Update

Well, it's been a few days since my 'crash'. I have been feeling a lot more normal now, which is absolutely wonderful! Today is 'partial' moving day (we're doing the rest on the 1st) and I am unfortunately unable to help because I have hurt my foot somehow (I think it's the baby weight causing strain). Normally, I would feel helpless and hopeless right now, but strangely, I feel no guilt or frustration...I just know that I can only do what I can do! I'm thinking rationally...clearly! Sigh of relief! There is so much to do too, but I still don't feel overwhelmed as I am a lucky woman and I have people in my life who are understanding and are willing to help me with the move, no questions asked (or guilt trips played).
I had a really great night last night too. I went out for one of my best friends' birthdays and we had a great night. It was close and intimate. Nothing to cause anxiety over. No new people I didn't know, just good, old friends. We all caught up and it was great! I had to watch myself though...I tend to talk about baby/expecting a little too much...I'm just excited though!!! Talk about a life altering change! But still, for those who aren't in my shoes, well...it can be a bit tiresome, I'm sure.
Anyways, I'm gonna go and read some blogs now. I hope and pray that you are all well.

Whoah Nelly...

I have been experiencing a mixed state for the last few days prior, but yesterday was definately depression. I am going to post something that is not for the faint of heart. It was something that I typed out of emotional agony last night. There is some swearing, and it is extremely negative. If you are feeling low, maybe skip this one. If you aren't, maybe you could gie me some of your insight...? Anways, here goes:

So dreadful, so alone. I can’t escape this body of death. Despair, rejection, fear, frustration. I am the one who got away. I am the one whom God’s grace could not cover. I am that one. That is the way I feel. I hate feelings. I hate my sickness. I hate how it seems to control my life. I hate even more that others don’t see it for what it is and think that I have nothing better to do than to feel sorry for myself. I long to feel wholeness. Has any wholeness I’ve ever felt been real? Or has it been a hypo-manic or manic episode?
Is Brad really the man I was supposed to marry, or did I fuck that one up too? I should have stayed single? What about this precious being in my womb? What about them? They MUST have a purpose here. Why would I have been in this situation otherwise? Maybe there really is no point to life. I thought that life was about God, goodness, kindness, gentleness, etc. All I feel is dread, dread, dread. I put on a good show though don’t I? Nobody at work would ever suspect. Or would they? My fears of being ‘found out’ realized? I have so much shit in this mind of mine. So much putrid filth and shit. The muck and mire. The disgusting toxic bitterness and hatred of years past and present. Apparently, the bible tells me that there is a way out of this distress. That is to ‘trust God’. How can I trust God when God wasn’t there for me when I needed Him the most? Oh wait, He was there, but he was in disguise and let bad things happen to me. He lets bad things happen to a lot of people. We are owed something good in life, aren’t we? Instead, it all comes back to the putrid filth and shit in my head. The ‘Shelly, you’re a failure’ or, ‘Shelly, you’ll never amount to anything…loser, pig, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless…’. I have failed at so many avenues in my life. As a student, in my finances, in my career, in my marriage, in being a step-parent, in being a daughter, in being a friend, in being a Christian, in being a human being.
Anxiety, fear, hatred. Loathing of oneself is never a good thing; however, it seems to plague my thought life more often than not. I want to die. I don’t want this baby to be born to me. Worse yet, I fear that this baby won’t love me when he/she finds out what a mess I am. If I have failed at everything else in my life, why not parenthood? I know Oriah doesn’t give two shits about me. What makes me think my birth child will?
Life is hard, no one said it wouldn’t be. Maybe I am one of the few that just can’t hack it. Maybe I should leave this place ahead of my time. Baby would be better off without me. I can’t do that to baby. He/she would think that I abandoned them, when really, he/she is the only thing keeping me alive inside right now. I can’t give up now, especially not now. Though I crave to escape from this pit of despair

Now for today:
I feel great...totally hypo-manic. I was smiley and friendly all day today. I had extra wit and charm. I ate properly. I made myself look pretty. It was crazy at work today but I managed to thrive due to my surplus of energy. I have been thanking God and praising Him all day.
I find iwhat I wrote last night to be very disturbing. I could NEVER abandon my loved ones, let alone my brand new baby. I know that God has a purpose for my life. Yes there has been sadness in my life, but without manure, what beautiful bloom can grow? Who hasn't experienced pain in their life?
What is real? What are the hormones? What is my illness? Wow, I'm confused; more than that, I'm scared.
But, on a lighter note, I must agree with Jenalexa in a recent blog of hers...being hypo-manic sure is awesome while it lasts!!! I really hope it lasts...actually no. I crave normalcy. Normal will do.
Until tomorrow...Shebee

