't know what is wrong with me
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