Discouragement sucks

I haven't blogged in a while as I always blog when I'm feeling shitty. Therefore, I have been feeling pretty good lately...until today. I know that I shopuld share my joys and sorrows on this thing, but for me, I need an outlet when I feel down or hwen I'm on the low swing of my bipolarness.
Ther are a couple of people that I work with that I feel condemned by. I feel that they don't respect me, and that they are annoyed by me. I am a people pleaser so you can imagine the emotional torment that I'm feeling right now. Ugh.
Why do I care so much? Probaly stems from my childhood. When I was between the ages of 9-12 I was really heavy for my age and got teased quite a lot and scorned by the other girls around me. I think that the insecurites from that time in my life are manifesting. I feel so awkward around strong female personalities. I am angry at them and I feel very vulnerable. I have been really working hard at managing my anger as the Lord has opened my eyes to see the extent of the hurt I've been causing my loved ones. Is He dealing with me about this also? Probably. I hate this journey sometimes. I feel lost and scared. I just want to go home, lie down, and eat some cookies. That's my flesh talking though.

Finally!

Well, I know that being happy about circumstances can lead to disaster, but once in a while it is okay:)
I finally moved past my loss of 20lbs to 25 lbs! Yay! It has been over 2 months since the scale budged (although I had been losing a lot of inches). Anyways, I just wanted to share that tidbit of happy news with you :)
I finally fit into my honeymoon clothes again (it's been 2 years!) Yay!!
Thank you Jesus for your earthle belssings. Please help me tio continue to reach my goal for 80lbs and please keep my heart set on things above, and not just circumstances. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
:)

hmmmmm

Well, here I am again after a long hiatus from my blog. I think because I am soooo honest on this blog, it's kinda like a couselling session. I don't know about the rest of you but soemtimes when I'm done after couselling I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. See, I spent soooo many years denying that I had any problems and thinking that if people knew what was really going on they would either not like me or not believe me. I put up a facade for a LONG time. (at least until the age of 24). I am still not used to talking about my problems and feeling that they are valid. Am I just a whiner? Or did I really go throught the ringer off and on in my life? It's hard to know when your self-esteem is so low.
I know I said in so many words that counselling is not my favortie thing, but I think I will be contacting my human resourses department about the free counselling they provide (I think it's 6 sessions a year). I really need to get back to right thinking and positive believing. I have been a lot better lately, but I can't tell if that's just my facade or not. I am so numb sometimes...it's crazy. I hate false guilt. Did my dad really hurt me or am I just making that up like he says I am? Is my situation with my step-son really all that difficult or am I just weak? These are questions that flood my mind constantly. Do I have a right to be sad? Ugh...
Why can't I think in black and white. Why can't I cast all my cares upon Jesus? I try, but then I reclaim them from Him...
One good thing though...I will be singing again at my new church come September! I am very excited about that. It is a very intimate way that I express myslef to my saviour. I am so thankful that He has given me this new opportunity. Anyways, thanks Mel and Kansas for your comments on my last blog. Mel, I really have a hard time regularly spending tie with God and 'praying without ceasing', but I am gonna try my best and follow your advice...you are right, I really need that in my life.
Kansas, thanks for being such a cool dudette and for relating to me in my posts so well. I just read and commented on your blog (for the first time, I know!) and I think we have a lot of stuff in common. Thanks for your honest cofessions about your life...you make me feel better about my own situation, knowing that someone else struggles with similar feelings and such. Not that I want you to struggle, but you know what I mean (I hope!)
Anyhow, I've gotta go squish some more boobs now (I'm a mammography technologist - not a pervert)
Love to all and thanks for reading.
Shebee

My secret world

This is not the facade I play with friends, at work, facing the world. This is who I am deep inside. This is my secret world where I share things just to get them off my chest. I may sound bleak and depressed...maybe I am, maybe I am having a fleeting emotional outburst...not even I know.

