I just want to say thank you to all of you who responded to my previous blog excerpt. I was feeling especially rotten that week and it took me until now to get up enough stamina to blog again.
I am doing okay. Just okay though. I spent way too much money yesterday and now my hubby and I will have no money for food, gas, etc. for the rest of the week because of my stupidity. I haven't binged like that for a while. I guess it was simmering...shit. We do, however, have enough for rent, and I guess that's what's most important.
Last night I went out with my friends from work and I got totally blitzed. I think I was having a manic day as I was spending money and drinking like it was going out of style. I feel so bad. My husband is going to kill me.
I have to get back to work now...and boy is it fun to be at work with a massive hangover...blah.
Feeling ever so sheepish and dumb,
Shebee
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Not good enough
I am not good enough. Never have been, never will be.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.
I just erased a paragraph of this blog because I figured that it wasn't 'good' enough. I feel like such a loser. I can't even be myself on an anonymous blog. What a loser. I've been having a lot of negative thoughts as of recent (as if you haven't noticed). I'm not doing this to get attention. I genuinely feel like shit. If anyone cares, cool. If not, oh well.
I don't think I have time for this blog anymore. I suck no matter where I go. I hate me very much.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Argh!
Today I worked with someone that really rubs me the wrong way. The thing is, I have no idea why I don't like her. Everyone else seems to love her. Maybe I'm jealous? Maybe I'm intimidated by her? She's a very perky little thing and normally I like perky people. But not her. I don't get it.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.
I was, once again, listening to Joyce Meyer and she said in a telebroadcast that sometimes we don't like people because they remind us too much of ourselves. (That would make sense since I don't like myself, why I wouldn't like her). Another point that Joyce raised was that God puts people in our lives that we don't like or don't get along with to test us. That would make sense too.
Apart from that my day was fairly uneventful. I'm just bummed out. Maybe depression is rearing it's ugly head again...who knows. Blah.
On my break I was talking to a friend about getting absolutely smashed next weekend at a pub night for our students. Good christian ehtic, hey? She doesn't even know that I'm a christian either. Maybe it's better that way since all I talk to her about is how much I hate certain people and alcohol consumption.
On a somewhat good note, my step son's mother has pled guilty to her crimial charge of child abduction. Finally some justice! She'll probably do about 3 months of jail time, but that's about it. Good enough for me! As long as she get some form of punishment for what she did to my step son. I swear that he is going to end up to be either a junky or a very suicidal individual if God does not intervene after all the shit she put him through. But that's another story.
Whoever is reading this, if you pray, could you please pray for me? I really need it rigth about now. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry, and cry, and cry.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Things are looking up
Well it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. I am NOT pregnant. Turns out I had food poisoning.
Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.
The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.
Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.
But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.
I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.
I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.
Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.
Shebee
Things have been pretty up and down lately, and the down times have been what has caused me to stop blogging and to stop socializing almost altogether. I get into a funk sometimes when I'm feeling depressed. The thoughts that 'nobody loves me' and 'why bother' flood my mind. I need to try to reach out more when I'm in that state. It's something I have to work on, slowly but surely.
The last few days have been pretty good though. I made it to work on time all week (for me that's a miracle). I've been setting up our new place and that has been cool, as we are making it our own (that last place we were in was 500 square feet for 3 people...yikes). Almost all of our wedding presents have been in storage for nearly 2 years due to a lack of space, and now we are able to utilize them. It feels like Christmas!
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good too. I have been listening to podcasts from Joyce Meyer's ministry, and I've been more focused on being at peace with myself. It's amazing what that can do for your soul.
Another thing that I've gotten out of her podcasts has been that I have a tendecy not to celebrate anything because I'll just get my hopes up and then be let down. I want to be able to express joy without feeling like "Oh great, now that I've said it out loud, something bad is going to happen to me or my family". I didn't realise how negative my thinking was until I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she preached on the subject. It's been a bit sobering, but it's good. God convicts, not condemns, and lately I have been feeling the conviction, rather than the condemnation that I know oh so well.
But still, I can't shake the belief that if Satan can see or hear my positivity, he will be right there, waiting in the shadows to devour me. I have had so many dissapointments in my life that I can't seem to get rid of that thought. But like I said above, I am working on it.