Uncomfortable in my own skin

Feeling very ....weird today. Last night wasn't good either. Is it another mixed state? Did I end up throwing up my meds on Sunday morning? I just feel so out of sorts and all over the place. Extremely paranoid for one thing...I hate this...dread creeps into my gut and I can't seem to get it out. I feel like an awful person. An awful wife, and awful friend, an awful employee...you get the idea. Maybe this is depression rearing its ugly head again. Who knows. I don't!
Sometimes I wonder if I should even be working anymore. I know I'm productive when I get there (for the most part), but it's the fear, the dread, and the getting there that feels sooooo difficult. I don't feel as though anyone of my staff members would be kind and understanding if they really knew what was going on in my personal life. I feel as though half of them have already guessed, and those are the half that have little or no compassion for people suffering with mental illness.
Only 3 months left though, before I go on my maternity leave...only 3 months...
I can do this!!!
God, please give me an understanding friend at work...please...let me be able to vent every now and then to them...please help me out of this slimy pit that I seem to have sunken into... and please help my family understand me better so that they can help me better...please help us to get through the move to our new house without me going completely insane, and please give me grace towards my sister-in-law, so that I hold no resentment towards her. Thank you for Your goodness and Your grace. Please give me the strength that I do not have. I love you Lord. Amen.

Stomach flu from %$#@!

Holy smokes, nothing like a horrid stomach flu to make you realize what you're missing in day to day life.  I went out for Mexican food on Saturday and when I got home, I started to feel a bit queazy.  I figured it was just the spice and the amount of food I had ingested.  Well, I didn't end up sleeping much and when I did wake up at about 6-am, I was in agony.  My stomach was so sore and I couldn't get comfortable.  At around 10-am, that's when the spew-fest began...ugh.  I then proceeded to call my friend whom I had eaten the mexican food with, and she was just fine.  I know that a horrible stomach flu is traveling all over the lower mainland of BC, (particularly because half the staff at my job have been off sick with it) so I put 2 and 2 together and...well, you get the idea.  I have also had the other wonderful symptoms associated with this nasty bug, which I know you know full well, so I won't go there, and my temperature yesterday was 102.5 degrees. This was particularly worrisome as I am almost 7 months pregnant and I was very worried about baby.  Baby seems to be just fine though.  Even though I hardly ate at all yesterday, baby is still kicking up a storm.  I was able to eat some cereal and coffee this morning, with a little discomfort, but hey, I gotta eat, so that's good.  

Anyways, now for my moods.  I have been noticing a pattern.  Every other week seems to present itself with a mixed state of a few days or so.  In this mixed state, I am usually bawling at commercials, throwing things at my husband, and smacking my head against the wall (literally...last night we almost had to get the spackle out).  It really frustrates me.  I feel good for about 10 days and then, yikes!  Watch out, here comes psycho pregnant lady!  The thoughts in my head are horrible too...very disturbing and guilt provoking.  Perverted, angry, destructive...you name it.  I almost feel like I need to be delivered from a demonic hold on my life when those thoughts come.  But, because I am a bipolar II/anxiety suffering person, I don't want to over spiritualize anything.  All I know though, is that I:

a. feel far from God 

b. feel crazy

c. feel guilty for making my husband crazy

d. feel scared of how good a mom I'll be

e. feel like killing my loved ones

There are many other things too, but I can't figure them all out right now.  You with bp know what I'm talking about.  I just know that I'm really struggling to feel peace.  I am constantly wanting to be busy with something so I don't have to think.  The carpel tunnel in my wrists and my being sick this weekend have forced me to slow down...maybe that's why my blog is longer today...I need/ed to vent I guess.  

Anyways, I gotta rest my wrists now.  My massage therapist would kill me if he saw me typing when I don't actually have to for work.

Update...short and sweet

So we found a place that is PERFECTO for us, my sis-in-law is not driving me as mental, ()and plans to move out in 6 months or so, baby is doing well, and my mood seems to have stabilized after a wacko 3 day mixed state last weekend. Thank you God. I would type a heck of a lot more but my wrists are causing my hands to go numb and I don't have my braces on them (tisk tisk!) so I need to get going. Love and hugs.
Shebee