Blech

I find myslef sad today...I am feeling sorry for myself again. I wish I didn't have this illness...I feel like it's not tangible so I have nothing to complain about. I've tried to say to myslef that it is a 'physiological chemical imbalance' but I don't even know if that's true. Maybe the abuse from my past is what triggered it and I am just a weak person...? And even the abuse from my past was a piece of cake compared to some other people's pasts. I went to a different church yesterday and left feeling worse that I had coming in. The worship was great, but the message completely convicted me and made me feel solemn and sorrowful for all of my mistakes. I wast to feel free but can't seem to reach the branch above me to get out of this slimy pit of despair. I am also saddened that one of my good blogging buddies no longer has a blog and I miss her comments and words of encouragement. Sad, sad, sad...is this all there is to my life? I don't want tobe drowning in self-pity all the time...paranoid that people don't like me and are talking about me and my 'problems'...ugh...
Please Jesus, let a new song to come into my heart oh God, heal my wounds and make me who You want me to be. Amen

How great is our God

Self Pity

First off, thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and you prayers. They were very much felt and appreciated. I just want to let you know however, that I was feeling hopeless, but like I said in my poem, I can't rely on feelings. I hold on to the scripture that one of you sent to me from the book of Isaiah "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (40:31) - thankyou for that Mel.
Still I do feel 'faint'. I'm just so sad and frustrated. I know I'm in a depressed state. But I will ride it out. I will be ok. I hate bathing myself in self-pity, so it's only a matter of time before I give it up. I just pray that I will not feel overwhelmed with everyday tasks, such as work, cleaning, making dinner...etc.
I am going to try and sleep now. I love this community and I thank all of you for your support and prayers.
Goodnight.
Shebee

hopeless

It all seems very hopeless
tears run down my cheeks
sorrow rears it's ugly head
It's been this way for weeks

When will the suffering end my Lord
I know that you are real
but in the midst of all this strife
Your love is hard to feel

I feel so sick inside my soul
From it I cannot hide
In my heart I know you're with me
In my head you're hard to find

I feel so utterlly hopeless
this I can't deny
but I can't rely on feelings
or I'd bid myself to die

Dear Jesus, please help me through this awful, hatred-filled mess. I am so tired of hating. I am so tired of being bitter. I am so tired of feeling misunderstood. I am so tired of advice that crushes my soul. Please God...bring peace to my tormented spirit.

Stressful days

I am feeling a bit better, thanks to all that commented on my latest (and most depressing) blog. I still feel the underlying sadness, but I have taken steps to overcome it. I was mad at my husband for numerous reasons, so I talked to him, found out he was equally mad at me for numerous reasons as well, and we hashed it out. Then we decided (after we had cooled our tempers and had made up) to go for a 'date' on Tuesday. That was step one. Step two was eating healthier again. I have been exercising, but I haven't been eating for weight loss lately. Yesterday and today I have done well (so far). I have begun to try quitting smoking again (yes, I started again, but not without EXTREME conviction in my heart)...I have the patch on as we speak. I have been praying more again, which always helps.
Still I have a deep rooted sadness. Most of it stems from my troubled step-son, I just can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel on that one. He is SO troubled. His 'other' family is evil, absolutely evil. I just don't feel like I can take it anymore...I'm at such a loss as to what to do with him. Half of me wants to hang in there, the other half of me just wants to give up and move out for a while. I wouldn't want to separate from my husband, but I can't handle my step-son, I just can't take him and his crazy family anymore. I really need God's help. I really need support. I really need God's grace to help me to love him beyond human comprehension, even though he bullies other children and hits us, etc.
I'm at a loss...

Dying Inside

My heart aches...my soul aches...I'm so pissed off right now...I hate my life...I hate this disease...
I hate everything. I am sooooooooo low...what is wrong with m y medications??? I am so sick and tired of being up, then down, up then down...I hate this..I am so sad and I want to die...I pray for death...please God, take me from this disgusting and horrible life...I hate me...

Coming out of the shadows

I am feeling better, thank you to all of you who encouraged me with my loss last weekend. Amazingly, I felt better by Tuesday. Usually, when I was more unstable, it would have taken me at least a week before I could even come back to work after a situation llike that. This time, I only needed one day off to regroup and recoup. Of coarse it still saddens me, but I know a lot of ladies who have been through the same thing as me and they have gone on to have healthy children. And hey, it got me to quit smoking and to take better care of myself...that is a miracle in and of itself. It also helped me to take the plunge and (with my physicians guidance) decrease my paxil and clonazepam, as they are potentially harmful to a fetus, even at the low dosages I am on.



