Fighting with hubby

I know that the hormones are starting to change a bit now that baby is getting ready to come out. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better because of this though? Apparently not. I'm really scared that I'm going to have post-partum depression. What's worse is that I feel so unsupported by my hubby, which is not going to be conducive to a smooth arrival into the world for baby. I really do wish that I could just stay at a family members place for the first 6-8 weeks post-birth like they do in other cultures. All that is expected of you is to nurse, eat, change diapers and sleep. Everyone else caters to you. No wonder Post-partum depression is soooo prevalent in the west! You're expected to 'calf' and get back to work! Well, I am one of the fortunate people wherein I have a good paying job that allows me to have a full year off with benefits and (reduced) pay, which is supplemented to 80% of my earnings for the first 17 weeks, and then down to 55% of my earnings (through EI) for the remainder of the year. I suppose I should be focusing on all of the 'good stuff' that is happening. However readers, as you may know, I have had a bumpy road with this pregnancy. Hormonal fluctuations + bipolar type II + anxiety + me = one crazy woman who is very hard to deal with unless she's got her smile painted on (for church, work, social functions...not for poor hubby).
Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.

I want to clarify:

• I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
• I am grateful to have found a good man
• I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
• I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
• I am grateful for my job
• I am grateful to be a Christian
• I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy

However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.

Come on baby!!!

Still not feeling so hot...I had a great afternoon yesterday, but a crappy sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and my pelvis is killing me!!! It helps when I take tylenol so that's what I've been doing, but I don't want to take too much, even though the pro's say it's safe for pregnancy. I guess I am just really excited to meet my little one, but disapointed that if I go too overdue, I'll have to get induced. Induction would be great if it worked every time! It increases the likelihood of a ceaserean birth by a mile. Oh well. I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't have to worry about that until next Wednesday (if I go 10 days over). I think I just want to experience true labour. I want to experience what God designed my body to do. But hey, I have to just go with the flow. If I'm too anxious, baby won't be going anywhere.
Anyways, enough from me.
Sorry if I seem whiny. You all must be sick of it!

Not sure what to type today...just not feeling so hot lately is all. My mind is all jumbled so this may not make a lot of sense.
I had a bit of a melt down last night (I say a bit...my husband and mother thought it was more than a bit). I spazzed out and took off with the car for 15 minutes when my husband came home from work. I have been experiencing massive cabin fever since my hubby is still trying to get his vehicle up and running. It's not like I didn't do anything yesterday either...I went to the lake with my sister and her kids. Still, I guess 'cause I felt like a beached whale, didn't have my swimming suit, and wasn't very comfy, it wasn't the outing that I really needed (what that outing is, I don't know).
I was upset with my husband for 2 reasons:

1) lately he has been teasing me about my HUGEness - I know he does it out of fun, but I already feel unattractive enough. Yes I'm carrying a child, but I have gained almost 60 lbs on an already chubby frame, my face is puffy and I have stretch marks all over...ugh. No amount of make-up or hair fixing seems to do anything.

2) as soon as he gets home, he goes to work on his car. I've been home all day; pregnant and kinda lonely, thinking that he thinks I'm a huge unattractive heifer. Then he goes and does something else away from me. Huh. No wonder I think he's serious when he teases me.

So, back to my 'peeling out of the driveway' moment - yeah, I came back 15 minutes later and told my hubby how I felt. He was quite understanding and apologised. He then went and had a shower, and I watched some dumb show on TV. I still didn't feel much better when he came back though. I was still feeling sorry for myself and he got very frustrated with me because of it.
I then called my mom to ask if we could 'borrow' some groceries. She seemed frustrated with me asking so I then told her to forget about it and hung up.
I then had the immense urge to clean up our pig pen house so I started the dishes. My hubby came rushing in and told me he would do them but I didn't care. I wanted to get them done. I then proceeded to clean the entire kitchen and sweep the entire house. Then I mopped the floor. At this time my mom showed up with a bunch of groceries - instead of being grateful and gracious to my poor mother I said, 'What are you doing here???' She was understandingly taken aback by my rudeness. She put the groceries in the kitchen, asked me how I was as I was madly cleaning the floors (to which I shrugged and said 'fine' as I was sweating, huffing and puffing), went outside to breath for a couple of minutes and then left in a huff. I don't blame her. I was being a total bitch. I eventually called her to apologise, again, in manic-y manner. Shge was quite understanding and kind to me, despite how mean I had just been to her. I'm lucky to have such a good mom.
I then continued with my obsessive cleaning regimen when my hubby came and asked me, quite forcefully, to stop and calm down. I eventually did, as my back was aching and I don't think that physically I could have done anymore anyways. Then hubby and I sat down and watched some TV. I swear, 10 minutes later I was completely restored to 'normal Shelly'.
Was that a manic/mixed state, or was it a hormonal influx? Or does it even matter? I don't know...
I do know however, that I am 3 days overdue and really want to meet my baby! There is a lot to think about right now...
I don't know what else to type anymore. My hands hurt anyways. Whatever.

