Sunday, May 27, 2007

What a day

I sit here thinking, pondering over what has just happened. My mind is racing yet standing still. I am exhausted from the tears and the physical pain. I jut want to sleep the sadness away until it is a mere distant memory.

I found out on Thursday that I was pregnant (Brad and I weren't trying). I immediately quit smoking, started researching all about my meds and there contraindications with pregancy (and decreased them accordingly), started researching everything about how to be the healthiest expectant mom out there, booked anapointment with my gp, and finally, by today, I was excited (and past the bitchiness from quitting smoking).
However, after a lot of cramping and spotting, I went to emergency while I was working and wouldn't you know it, found out that I miscarried.

Just as soon as I had accepted it and had started t0 get excited about it, I found out that it was a failed attempt...a spontaneous abortion as they call it in the medical field.

That is all for now. I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully wake up tomorrow morning hardly remembering any of this...oh dare to dream...

Saturday, May 05, 2007

sad

I'm having trouble today...feeling kinda sad and melancholy.

I just went to my work mates bridal shower, and you would think that I would have been happy to be there, but I just put up a good front.

I guess I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. My stepson had to come with me because no one was willing to watch after him...not my mom and dad, not my sister and brother-in-law. They all seem to think that he is the hugest burden of all time. I would like to know how they would feel if they were in my situation and I never helped them! This is not the first time this has happened. I feel very frustrated, especially with my sister's husband, as he's the one that said that to watch after my stepson would just be 'way to stressful' for him. He's this Holier than thou art type of Christian, so it just pisses me off all the more. Now I'm gossiping. Whoops.

I also found out the other day that when I was going through a really rough time in my life (when I was first diagnosed and when things between my stepson's mom and our household were at an all time awful), some of my 'friends' at work were talking about me; saying that my situation was just an excuse to get sloppy with my work. Ouch. I wish the person that told me about those comments never had. She even regretted telling me after, as she could see how much I was hurt by it. (not to mention I became obsessive about asking her 'Who? Who said it? Who???' She didn't tell me.

Now I'm paranoid. Oh great.

Chalexa and I had a good conversation about all this yesterday and she made me feel a lot better...but with me, it doesn't take just one encouraging conversation to get over something. I'll need to vent to approximately 500 people and get their feedback, and even then I will still mull over it for a few months, feeling helpless and let down. Finally, I will come to the realisation and the peace that comes with it that you just can't be everyone's friend. But like I said, it'll probably take a couple months before I get there. That's the usual run of things.

Ho hum.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow as I speak and sing at Marja's church though. That's one thing keeping me going at the moment. So thank you Marja for all that you do. You are an amazing individual. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.

Must go now, hubby will be home soon and then it's dinner time so I'd better get on it.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Sooooooooo Nervous

I wonder if I was feeling manic when I agreed to speak at a church on Sunday about my experiences with BP. I am soooooo nervous and it is not going away. I have been praying all morning for God to take away my fears to no avail. I hope that what I say is helpful to others who suffer, and educational for those who don't. I don't know if I can do it. ACK! If you pray, could you please pray for me? I am all nerves right now...I still have to type out my notes about what I will be saying, so could you please pray for me to have clarity of thought? Also, could you please pray that I am not attacked spiritually in the next few days (I think that I already am being attacked, as I have been having weird dreams and the nerves are at an all time high). Anyways, that's about it. I'm going to go watch 'What not to Wear' now, and then I'll be typing out my notes. Love to all of you. Thanks for your prayers too :) I REALLY appreciate them.
Shebee