As for this week, it has been up and down. I have been rather grouchy and quick tempered with my husband and step-son. Whether it has anything to do with my paxil/clonazepam decrease and stressful weekend, I'm thinking probably. I have just been feeling an overall frustration and a haziness in my head. My tummy has been in mini knots too...not completely unbearable knots, just mini ones.



As for my day...well, it started out wonderful. I finally went back to Marja's church (where I spoke and sung with Chalexa a few weeks back). Before I got to church, however, my car over-heated, so I ended up being 15 minutes late. I knew that the devil didn't want me going to a church that I really felt comfortable in, so I just pressed on and made sure I got there (after a quick trip to the gas station to buy some coolant). My perseverance payed off and I had a wonderful time at church. I felt a little awkward at first but then Marja found me and sat with me (thanks again for that Marja :) you're great!) I also made a big decision today too; I decided to start tithing again. I have been meaning to for years, but meaning to and doing are completely different things. I feel so satisfied that I obeyed God. I don't think that I have really 'obeyed' him for a long time. I have done things out of guilt and pressure, but not out of a longing to please my creator. All in all, it was a very positive experience and I will be returning with hubby in arm next Sunday.



After church I went to the gym and had a great workout: 45 minutes of intense cardio (it's great for my heart, my weight loss, and my mental health! I'm down 18 lbs by the way!) and 20 minutes of weight training and abs.



Then I got home and got ready to go out to my Dad's birthday party at my parents' house.



When we left, this was when things changed. My step-son began being extremely rude to both myself and his father, and it was pressing on my last nerve. I felt the anger bubbling up, so I turned on the music and pretended everything was hunky dory (ignoring his verbal jabs and huffing) and eventually he fell asleep. Peace at last...? Well, we then went to the mall to get my dad something for his birthday and that actually went quite smoothly, as I just flew into future shop and bought him a gift card. fewf. Next stop was the liquor store to buy him a 6 pack of his favorite beer (for those of you who read my blog and are from anywhere other than Canada, we don't have alcohol for sale in our grocery stores). Well, this is where it gets tense. We go to the liquor store, and what do ya know, it's closed down. Well, then we remember that there is another one across town...we go there - that one has since closed down too!!! There was someone there, however, to let us know that there was a new liquor store kitty corner to where we had just driven from!!!

By this time my tummy was grumbling and I was getting annoyed. So we decided to pick up some appetizers and a card for my dad at the grocery store. Well, we got our stuff (all the while my step-son woke up and began being very rude to us again) and headed out to the car. We then drove to the parking lot across the street to get to the new liquor store. I checked my purse. I checked it again. My bank card was gone. I checked my back pockets...nothing. I checked the car. Nothing. Brad and I figured that I had left it at the grocery store, so back we went across the street to the grocery store parking lot. I parked in a no parking zone and jumped out while Brad and my step-son stayed in the car. The lady at the register, unfortunately, did not have my bank card (to my frustration! That was the last place I used it, so naturally it would be there...no?) Well, then I came out to the car in a huff, flipping out that I couldn't find my bank card. I started searching everywhere I could think of, and at one point I guess my butt was sticking too far out of the car while I was frantically looking for my card under the seat, and some guy in a big truck honked at me (I was in a no parking zone, after all). I stood up, rolled my eyes in frustration,(not necessarily at him but at the situation at hand), and then he proceeded to cuss at me. I didn't care though, my bank card was missing!!! Well, the guy from the truck passed by us on his way into the grocery store and he cussed me out again! This time I didn't hear it, but Brad did. Have I ever mentioned that when my husband is stressed out, he can become an absolute maniac? Well, because of his son's rudeness, he was stressed. He immediately cussed back at the guy and ran into the store after him! Shortly thereafter he came back out and said, "Let's go...NOW!!!" Well, I didn't know what had happened in there and frankly, at that moment I didn't care. I was determined to find my bank card in the store! So, against my husbands wishes, I went into the store, and wouldn't you know it, all the managers were out and about, looking around for my husband so they could call the cops on him! I quickly retraced my steps to see if I had dropped my bank card on the floor anywhere and then I took off and jumped in the car, sped away and spazzed at Brad for whatever he had done. I found out after that Brad had just spoke to the man to defend my honour, but when he kept cussing at Brad, Brad decided to 'belly-check' him, almost knocking the cussing man to the ground!!! "What the heck is going on????" Is what I was thinking.



