Just tired of all of this...

Thanks Marja and Chalexa for your words of advice and encouragement. They do mean a lot to me. I'm just tired of the struggle is all...I feel like a salmon swimming upstream, permanently.
My life seems like such a mess!!! How did this all happen? I really don't know if my hubby takes this all as seriously as it really is...he is a very stubborn guy; very bull-headed. I talked to him through tears last night and he seemed to be respopnsive, to a point, (he was half-asleep), but who really knows...
I know that God is taking care of all of this as we speak, but I am still so very confused about what Brad and I need to do in order for God's plan to unravel...I really don't agree with people who just sit there and say "God will take care of me, I don't need to do anything"...He gave us reason and common sense so that we could use it. I don 't mean any offense in saying that, but it is how I feel.
I beleive we're going to have to talk to a specialized lawyer about all of this junk...and soon. I just want to be happy again...truly happy...but I know with our condition, that ain't gonna happen until I'm on the proper cocktail of meds and things in my life settle down.
However, on a positive note now, I am very thankful for this blog...and thankful for people like you, Marja and Chalexa, who seem to truly care. And thanks to both of you too for encouraging me to blog more (even though it took a while because of my stubborness). It really has helped, even in the midst of suicidal thoughts and manic delerium. Anyhow...my clonazepam has kicked in, an my tears have dried for the time being (thank God for modern medicine).
Love Shebee

No one takes care of me...

Ever since I was little...even being in an abusive home...noone took care of me...
now, my husband and I face probable bankruptcy...again...he doesn't take care of me as I always thought my husband would...I had to support him for a year and a half...and for what...so we could have shitty credit for 7 years? I'm so scared...
I feel so alone

I feel like dung

I did so well yesterday with my eating and excersizing...and then, last night I was totally hypo-manic: cleaning like a feand, unable to settle down, trying to forget about my 'business' with tv (which didn't work) and then finally, eating almost everything I could get my hands on. I was sooooo tempted to do the whole bulemic thing (I struggled mildly with that a couple of years back), but I managed to control myself. But all my hard work...for what??? Just to pig out that night? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I set myself up for failure? What has made me hate myself so much that I have to sabotage everything that is good for me??? F*%K!!! I am sooooo angry!!! Now starts the sadness...oh shit...
Sorry guys, I'm too emotional to contuinue...please pray for me...I feel so hopeless, completely hopeless...I hate this bullshit. Sorry about all the swearing.
Shebee

Thanks muchly

Jane, Marja, and Chalexa; thankyou for your kind, encouraging words. I am feeling better, thankyou. And you are right, Marja, my thoughts and emotions are everywhere lately (eg: angry to bawling to hyper to depressed in a matter of a day) and that's conducive to a life that just isn't boring at all. Now I have something exciting to blog about.
In the last two days, by the Grace of God, a miracle has happened. I'm actually starting to accept my condition. To those of you who know me, you know how amazing this is. And I took your advice , Marja, and really talked to my husband about how my bipolar-ness can present itself, and he seems ot be starting to understand. I also told him about the book you suggested, Chalexa ('How to Love Someone With Bi-polar') and he is open to reading it. Also, in my own way, I'm becoming more real about my disorder with my step-son, and we seem to be getting closer as a result of it. (Now that's a miracle!)
This is all a very big deal in my life. A lot of it has to do with attemtping to place my disorder into The Father's Hands. He is giving me a peace and understanding, as well as the ability to begin to completely accept my condition (as I stated before). I am truly grateful for so many things...including this blog (God bless all of you).
Wow, I just read through this and it seems that I'm in a happy, excited state...hopefully it's for real and not just a 'moment' in my rapid cycle.
I must go now...step-son is antsy to get his video-game time in. Thanyou all, again.
Love Shebee

What's going on????

Yesterday, I was angry at the world...today, I am terrified. I'm afraid that I have to go back to work tomorrow; petrified that I'm singing in a choir this Christmas and don't know the songs yet and don't think that my voice is good enough; horrifed about leaving the house in this big 'fat suit' (my word for having a lot of extra weight)...please God, help me...
I can't relate very well with one of my best friends...she's just so petite and lady-like - I feel like a complete oager compared to her...
My thoughts are so random, I know...I really wish that support group was tomorrow (btw Marja, thanks soooo much for puttting that together).
I am so afraid, so lonely, so isolated...
I am going down in my paxil and up in my lamotirigine...maybe that's why I'm all over the map.
I just need God's Peace right now...
Good night.
Shebee

okay okay...

I actually do have a few good souls who really do listen to me...but I'm still very frustrated that the majority of the people I know really don't give a flying f$%k how I'm doing, just as long as they can completely dump their bad day in my lap. Am I really just made for this? Did God just say "and here is (my name), bearer of all gossip sessions and the master of ear lending." DO I MATTER? IF NOT, WHAT'S THE POINT???
I am soooo angry right now that I could fling this laptop across the cafe and run from the building screaming obsenities and bawling my eyes out...what the HELL is going on??? Am I just having a hypomanic moment or am I genuinely angry and fed up with being a pushover? Whatever...good night.

Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally Frustrated

As you can see by the title, I'm really in no mood to be reckoned with...I'm at my wits end. Have you ever felt like nobody gives a shit about you? Even family and friends, who are supposed to ask you how your day went and actually listen to the response? I feel like a bloody sound board!!! "This is my problem with this...that is my problem with that..." How about, "hey Shebee, can I unload something to you, and then you can talk to me about how you're doing?" I'm naturally an idealist, but I must change my ways on this one; don't expect that EVER to happen!!! I'm so angry with all the STUPID CLUELESS #$%HOLES out there who can't even get their heads out of their asses to see that they aren't being circled by the solar system!!!! I apologise for my potty mouth...actually, no, I don't. There are no other words to really describe the anger I have towards the people that I speak of at the moment! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...