I am also trying to be joyful in ALL circumstances, like it states in James 1. Obviously, when it's a chemical thing, I can't really control the negativity in my head as much as I'd like to, but I believe that a lot of my emotional probelms have come from the negative experiences that I have had. Saying that, I am hoping to work them out with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, so that, by His grace, I may be saved from all this sadness. I realise that I have been diagnosed with BP II, but I have to wonder if my condition would greatly improve if I could just start switching the negative tapes around in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up though, as I know that mental illness runs in my family, and that it's not just circumstantial.
I know, I know, I just typed that I wanted to stop saying "I don't want to get my hopes up", but I do want to be realistic too.
Anyways, that's all the time I have to type.
Shebee
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Uh oh...
This morning I woke up feeling like there was something wrong in the pit of my stomach. But when I was in the shower and brushing my teeth, I started throwing up like crazy. I
am a bit concerned about this as I haven't felt better yet and it is now1030am (my 'episode' happened at 7am). I can't eat, I can't smoke (actually that's a good thing!), I can barely drink coffee, but I seem to be okay with water. Plain jane water.
I wonder if this is a result of my deciding to increase my dosage of lamotrigine. I'm going to go back down to my alotted amount tonight. Hopefully that will help my nausea...?
The other scenario is that I'm pregnant. I don't think this is the case as Brad and I have been pretty careful, but you never know, do you?
Anyways, I may end up going home from work early if this nausea keeps up.
Break's over, gotta go.
Shebee
am a bit concerned about this as I haven't felt better yet and it is now1030am (my 'episode' happened at 7am). I can't eat, I can't smoke (actually that's a good thing!), I can barely drink coffee, but I seem to be okay with water. Plain jane water.
I wonder if this is a result of my deciding to increase my dosage of lamotrigine. I'm going to go back down to my alotted amount tonight. Hopefully that will help my nausea...?
The other scenario is that I'm pregnant. I don't think this is the case as Brad and I have been pretty careful, but you never know, do you?
Anyways, I may end up going home from work early if this nausea keeps up.
Break's over, gotta go.
Shebee
Monday, February 19, 2007
Do I need a stress leave?
I am so upset right now. I was supposed to be at work at 7:45am, but thought that I was to be at work for 8:20am. I even called at 7:45am (because I couldn't find my keys!) and told them I would be a bit late for the 8:20 shift. The girl I spoke with at work was busy when she took the call, and she said, "okay, that's fine", instead of looking at the shift board and telling me that I was actually scheduled for the earlier shift.
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.
Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.
That was yesterday.
Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.
Shebee
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.
Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.
That was yesterday.
Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.
Shebee
Saturday, February 17, 2007
What is up with me???
Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. Today I spent a bunch of money we don't have on new clothes, (they do make me feel a bit better though), and now I totally can't sleep. Marja, you are right. I do need to see my doc and get on top of this. I am so low, then so high, then so low again. Rapid cycle city.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I feel a bit better now...
This post is dedicated to dream writer. I just read your comment on my last blog and then went on to read your posts. They made me feel much better, and I even laughed out loud at your 'Tom Cat' post (especially he youtube thing). Thank you so much for the love you give to others. You truly are a kind person, and those are rare to find. Thank you for making me feel better when I was in a TOTAL rutt. I still don't feel 100%, but I sure do feel better. Lots of love to you!
Shebee
Shebee
Warning, do not read if you are in a good mood
I am so overwhelmed.
I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.
Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.
Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)
I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!
Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).
My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.
I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.
Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)
What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
Where are you God?
I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.
Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.
Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)
I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!
Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).
My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.
I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.
Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)
What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
Where are you God?
Friday, February 09, 2007
Moving is stressful!!
Hey all,
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
MADtv - S12E08 - Bobby Lee as a North Korean Scientist
This is my sense of humour all the way..I'm a little nutty
How do I...?
This is just a quick question that I forgot to ask in my last post. Do you guys and gals know how to add a video or song to this blog? I have tried numerous times and can't figure it out at all!!! If you do know, could you give me a step-by-step list of instructions? Oh and I am on the new kind of blogger, just so ya know. Thanks all.