Then I remembered...I went to a wonderful service at church and I tithed 10% of our earnings for the week. I had obeyed God twice in the same instance. The devil was NOT happy with me. So, instead of completely spazzing out, I calmly called my bank to cancel my card, and then drove to my parents house. I did light up a cigarette, which was not a good thing, but I figured after that moment, I needed one (or at least me flesh did). Brad, my step-son and I then went on to have a fine evening, and now everything seems to be ok. I am still stressed that the police may end up knocking on our door because of Brad's temper...but what can you do? What's done is done, I can't change it.



Anyways, that was my day. Could you that pray please pray for protection for Brad, my step-son and I? That would be awesome. Thanks.



Shebee

What a day

I sit here thinking, pondering over what has just happened. My mind is racing yet standing still. I am exhausted from the tears and the physical pain. I jut want to sleep the sadness away until it is a mere distant memory.

I found out on Thursday that I was pregnant (Brad and I weren't trying). I immediately quit smoking, started researching all about my meds and there contraindications with pregancy (and decreased them accordingly), started researching everything about how to be the healthiest expectant mom out there, booked anapointment with my gp, and finally, by today, I was excited (and past the bitchiness from quitting smoking).
However, after a lot of cramping and spotting, I went to emergency while I was working and wouldn't you know it, found out that I miscarried.

Just as soon as I had accepted it and had started t0 get excited about it, I found out that it was a failed attempt...a spontaneous abortion as they call it in the medical field.

That is all for now. I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully wake up tomorrow morning hardly remembering any of this...oh dare to dream...

sad

I'm having trouble today...feeling kinda sad and melancholy.

I just went to my work mates bridal shower, and you would think that I would have been happy to be there, but I just put up a good front.

I guess I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. My stepson had to come with me because no one was willing to watch after him...not my mom and dad, not my sister and brother-in-law. They all seem to think that he is the hugest burden of all time. I would like to know how they would feel if they were in my situation and I never helped them! This is not the first time this has happened. I feel very frustrated, especially with my sister's husband, as he's the one that said that to watch after my stepson would just be 'way to stressful' for him. He's this Holier than thou art type of Christian, so it just pisses me off all the more. Now I'm gossiping. Whoops.

I also found out the other day that when I was going through a really rough time in my life (when I was first diagnosed and when things between my stepson's mom and our household were at an all time awful), some of my 'friends' at work were talking about me; saying that my situation was just an excuse to get sloppy with my work. Ouch. I wish the person that told me about those comments never had. She even regretted telling me after, as she could see how much I was hurt by it. (not to mention I became obsessive about asking her 'Who? Who said it? Who???' She didn't tell me.

Now I'm paranoid. Oh great.

Chalexa and I had a good conversation about all this yesterday and she made me feel a lot better...but with me, it doesn't take just one encouraging conversation to get over something. I'll need to vent to approximately 500 people and get their feedback, and even then I will still mull over it for a few months, feeling helpless and let down. Finally, I will come to the realisation and the peace that comes with it that you just can't be everyone's friend. But like I said, it'll probably take a couple months before I get there. That's the usual run of things.

Ho hum.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow as I speak and sing at Marja's church though. That's one thing keeping me going at the moment. So thank you Marja for all that you do. You are an amazing individual. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.

Must go now, hubby will be home soon and then it's dinner time so I'd better get on it.

Sooooooooo Nervous

I wonder if I was feeling manic when I agreed to speak at a church on Sunday about my experiences with BP. I am soooooo nervous and it is not going away. I have been praying all morning for God to take away my fears to no avail. I hope that what I say is helpful to others who suffer, and educational for those who don't. I don't know if I can do it. ACK! If you pray, could you please pray for me? I am all nerves right now...I still have to type out my notes about what I will be saying, so could you please pray for me to have clarity of thought? Also, could you please pray that I am not attacked spiritually in the next few days (I think that I already am being attacked, as I have been having weird dreams and the nerves are at an all time high). Anyways, that's about it. I'm going to go watch 'What not to Wear' now, and then I'll be typing out my notes. Love to all of you. Thanks for your prayers too :) I REALLY appreciate them.
Shebee

Will he ever love me the way I want him to?

