Whoah Nelly...

I have been experiencing a mixed state for the last few days prior, but yesterday was definately depression. I am going to post something that is not for the faint of heart. It was something that I typed out of emotional agony last night. There is some swearing, and it is extremely negative. If you are feeling low, maybe skip this one. If you aren't, maybe you could gie me some of your insight...? Anways, here goes:

So dreadful, so alone. I can’t escape this body of death. Despair, rejection, fear, frustration. I am the one who got away. I am the one whom God’s grace could not cover. I am that one. That is the way I feel. I hate feelings. I hate my sickness. I hate how it seems to control my life. I hate even more that others don’t see it for what it is and think that I have nothing better to do than to feel sorry for myself. I long to feel wholeness. Has any wholeness I’ve ever felt been real? Or has it been a hypo-manic or manic episode?
Is Brad really the man I was supposed to marry, or did I fuck that one up too? I should have stayed single? What about this precious being in my womb? What about them? They MUST have a purpose here. Why would I have been in this situation otherwise? Maybe there really is no point to life. I thought that life was about God, goodness, kindness, gentleness, etc. All I feel is dread, dread, dread. I put on a good show though don’t I? Nobody at work would ever suspect. Or would they? My fears of being ‘found out’ realized? I have so much shit in this mind of mine. So much putrid filth and shit. The muck and mire. The disgusting toxic bitterness and hatred of years past and present. Apparently, the bible tells me that there is a way out of this distress. That is to ‘trust God’. How can I trust God when God wasn’t there for me when I needed Him the most? Oh wait, He was there, but he was in disguise and let bad things happen to me. He lets bad things happen to a lot of people. We are owed something good in life, aren’t we? Instead, it all comes back to the putrid filth and shit in my head. The ‘Shelly, you’re a failure’ or, ‘Shelly, you’ll never amount to anything…loser, pig, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless…’. I have failed at so many avenues in my life. As a student, in my finances, in my career, in my marriage, in being a step-parent, in being a daughter, in being a friend, in being a Christian, in being a human being.
Anxiety, fear, hatred. Loathing of oneself is never a good thing; however, it seems to plague my thought life more often than not. I want to die. I don’t want this baby to be born to me. Worse yet, I fear that this baby won’t love me when he/she finds out what a mess I am. If I have failed at everything else in my life, why not parenthood? I know Oriah doesn’t give two shits about me. What makes me think my birth child will?
Life is hard, no one said it wouldn’t be. Maybe I am one of the few that just can’t hack it. Maybe I should leave this place ahead of my time. Baby would be better off without me. I can’t do that to baby. He/she would think that I abandoned them, when really, he/she is the only thing keeping me alive inside right now. I can’t give up now, especially not now. Though I crave to escape from this pit of despair

Now for today:
I feel great...totally hypo-manic. I was smiley and friendly all day today. I had extra wit and charm. I ate properly. I made myself look pretty. It was crazy at work today but I managed to thrive due to my surplus of energy. I have been thanking God and praising Him all day.
I find iwhat I wrote last night to be very disturbing. I could NEVER abandon my loved ones, let alone my brand new baby. I know that God has a purpose for my life. Yes there has been sadness in my life, but without manure, what beautiful bloom can grow? Who hasn't experienced pain in their life?
What is real? What are the hormones? What is my illness? Wow, I'm confused; more than that, I'm scared.
But, on a lighter note, I must agree with Jenalexa in a recent blog of hers...being hypo-manic sure is awesome while it lasts!!! I really hope it lasts...actually no. I crave normalcy. Normal will do.
Until tomorrow...Shebee