Shebee
Shebee
Fewf...sort of
Well, it turns out that the seller on eBay and I worked things out in a kind manner - I e-mailed her back with an apology and she responded back with an apology herself! Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts :)
I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.
Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.
As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.
Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)
Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee
I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.
Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.
As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.
Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)
Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Please forgive me God...
I have done something so dishonest and terrible that I am having a very hard time with it.
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee
Thursday, January 25, 2007
It's been a while...
Well, I am still alive. For the last month or so I have been really down, so I apologise for my hibernation. I did see my gp and she increased my dosage of lamotrigine to 250mg. It has actually really helped (so far - it's been 5 days). My mind is clearer, I have more motivation, and I am performing a lot better at work. I am pretty excited about the progress.
However, last night I had a manic moment and flipped out at my husband and step-son. I then went on to bawl my head off and apologise profusely. Everything turned out okay, but still, I hate it when that happens. I guess my sub-conscious hadn't let go of it yet either because last night I had a horrible nightmare that my husband and I split up. I woke this morning to tell him that I had a nightmare about him and I, and that I loved him, and then I fell back asleep. I eventually stirred at around 11:30, feeling rather bummed out. I feel better now that I have accomplished some things today though (laundry, dishes, etc).
I have been really down about my weight lately...however, I'm hardly doing anything about it. I am taking 'slim-quick' pills, but that's it. No exercise, hardly any fruit and vegetables, etc. I have also been majorly over-eating for comfort again. For example, last night, I went through the McDonald's drive thru and ordered a Big-Mac meal and a McChicken sandwich. I pulled the car over to a secluded area and (secretively - in my mind anyways), I scarfed them both down in a matter of 10 minutes. I then proceeded to chow down on the fries which took me another 5 minutes. Later that night when I had gotten home and was almost ready for bed, I also had a huge bowl of rice with tons of margarine and soy sauce. I went to sleep shortly after that. Talk about self-sabotage. I know I have an over-eating problem - it's how I used to cope with the abuse in my home growing up. When things get stressful, that's where I turn first. Then it's other self-sabotaging things, which I won't get into as they are very personal (maybe one day I will talk about them on here).
Another big thing on my heart at the moment is my step-son. Could you all please pray for him as we move into our new, bigger place in February? I'm worried about him as he gets so easily anxious about any type of change that comes his way. Also, and more importantly, is that his mother's criminal trial for child abduction is coming up, and he happens to be with her that week. (Believe it or not, Canada's laws placed him back into her care 50% of the time, even after the atrocious things she did to him: dressing him up like a girl to conceal him, hiding him out in abandoned houses and cars, teaching him to be afraid of surveillance cameras and the police, telling him that his father - my husband - is a murderer and a pedophile, etc., etc., etc.). We are concerned for his well-being during this confusing time. We are also concerned about the talk that may be happening at his other residence in regards to the trial. They have lied to him a lot when it looked like they were the 'bad guys', and I don't see this situation being any different. They have him almost completely fooled that we are the 'mean people' that took him away from his 'happy' (secluded and abnormal) life in Albuquerque, NM. (Where he had barely any schooling and no contact with other children - no wonder he hates school and has literally no friends.) So much drama for such a little guy. Why God, why?
Well, that's my update. I apologise that I haven't commented on your blogs as of recent...I get myself into a rut of guilt sometimes, thinking that I'm a bad and very self-absorbed person for not commenting, which leads me to seclude myself even more...sorry guys...
Shelly
However, last night I had a manic moment and flipped out at my husband and step-son. I then went on to bawl my head off and apologise profusely. Everything turned out okay, but still, I hate it when that happens. I guess my sub-conscious hadn't let go of it yet either because last night I had a horrible nightmare that my husband and I split up. I woke this morning to tell him that I had a nightmare about him and I, and that I loved him, and then I fell back asleep. I eventually stirred at around 11:30, feeling rather bummed out. I feel better now that I have accomplished some things today though (laundry, dishes, etc).