I've been thinking a lot about the emotional and physical abuse I suffered when I was a child. Is it what caused my mental illness? Is it my fault that I was abused? Am I a bad person? Was I a bad child? Jesus reminds me that it was my fathers pain that caused him to harm my sister, my mother and I. He was, himself, abused as a child, possibly far worse than we ever were. Does that excuse his behaviour? This question always comes up for me.
He never left physical marks (except for once, when I was 21 years old), so I felt that I had no way of proving his misbeahvior to others. Plus, if I had told someone, the chance of them taking my sister and I away and putting us in foster care was a possibility. I didn't want that either.
The phrase, "I didn't have it that bad", always haunts me. It's what causes me to think that I'm a weak and needy person; that others had it way worse than I did so what right do I have to complain; that I'm just being selfish and pitiful. I know these things aren't true...?

This pain I feel is usually dorment (due to my stuffing anger down, pretending everything is just great and/or doubting myself)...however, on Friday I went to support group (finally, for the first time in months) and a lot of my hurt came up. I am still in extreme pain over it all.
I want to cry, I want to share with others freely to gain their insight, but the guilt of betraying my father keeps me in chains.
My father has changed a lot, so it is hard to remember (and painful to remember) how things used to be. Again, the guilt of betraying him surfaces.
The fact that he denies all of it doesn't help either.

All the hope I can hold on to comes from God the Father, my real Father, who never left or forsook me.

The pain I have been through has shaped me into who I am I suppose.
I just feel so pulled apart - feeling anger, shame, guilt, and the peace that only comes from Jesus - all at the same time. I just hope and pray that I can put this behind me for real, and become a whole person, healed by Christ, once and for all. Will it ever happen Lord? Please let it happen...

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I have been feeling frustrated with this blog, as once I found it helpful, but now I find it somehow burdensome. I believe it's because I live on guilt. If I don't blog, I feel guilty. If I do blog, I feel self-centred/guilty. If I don't respond to/read other people's blogs, I feel guilty.
So, I'm sorry to all that I haven't visited your blogs...I feel overwhelmed by the amount of comments I want to leave, so I end up not even commenting...not even reading.
I feel very out of touch with the bipolar community. You are all so creative...and then there is me. I also haven't been able to go to my support group for the past 3 months and I feel it. (Yes Marja, I do want to be there!)
Anyway, that is how I've been feeling, but, as my favorite preacher states - you can't live on feelings alone. I've gotta work on that.

Thank you all

I just want to say thank you to all of you who responded to my previous blog excerpt. I was feeling especially rotten that week and it took me until now to get up enough stamina to blog again.
I am doing okay. Just okay though. I spent way too much money yesterday and now my hubby and I will have no money for food, gas, etc. for the rest of the week because of my stupidity. I haven't binged like that for a while. I guess it was simmering...shit. We do, however, have enough for rent, and I guess that's what's most important.
Last night I went out with my friends from work and I got totally blitzed. I think I was having a manic day as I was spending money and drinking like it was going out of style. I feel so bad. My husband is going to kill me.
I have to get back to work now...and boy is it fun to be at work with a massive hangover...blah.
Feeling ever so sheepish and dumb,
Shebee

Not good enough

I am not good enough. Never have been, never will be.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.

Argh!

Today I worked with someone that really rubs me the wrong way. The thing is, I have no idea why I don't like her. Everyone else seems to love her. Maybe I'm jealous? Maybe I'm intimidated by her? She's a very perky little thing and normally I like perky people. But not her. I don't get it.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.

Things are looking up

Well it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. I am NOT pregnant. Turns out I had food poisoning.

Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.

The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!

Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.

Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.

But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.

I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.

I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.

Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.

Shebee

Uh oh...

