Things are looking up

Well it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. I am NOT pregnant. Turns out I had food poisoning.

Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.

The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!

Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.

Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.

But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.

I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.

I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.

Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.

Shebee