I have been really down about my weight lately...however, I'm hardly doing anything about it. I am taking 'slim-quick' pills, but that's it. No exercise, hardly any fruit and vegetables, etc. I have also been majorly over-eating for comfort again. For example, last night, I went through the McDonald's drive thru and ordered a Big-Mac meal and a McChicken sandwich. I pulled the car over to a secluded area and (secretively - in my mind anyways), I scarfed them both down in a matter of 10 minutes. I then proceeded to chow down on the fries which took me another 5 minutes. Later that night when I had gotten home and was almost ready for bed, I also had a huge bowl of rice with tons of margarine and soy sauce. I went to sleep shortly after that. Talk about self-sabotage. I know I have an over-eating problem - it's how I used to cope with the abuse in my home growing up. When things get stressful, that's where I turn first. Then it's other self-sabotaging things, which I won't get into as they are very personal (maybe one day I will talk about them on here).
Another big thing on my heart at the moment is my step-son. Could you all please pray for him as we move into our new, bigger place in February? I'm worried about him as he gets so easily anxious about any type of change that comes his way. Also, and more importantly, is that his mother's criminal trial for child abduction is coming up, and he happens to be with her that week. (Believe it or not, Canada's laws placed him back into her care 50% of the time, even after the atrocious things she did to him: dressing him up like a girl to conceal him, hiding him out in abandoned houses and cars, teaching him to be afraid of surveillance cameras and the police, telling him that his father - my husband - is a murderer and a pedophile, etc., etc., etc.). We are concerned for his well-being during this confusing time. We are also concerned about the talk that may be happening at his other residence in regards to the trial. They have lied to him a lot when it looked like they were the 'bad guys', and I don't see this situation being any different. They have him almost completely fooled that we are the 'mean people' that took him away from his 'happy' (secluded and abnormal) life in Albuquerque, NM. (Where he had barely any schooling and no contact with other children - no wonder he hates school and has literally no friends.) So much drama for such a little guy. Why God, why?
Well, that's my update. I apologise that I haven't commented on your blogs as of recent...I get myself into a rut of guilt sometimes, thinking that I'm a bad and very self-absorbed person for not commenting, which leads me to seclude myself even more...sorry guys...
Shelly
Monday, January 08, 2007
It wasn't so bad after all
Well, I worked both of my days off and to tell you the truth...it wasn't so bad after all of my moaning and whining about it. Besides, I got overtime for both shifts because I didn't know about them until the day before. That sure does pay the bills! And one of my coworkers decided to take my Saturday shift so that at least I had one day to recooperate (even though all I did was vegetate in front of the tv/computer).
Now I'm sitting here on my break at work again. Ho hum. I still can't seem to completely escape the paranoia that my manager thinks I'm a crappy worker. However, he did ask me to do a more challenging case. Wow. What a miracle. I think I need some couselling on the subject.
People, I really don't want to smoke anymore. It's so disgusting, and really, the only good reason I started was not because of stress, (as I have stated in previous posts), but because I am a sheep and I followed my husband's acts. I feel so unindiviual. Not to mention I feel guilt because I am a Christian and I shouldn't be smoking. How did I ever start? I used to think it was the most disgusting habit on earth. I vehemently opposed Brad's smoking, saying to him that he had to quit before we got married, or else. Well, we've been married now for almost two years, and about a year and a half of that has been occupied by me smoking!!! Barf-o-ramma. I feel so weak and gross everytime I have one. What gives? Well, the upside is that I've only had 2 today, ususally it would have been 4 by this time, so I am trying at least a little.
I had to miss my bipolar support group last week and it has really been felt. I really need to connect with those that are in the same boat as me. That's why this is such a great place for me (and obviously you guys and gals) to blab all of my crapola.
Anyways, breakie is over and I must go. Thanks for reading :)
Now I'm sitting here on my break at work again. Ho hum. I still can't seem to completely escape the paranoia that my manager thinks I'm a crappy worker. However, he did ask me to do a more challenging case. Wow. What a miracle. I think I need some couselling on the subject.
People, I really don't want to smoke anymore. It's so disgusting, and really, the only good reason I started was not because of stress, (as I have stated in previous posts), but because I am a sheep and I followed my husband's acts. I feel so unindiviual. Not to mention I feel guilt because I am a Christian and I shouldn't be smoking. How did I ever start? I used to think it was the most disgusting habit on earth. I vehemently opposed Brad's smoking, saying to him that he had to quit before we got married, or else. Well, we've been married now for almost two years, and about a year and a half of that has been occupied by me smoking!!! Barf-o-ramma. I feel so weak and gross everytime I have one. What gives? Well, the upside is that I've only had 2 today, ususally it would have been 4 by this time, so I am trying at least a little.
