Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.
I want to clarify:
- I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
- I am grateful to have found a good man
- I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
- I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
- I am grateful for my job
- I am grateful to be a Christian
- I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy
However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.
7 comments:
((hugs)). Thanks for the comment on my blog... I see you have one too! I hope I'm not overstepping by posting. I also don't really klnow much about this, but all these thoughts are from my heart. :)
My dear, you have so much on your plate. First, you are dealing with the normal anxiety a new mother goes through. Second, you have your other challenge. Third, you have a hubby acting like a typical male. (He will never 'get it').
God know you are thankful. That's so important. Dealing with the hormones of pregnancy, not to mention your symptoms are a challenge not many of us are strong enough to face. But you are. You got this far.... I don't know what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I know it's not an easy road. I admire your strenth. You have a kind will and a strong heart. You will get through this, I know it.
And if you ever need to talk, or need someone to watch the baby for a few hours so you can sit in hte sun or relax for a couple hours, let me know. Even if you just need some adult company. :)
I wish you a smooth labour. You have so many joys coming your way! Good luck!
xo
Em
So many typos ;) I'm tired.
Hey sweetie,
You know what, you are under and ENORMOUS amount of stress, your body is so totally out of whack and like "what the heck are you doing to me!" and it sounds like you're just having a really hard time in general. Brad doesn't understand, naturally, cuz he's a guy. Guys never understand womanly stuff! After my last pass I didn't think it went all that well and he said to the nurse "yeah i think it went ok" I was like " do you know what that means in nursing language???" They are just clueless at times. Hang in there sweetie. You will get through this and when baby arrives you may look back and say, "wow, it was totally worth it."
Hi Shebee,
You do not know me but I read your comments on PJ's blog. I am also a Christian with bipolar disorder and seeking to live a meaningful life by God's grace.
My heart goes out to you upon reading what you are going through. I just want you to know that I said a prayer for you and will continue to remember you in prayers. The hormonal changes during pregnancy is really not easy to deal with. I pray God will comfort and strengthen you as you look to Him each day. Tell Him all your pains and struggles and cast them all on Him for He loves you dearly (Jeremiah 31:3).
I pray your husband will be more understanding and God will provide supportive people in your time of need. I am glad you can write and express your feelings, and find support and encouragement from your fellow bloggers.
I am especially thankful to read of your grateful heart despite the great difficulties you are going through. That makes it all the more admirable and pleasing to God. I wish you a smooth delivery and joyful motherhood. In time of distress, remember that God and we love you.
With hugs and prayers
from a sinner saved by grace,
Nancie
Hi Shebee, How are you? You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
Shebee,
I came across your blog and wanted to say hello. My name is Iri Amirav and I am a co-founder at iMedix. iMedix is a website that helps hundreds of thousands of patients every month and we’ve recently decided to form a Support Group for Bipolar patients: http://www.imedix.com/Bipolar
I am looking for leaders who will be interested to start and manage this group with me and thought you might be a good person to speak with about finding patients in need. I would love to speak with you and tell you more about who we are and what we are trying to accomplish.
Please feel free to contact me by email. In addition, you can find me on the iMedix website under the nickname irus.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best,
Iri
irus.imedix@gmail.com
I am sorry that you are going through a rough patch. I suffer from bipolar as well and sometimes I don't know how my husband deals with me on a daily basis. He is far more understanding and patient than I am. I have found a lot of great ways to deal with my bipolar symptoms at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. I hope it is helpful for other bipolar patients out there.
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