Stupid drama

Well, this is what we get for having roomates. I can't beleive the shit that is going on in my household days (or even minutes...who knows?) before I go into labour. What did I do to deserve this? All Brad and I want is some peace in our lives after the grueling first 3 years of our marriage. But no...my sister in law had to bring all her shit out on me, and now our tenant downstairs is being a total prick and not cleaning up after his cat. We have told him that the fumes are toxic to me and the baby, but to no avail. He doesn't seem to care at all. Now my hubby wants to kick him out...that would be great if we didn't need the $750 that he contributes each month so badly! His girlfriend is a complete peice of work too...AHHHHHHHHH!!! I can't handle this!!! I hate this!!! Hate this!!! Hate this!!!
I really do wish I had a river I could skate away on, just like the song says...
Guys, if you pray, I could really use it right now...please???

So bored!!!

Well, it is crunch time! I have sooooo much to do and so little time left to prepare for it. However, my hips hurt, me feet feel huge (and I've been advised to stay off of them) and I decided to have an extra cup of java this morning (against my better judgement). In other words, I want to do all this stuff, but physically, I can't do that much. Without a car I am housebound as well. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Stir crazy city!!! I wish somebody could come along and bonk me on the head to knock me out for a couple of hours just to pass the time! (Who wants my address???)
I keep getting the advice to take it easy because this is the last time I will ever be bored in my life. I can totally appreciate what people are saying to me, but I really hate sitting still. I think that being a mom may just be therapeutic for me! My mom even said that she thinks this child will calm me down. Who knows.
Man, I wish I hadn't had that extra cup of coffee this morning. I'm trying to ween off my clonazepam, but how can I when I'm loading myself up with a stimulant! I had chest pain yesterday too, which I know ids from weening off of the stuff so I had to increase my dosage last night with the plans to cut back again tonight...I guess there will be no sleep for me!!! Not that that's unusual lately. My hips are 'preparing for labour' and are so sore that it makes it next to impossible to have a good slumber. I'm up at least 10 times a night peeing, shifting, eating, sipping my water, tossing...you get the idea. Oh well, I guess God is preparing me for the looming lack of sleep that I will have soon enough! I can't believe that I am due in 4 days! I have a feeling that my little angel will be arriving either right on schedule, give or take a couple of days. I have been massively 'nesting' as they say, and I figure that if my hips hurt this bad, it's because I'll be giving birth sooner rather than later. I just hope I make it to my pedicure appointment tomorrow! Gotta have some lovely toes for the doctor and all the nurses looking down there ya know! Haha! Lol! Anyways, can you tell that I'm hyper? Maybe a little hypo-manic again? (Was I ever not...it's hard to tell...)
Anyways, love to all of you. May God bless you this day and always. Thanks for reading :)
Shebee

Pregnancy update...still pregant

Well, thankfully I do not have toxemia! Yay!!! It's amazing how a little rest and relaxation can drop your blood pressure significantly...I even lost a pound and a half! Weird!

However, I am starving and my carpel tunnel hands are killing me! In other words, this is a short and sweet post.

I will post a more interesting segment tomorrow!!!

Oh, and C.A., thanks so much for your encouraging comment on my previous post :)
Unfortunately my actual e-mail address is not the one listed under my blogger account and I can't seem to figure out how to change the darn thing! I posted a reply comment on my previous blog just for you though!

Cheers all :)

Welcome back hypo-mania!