I had to miss my bipolar support group last week and it has really been felt. I really need to connect with those that are in the same boat as me. That's why this is such a great place for me (and obviously you guys and gals) to blab all of my crapola.
Anyways, breakie is over and I must go. Thanks for reading :)
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Fear and Loathing in Surrey
Well, I'm at work and I am sooooo excited that I get two days off. Problem is that I have already been offered a shift for Friday (which I turned down), and now my fellow mammographer just said that she' feeling really sick and will probably call in for tomorrow, and I am the only other mammographer available (there's three of us in the department; one is on holidays).
ACK! I want my two days off!!! I am soooo tired. I am also soooo overwhelmed by the fact that I may have to work tomorrow. I just don't feel 'well' emotionally. I need my two days to re coop. But I am the only one...they'll have to cancel appointments and possibly life saving breast surgeries if I don't come in. Whatever.
I'm feeling really behemoth. I was getting in better shape before I got my wallet stolen from the gym I go to. I think I acted out in rebellion against the thief as I haven't been back since. Problem is I sabotaged myself.
I wanted my two days off to get myself back into the swing of things (exercise wise).
I probably sound like a whiny baby. Oh well, I am whining. We're all entitled to whine once in a while. (I probably whine more than I should but right now I don't care).
Argh.
I guess I have to go...break's over.
Shebee
ACK! I want my two days off!!! I am soooo tired. I am also soooo overwhelmed by the fact that I may have to work tomorrow. I just don't feel 'well' emotionally. I need my two days to re coop. But I am the only one...they'll have to cancel appointments and possibly life saving breast surgeries if I don't come in. Whatever.
I'm feeling really behemoth. I was getting in better shape before I got my wallet stolen from the gym I go to. I think I acted out in rebellion against the thief as I haven't been back since. Problem is I sabotaged myself.
I wanted my two days off to get myself back into the swing of things (exercise wise).
I probably sound like a whiny baby. Oh well, I am whining. We're all entitled to whine once in a while. (I probably whine more than I should but right now I don't care).
Argh.
I guess I have to go...break's over.
Shebee
Friday, December 29, 2006
Foggy
Today is weird.
I feel really self-conscious about my work skills. I'm super tired. I can't think of the proper words to say (even in they are easy words). My cases are taking forever it seems.
This all leads me to believe that I am a total disaster. Am I good at anything at all? I don't excell at anything. I feel like such a dork.
I just want to be fulfilled. Happy about my career. Not self-conscious all the time.
I guess I just really feel crappy today. I can't wait to go home and sleep. I have 2 days off!!! I was even offered a shift for Saturday, but I said no. No way...I need a bit of a break.
Speaking of break, mine is over. I'll write more later.
Shebee
I feel really self-conscious about my work skills. I'm super tired. I can't think of the proper words to say (even in they are easy words). My cases are taking forever it seems.
This all leads me to believe that I am a total disaster. Am I good at anything at all? I don't excell at anything. I feel like such a dork.
I just want to be fulfilled. Happy about my career. Not self-conscious all the time.
I guess I just really feel crappy today. I can't wait to go home and sleep. I have 2 days off!!! I was even offered a shift for Saturday, but I said no. No way...I need a bit of a break.
Speaking of break, mine is over. I'll write more later.
Shebee
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Last night, after all the commotion
Last night while we were just dozing off to sleep, my husband asked me a question about God.
"People struggle with sin all the time. Do they really need to confess it every time, or are they just wasting their time? Jesus died on the cross for us for our past, present and future sins, didn't He?"
Well, I was amazed to hear myself speak. I, biblically, answered all of his questions without the bat of an eyelash.
This is a miracle to me, as I thought I was so 'back-slidden' that I had no clue why I still kept my faith.
Mu husband thanked me and said that I 'cleared it up' for him. I felt such a peace wave over me. The Holy Spirit came upon me and I was even able to sort through a few things in my head (people that I 'hate', I was able to forgive, I made some peace with myself, etc).
Maybe my calling isn't being an X-ray tech at all (see my last post). Maybe I do need to go back to school and become a teacher/worship leader, or something else that involves spreading the Good News of our Lord.