This morning I woke up feeling like there was something wrong in the pit of my stomach. But when I was in the shower and brushing my teeth, I started throwing up like crazy. I
am a bit concerned about this as I haven't felt better yet and it is now1030am (my 'episode' happened at 7am). I can't eat, I can't smoke (actually that's a good thing!), I can barely drink coffee, but I seem to be okay with water. Plain jane water.
I wonder if this is a result of my deciding to increase my dosage of lamotrigine. I'm going to go back down to my alotted amount tonight. Hopefully that will help my nausea...?
The other scenario is that I'm pregnant. I don't think this is the case as Brad and I have been pretty careful, but you never know, do you?
Anyways, I may end up going home from work early if this nausea keeps up.
Break's over, gotta go.
Shebee

Do I need a stress leave?

I am so upset right now. I was supposed to be at work at 7:45am, but thought that I was to be at work for 8:20am. I even called at 7:45am (because I couldn't find my keys!) and told them I would be a bit late for the 8:20 shift. The girl I spoke with at work was busy when she took the call, and she said, "okay, that's fine", instead of looking at the shift board and telling me that I was actually scheduled for the earlier shift.
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.

Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.

That was yesterday.

Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.

Shebee

What is up with me???

Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. Today I spent a bunch of money we don't have on new clothes, (they do make me feel a bit better though), and now I totally can't sleep. Marja, you are right. I do need to see my doc and get on top of this. I am so low, then so high, then so low again. Rapid cycle city.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.

I feel a bit better now...

This post is dedicated to dream writer. I just read your comment on my last blog and then went on to read your posts. They made me feel much better, and I even laughed out loud at your 'Tom Cat' post (especially he youtube thing). Thank you so much for the love you give to others. You truly are a kind person, and those are rare to find. Thank you for making me feel better when I was in a TOTAL rutt. I still don't feel 100%, but I sure do feel better. Lots of love to you!
Shebee

Warning, do not read if you are in a good mood

I am so overwhelmed.

I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.

Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.

Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)

I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!

Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).

My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.

I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.

Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)

What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?

Where are you God?

Moving is stressful!!

Hey all,
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee

MADtv - S12E08 - Bobby Lee as a North Korean Scientist

This is my sense of humour all the way..I'm a little nutty

How do I...?

This is just a quick question that I forgot to ask in my last post. Do you guys and gals know how to add a video or song to this blog? I have tried numerous times and can't figure it out at all!!! If you do know, could you give me a step-by-step list of instructions? Oh and I am on the new kind of blogger, just so ya know. Thanks all.
Shebee

Fewf...sort of

Well, it turns out that the seller on eBay and I worked things out in a kind manner - I e-mailed her back with an apology and she responded back with an apology herself! Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts :)

I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.

Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.

As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.

I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.

Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)

Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee

Please forgive me God...

I have done something so dishonest and terrible that I am having a very hard time with it.
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee

It's been a while...

