I just want to say thank you to all of you who responded to my previous blog excerpt. I was feeling especially rotten that week and it took me until now to get up enough stamina to blog again.
I am doing okay. Just okay though. I spent way too much money yesterday and now my hubby and I will have no money for food, gas, etc. for the rest of the week because of my stupidity. I haven't binged like that for a while. I guess it was simmering...shit. We do, however, have enough for rent, and I guess that's what's most important.
Last night I went out with my friends from work and I got totally blitzed. I think I was having a manic day as I was spending money and drinking like it was going out of style. I feel so bad. My husband is going to kill me.
I have to get back to work now...and boy is it fun to be at work with a massive hangover...blah.
Feeling ever so sheepish and dumb,
Shebee
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Not good enough
I am not good enough. Never have been, never will be.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Argh!
Today I worked with someone that really rubs me the wrong way. The thing is, I have no idea why I don't like her. Everyone else seems to love her. Maybe I'm jealous? Maybe I'm intimidated by her? She's a very perky little thing and normally I like perky people. But not her. I don't get it.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Things are looking up
Well it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. I am NOT pregnant. Turns out I had food poisoning.
Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.
The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.
Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.
But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.
I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.
I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.
Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.
Shebee
Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.
The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.
Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.
But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.
I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.
I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.
Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.
Shebee
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