Maybe I'm just speaking out of my rear end right now...? But I do feel encouraged. Hmmm.
I have gone over this thought process before, and I just let the dream fade. I tend to be a realist when it comes to my profession ("I can't quit! The money's good and it's secure!")
But I know that I am not satisfied with my current line of work. Even subconsciously, I am consistently late, I lose my focus easily, I take longer breaks than expected without even meaning to, and when I think of going to work, it is not with a sense of pride. More a sense of...well, I guess, dread is the best word I can think of. Still, it's the people that I work with that keep me going back. Most of them are awesome, and so fun to be around. But there lies my problem again. I am such a 'chatty kathy' people person that I get myself into trouble (glares and 'shushes' from the management, etc.).I feel that I will always be the 'black sheep' in my line of work.
Don't get me wrong, I am competent, I consistently get good images, and I am great with my clients. Still though, that is not enough to get me out of the hole that I've dug for myself. There is no passion in me for what I do...I feel as though I am called to greater things. Holy crap. I am nearly 30 years old and I still have no idea what's going on with my life. Could you pray for me, my friends, that I find a purpose?
Well, I've now lost my train of thought because my stomach has suddenly started to growl. I guess it is lunch time.
love to all of you,
Shebee
"People struggle with sin all the time. Do they really need to confess it every time, or are they just wasting their time? Jesus died on the cross for us for our past, present and future sins, didn't He?"
Well, I was amazed to hear myself speak. I, biblically, answered all of his questions without the bat of an eyelash.
This is a miracle to me, as I thought I was so 'back-slidden' that I had no clue why I still kept my faith.
Mu husband thanked me and said that I 'cleared it up' for him. I felt such a peace wave over me. The Holy Spirit came upon me and I was even able to sort through a few things in my head (people that I 'hate', I was able to forgive, I made some peace with myself, etc).
Maybe my calling isn't being an X-ray tech at all (see my last post). Maybe I do need to go back to school and become a teacher/worship leader, or something else that involves spreading the Good News of our Lord.
Maybe I'm just speaking out of my rear end right now...? But I do feel encouraged. Hmmm.
I have gone over this thought process before, and I just let the dream fade. I tend to be a realist when it comes to my profession ("I can't quit! The money's good and it's secure!")
But I know that I am not satisfied with my current line of work. Even subconsciously, I am consistently late, I lose my focus easily, I take longer breaks than expected without even meaning to, and when I think of going to work, it is not with a sense of pride. More a sense of...well, I guess, dread is the best word I can think of. Still, it's the people that I work with that keep me going back. Most of them are awesome, and so fun to be around. But there lies my problem again. I am such a 'chatty kathy' people person that I get myself into trouble (glares and 'shushes' from the management, etc.).I feel that I will always be the 'black sheep' in my line of work.
Don't get me wrong, I am competent, I consistently get good images, and I am great with my clients. Still though, that is not enough to get me out of the hole that I've dug for myself. There is no passion in me for what I do...I feel as though I am called to greater things. Holy crap. I am nearly 30 years old and I still have no idea what's going on with my life. Could you pray for me, my friends, that I find a purpose?
Well, I've now lost my train of thought because my stomach has suddenly started to growl. I guess it is lunch time.
love to all of you,
Shebee
Monday, December 25, 2006
I need a career counsellor
Well, I thought working on Christmas day would be kinda fun...I've done it before and it's always been okay. Not today though. It is so busy and I'm working with someone who is the 'eyes and ears' of the management. I feel like she's watching my every move. She keeps saying stuff to me that someone would say to a student of my profession. In turn, I feel like an idiot. If it wasn't for this stupid illness I would be fine! I hate this....I am sooooo angry.
I need a new career, something more 'helping people' oriented. I help people in my job, but I don't get to have a lot of time with them. I really do need a career counsellor.
I feel, yet again, so humbled. Be careful what you pray for.
Feeling like a butt head,
Shebee
I need a new career, something more 'helping people' oriented. I help people in my job, but I don't get to have a lot of time with them. I really do need a career counsellor.
I feel, yet again, so humbled. Be careful what you pray for.
Feeling like a butt head,
Shebee
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