Well, I am still alive. For the last month or so I have been really down, so I apologise for my hibernation. I did see my gp and she increased my dosage of lamotrigine to 250mg. It has actually really helped (so far - it's been 5 days). My mind is clearer, I have more motivation, and I am performing a lot better at work. I am pretty excited about the progress.
However, last night I had a manic moment and flipped out at my husband and step-son. I then went on to bawl my head off and apologise profusely. Everything turned out okay, but still, I hate it when that happens. I guess my sub-conscious hadn't let go of it yet either because last night I had a horrible nightmare that my husband and I split up. I woke this morning to tell him that I had a nightmare about him and I, and that I loved him, and then I fell back asleep. I eventually stirred at around 11:30, feeling rather bummed out. I feel better now that I have accomplished some things today though (laundry, dishes, etc).
I have been really down about my weight lately...however, I'm hardly doing anything about it. I am taking 'slim-quick' pills, but that's it. No exercise, hardly any fruit and vegetables, etc. I have also been majorly over-eating for comfort again. For example, last night, I went through the McDonald's drive thru and ordered a Big-Mac meal and a McChicken sandwich. I pulled the car over to a secluded area and (secretively - in my mind anyways), I scarfed them both down in a matter of 10 minutes. I then proceeded to chow down on the fries which took me another 5 minutes. Later that night when I had gotten home and was almost ready for bed, I also had a huge bowl of rice with tons of margarine and soy sauce. I went to sleep shortly after that. Talk about self-sabotage. I know I have an over-eating problem - it's how I used to cope with the abuse in my home growing up. When things get stressful, that's where I turn first. Then it's other self-sabotaging things, which I won't get into as they are very personal (maybe one day I will talk about them on here).
Another big thing on my heart at the moment is my step-son. Could you all please pray for him as we move into our new, bigger place in February? I'm worried about him as he gets so easily anxious about any type of change that comes his way. Also, and more importantly, is that his mother's criminal trial for child abduction is coming up, and he happens to be with her that week. (Believe it or not, Canada's laws placed him back into her care 50% of the time, even after the atrocious things she did to him: dressing him up like a girl to conceal him, hiding him out in abandoned houses and cars, teaching him to be afraid of surveillance cameras and the police, telling him that his father - my husband - is a murderer and a pedophile, etc., etc., etc.). We are concerned for his well-being during this confusing time. We are also concerned about the talk that may be happening at his other residence in regards to the trial. They have lied to him a lot when it looked like they were the 'bad guys', and I don't see this situation being any different. They have him almost completely fooled that we are the 'mean people' that took him away from his 'happy' (secluded and abnormal) life in Albuquerque, NM. (Where he had barely any schooling and no contact with other children - no wonder he hates school and has literally no friends.) So much drama for such a little guy. Why God, why?
Well, that's my update. I apologise that I haven't commented on your blogs as of recent...I get myself into a rut of guilt sometimes, thinking that I'm a bad and very self-absorbed person for not commenting, which leads me to seclude myself even more...sorry guys...

Shelly

It wasn't so bad after all

Well, I worked both of my days off and to tell you the truth...it wasn't so bad after all of my moaning and whining about it. Besides, I got overtime for both shifts because I didn't know about them until the day before. That sure does pay the bills! And one of my coworkers decided to take my Saturday shift so that at least I had one day to recooperate (even though all I did was vegetate in front of the tv/computer).
Now I'm sitting here on my break at work again. Ho hum. I still can't seem to completely escape the paranoia that my manager thinks I'm a crappy worker. However, he did ask me to do a more challenging case. Wow. What a miracle. I think I need some couselling on the subject.

People, I really don't want to smoke anymore. It's so disgusting, and really, the only good reason I started was not because of stress, (as I have stated in previous posts), but because I am a sheep and I followed my husband's acts. I feel so unindiviual. Not to mention I feel guilt because I am a Christian and I shouldn't be smoking. How did I ever start? I used to think it was the most disgusting habit on earth. I vehemently opposed Brad's smoking, saying to him that he had to quit before we got married, or else. Well, we've been married now for almost two years, and about a year and a half of that has been occupied by me smoking!!! Barf-o-ramma. I feel so weak and gross everytime I have one. What gives? Well, the upside is that I've only had 2 today, ususally it would have been 4 by this time, so I am trying at least a little.

I had to miss my bipolar support group last week and it has really been felt. I really need to connect with those that are in the same boat as me. That's why this is such a great place for me (and obviously you guys and gals) to blab all of my crapola.

Anyways, breakie is over and I must go. Thanks for reading :)

Fear and Loathing in Surrey

Well, I'm at work and I am sooooo excited that I get two days off. Problem is that I have already been offered a shift for Friday (which I turned down), and now my fellow mammographer just said that she' feeling really sick and will probably call in for tomorrow, and I am the only other mammographer available (there's three of us in the department; one is on holidays).
ACK! I want my two days off!!! I am soooo tired. I am also soooo overwhelmed by the fact that I may have to work tomorrow. I just don't feel 'well' emotionally. I need my two days to re coop. But I am the only one...they'll have to cancel appointments and possibly life saving breast surgeries if I don't come in. Whatever.

I'm feeling really behemoth. I was getting in better shape before I got my wallet stolen from the gym I go to. I think I acted out in rebellion against the thief as I haven't been back since. Problem is I sabotaged myself.
I wanted my two days off to get myself back into the swing of things (exercise wise).

I probably sound like a whiny baby. Oh well, I am whining. We're all entitled to whine once in a while. (I probably whine more than I should but right now I don't care).
Argh.
I guess I have to go...break's over.
Shebee