I know it seems a little odd to be excited about having my old friend hypo-mania returning, but it sure as HELL beats the depression that has been plaguing me! The only thing I really don't like about it is the anger that comes with it. But let me tell you: waking up actually feeling excited about the day has been a long overdue treasure that I have missed for months!
It's probably got a lot to do with my decrease in seroquel lately. My pdoc said that if I do okay on 200 instead of 300mg I should be ok to stay at that dosage, since baby is coming any day now. Now it's the daunting task of decreasing my clonazepam. I hate being on it. I feel like a druggy as it's a 'controlled substance'. At least the pharmacist had me feeling that way when I asked for an advance 'cause I had no money to purchase my last prescription. She said it really loud too...it was soooo embarassing! I already feel shitty enough having to take all these stupid meds while I'm pregnant, but for her to draw attention to me like that in the pharmacy at my local grocery store was really, like I said, embarrassing! I can't wait to be off of them. I only take 1 mg a day, so I'll start to decrease that probably tonight by .5 mg. My anxiety and depression have been soooo bad during my pregnancy that I was unable to decrease them unless I wasn't working. Now that I'm not working anymore and there are only 11 days left before baby is due, it's about high time. Baby seems totally fine, but still, there is a risk of withdrawal for the poor little one . Wow, that makes me feel guilty as sin!!! But hey, I've been under the direction of a reproductive psychiatrist...she knows what she's doing. She constantly reminds me that it's better that I'm a healthy mom for my baby than suffering through without the aid of meds. The biggest concern I had was neural tube defects as a result of the paxil and that's a non-issue anymore. Oh yeah, and I was worried about cleft palate from the lamectal, but when I saw my little baby's face on the 3D ultrasound, everything was fine. I still am, however, a little concerned about the chance of downe's as I opted out of getting the amniocentesis when I got a low positive result on my triple screening test. Everything looks and sounds and feels normal though. I'm pretty darn sure that baby is just fine. If baby does have downe's, that's just something that Brad and I will have to take in stride. We love our little munchkin, no matter what. Abortion was not an option for us (morally) so I guess that's that. God will take care and provide for us.
Anyways, I don't know if I mentioned that there is a chance that I will be induced this Friday. It depends upon the results from my 24 hour urine test (yeah, I had to pee into a jug for 24 hours!!! hahahaha!!! I laughed when they gave me the big orange thing at the biomedical lab). If the urine has too much protein in it, it could be that I have pregnancy induced toxemia. If that's the case, my obgyn will want to get baby out asap. I could be a full fledged mother by Friday! Holy smokes!!! But I guess it's either Friday or a week or two from then anyways. I'm not too worried 'cause I feel fine and we basically have everything ready for baby anyways (the only things we still need are a nice comfy chair for me for feeding, and a good supportive snugly - two items which we can get by without for the first little bit anyways).
But yeah, back to the hypo-mania. It sure is great to type and not look back over everything I just typed thinking, 'boy am I dumb'. It sure is great to have good dreams at night, and it sure is great that I actually have been sleeping (which doesn't fit the classic hypo-mania, but hey, it's better than not sleeping due to bad dreams and dreadful feelings). I don't like, however, my anger as I stated before. I have been blowing up at my husband nightly for the past I think 4 nights. Everything that I have been 'blowing up' about has been valid, but my reactions have not been. It's hard to know if the anger is me with my past, my disorder, the hormones of pregnancy, stress (which has been huge lately; see my previous post if you feel so inclined) or all things combined. I do know, however, that as long as I air my feelings out to people I know care for me, I feel better. I just really hope that my support system is around for when baby arrives. It really depends on when junior decides to make his or her appearance. A lot of my friends are going on holidays in the next few weeks, my in laws live halfway across the country (and my father-in-law is still in a medically induced coma in the ICU at the Ottawa general from what seems to be a rare strain of bacterial meningitis), my best friend is also in hospital, I'm not working anymore and I don't really have a super close connection with anyone at work, my church is supportive, but the attenders all live a city away (I commute about a half hour to get to church 'cause it's totally worth it), My mom works full time and my sister has two kids of her own. And as for Brad, well, his heart is mostly with his father right now, which I TOTALLY understand, but still, it's hard. (I do think that once baby arrives he will be more emotionally available, and he is taking off 2 weeks of holidays as soon as I give birth, so that's good!)
All is not lost! After I told them how worried I was about not having the support I need after baby is born, my mom and sister told me that they are working on getting a support network for me for the first 6 weeks or so post-partum. Whether these people are strangers or not, I don't know, but at this point I don't really care! As long as they are nice and willing to give me a little help I am thrilled! Plus the community health nurse will be visiting me at least once in the first week or so.
Anyways, I think I'm rambling. So much to think about though!!! Race, race, race goes the mind...

So long, no type

Well, it's been a while...again!!! A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks! For one, I'm 6 weeks closer to giving birth! ACK! For two, I'm off work now and kinda bored, believe it or not!
For three, our kitty never came home :( For four, my hubby's dad was in the psych unit at a hospital out in Ontario for panic/anxiety disorder for a couple of weeks. He came home and then 2 days later had to be rushed to the Ottawa general as he picked up bacterial meningitis from his previous hospiutal stay. He's in rough shape, but doctor's believe he'll pull through. And for five, my best friend has been hospitalized in a mood disorder ward. All in all, it's been a bit stressful lately. I have been sooooooo miserable lately too. My poor husband. I fluctuate between absolute paralyzing fear and anxiety, to horrible lashing out in anger, to feeling just dandy, all in a matter of hours. It's really, very draining. I see my counsellor tomorrow. However, I don't feel like it does that much for me, accept to bring up painful crap that makes me sad. Rip that old band-aid right off...nice and slow.
I am enjoying a book right now though. 'An unquiet mind'. It's really quite good and I can relate to most of it (it's an autobiography of a famous psychiatrist with bipolar disorder). I am also read8ing 'pregnancy blues' which goes into detail about the hormonal/neurotransmitter connection with dperession during and after pregnancy. My depression/anxiety has been pretty bad during my pregnancy. I ended up having to increase rather than decrease my paxil. Oh well, what do ya do. Baby seems fine so that's all that matters.
I am bored...and I'm starting to get really aggitated with myself and the fact that I can't type very well and that it takes me a lot longer to type than the average person at my age. I'm being random now...oh well. Whatever. Roar, now I'm in a bad mood.