This morning I woke up feeling like there was something wrong in the pit of my stomach. But when I was in the shower and brushing my teeth, I started throwing up like crazy. I
am a bit concerned about this as I haven't felt better yet and it is now1030am (my 'episode' happened at 7am). I can't eat, I can't smoke (actually that's a good thing!), I can barely drink coffee, but I seem to be okay with water. Plain jane water.
I wonder if this is a result of my deciding to increase my dosage of lamotrigine. I'm going to go back down to my alotted amount tonight. Hopefully that will help my nausea...?
The other scenario is that I'm pregnant. I don't think this is the case as Brad and I have been pretty careful, but you never know, do you?
Anyways, I may end up going home from work early if this nausea keeps up.
Break's over, gotta go.
Shebee
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Do I need a stress leave?
I am so upset right now. I was supposed to be at work at 7:45am, but thought that I was to be at work for 8:20am. I even called at 7:45am (because I couldn't find my keys!) and told them I would be a bit late for the 8:20 shift. The girl I spoke with at work was busy when she took the call, and she said, "okay, that's fine", instead of looking at the shift board and telling me that I was actually scheduled for the earlier shift.
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.
Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.
That was yesterday.
Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.
Shebee
When I got to work, I was abruptly told by one of the senior techs about my error. She looked down her nose at me and said "you know that you were supposed to be here at 7:45 don't you? It was on the schedule. Fill out the time-in book as soon as possible."
The thing is, my boss just told me on Thursday of last week that my shift had been changed. I totally forgot. I have a daytimer and everything. I just completely forgot.
Somedays I think I should take a mental-health sick leave, but I know that would create more stress, as we wouldn't have much money coming in.
But honestly, I am so sick and tired of forgetting, not being able to emotionally seperate home and work, not being consistent in my quality of work, etc. I'm sure it's quite frustrating for my boss as well.
"Wow, Shelly's really improved in her performance...oh, wait a second, she just screwed up again..." is what I imagine her to be thinking, as it seems to be a cycle with me. Maybe because I'm a rapid cycler, I'm good at work when I'm manic, and bad when I'm depressed...? Could be.
I haven't been sleeping well either, which doesn't help anything. (I've been having a really hard time falling asleep, and once it's time to get up, I can barely drag my butt out of bed and into the bathroom on time to get ready).
Tonight we have my step-son coming back to us after 3 long weeks away at his mom's. I'm a little stressed about that, as he's always a handfull when he comes back from his mom's. Plus, when I'm not feeling all that well (bipolar-wise), my step-son and I don't mix very well. This is how it usually goes: I get irritable about the littlest of things - he calls me a nag - I blow up - he blows up - I start to bawl - he feels bad and says sorry - I say sorry while still bawling. There you go. That's the usual run of things.
That was yesterday.
Today I feel much more well rested as I satyed at the new place. I had some time to myself. I took it upon myself to increase my dosage of Lamotrigine by 50mg as I know that if I went to the doctors office, she would have done that for me anyways. (I know, I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm seeing her on Thursday and telling her about it!) I did some laundry, put some boxes away, set my coffee maker on program and then I crawled into bed. I watched 'Heroes' on TV at 10pm, and then I fell asleep and slept like a baby. It was so nice to wake up to fresh brewed coffee and a shower (if I haven't mentioned it before, our old place only has a bath!). It felt like I was at a hotel, all by myself. On the drive in to work I listened to some Joyce Meyer sermons. They were really uplifting. So thank you very much for your prayers. For today, this day, I am content.
Shebee
Saturday, February 17, 2007
What is up with me???
Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. Today I spent a bunch of money we don't have on new clothes, (they do make me feel a bit better though), and now I totally can't sleep. Marja, you are right. I do need to see my doc and get on top of this. I am so low, then so high, then so low again. Rapid cycle city.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.
I feel like bawling right now but can't. I am trying to distract myself with TV, but it's not working. I am so restless and bothered right now. I feel like I could bust out of my own skin! I just want to go crazy with a pillow or some old dishes and just rip/break them to bits. I know that I'm not alone on this matter. I'm so genuinely thankful for all of you people who correspond with me through this blog. Without you, I would be so much more of a mess than I feel like I already am.
I am looking into over-eaters anonymous. I think, with my history, it may be the only way I can get a grip on my obsession with food. When I visited the website, I immediately felt relieved that I wasn't alone and that there is help for people like me. I know that I sound like I think of myself as some sort of mutant...but it's how I view myself. It's how I've viewed myself for a long, long time. I am short waisted, small breasted (for my size), big bellied, big eared, weird teethed, pale skinned...the list goes on and on. I wish I could accept myself. It would make life a hell of a lot easier...whatever.
Anyways, I'm beginning to feel tired (yay!) so I should go. Love to all of you.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I feel a bit better now...
This post is dedicated to dream writer. I just read your comment on my last blog and then went on to read your posts. They made me feel much better, and I even laughed out loud at your 'Tom Cat' post (especially he youtube thing). Thank you so much for the love you give to others. You truly are a kind person, and those are rare to find. Thank you for making me feel better when I was in a TOTAL rutt. I still don't feel 100%, but I sure do feel better. Lots of love to you!
Shebee
Shebee
Warning, do not read if you are in a good mood
I am so overwhelmed.
I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.
Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.
Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)
I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!
Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).
My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.
I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.
Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)
What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
Where are you God?
I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now and just when I thought I was getting better, yesterday I felt really ill again. I took today off work even though I have NO sick time left in my sick bank. I feel like such a bad employee. My boss is old school and believes that no one should ever have a sick day in their entire career so I must be a complete failure to her.
Also, the work association I belong to (The BC association of medical radiation technologists) has not issued me my membership card yet, even though I needed to have it by today (so that my boss would not decrease my wages to a qualified but not registered status). I have e-mailed them asking them to fax the image of the card to her, but have not received a response.
Moving has come to a complete stand still as we have no shelving or storage for ANYTHING and I did not realise this until we actually took the place. Brad and I have been frantically trying to build shelving and storage units from Ikea and Home Depot, but we only have so much money and don't want to spend a ton on a rental unit. This is on top of painting, packing and moving in itself. My sister-in-law is also moving in with us and has not helped us out one bit (except for painting her room, of coarse!)
I have creditors calling me up the yin yang and I can't tell them for sure that payments can be made as Brad and I are broke!
Last night we had a meeting with my step-son's school and we were informed that, after much psychological testing, he has some severe learning disabilities associated with memory and processing, and he has ADHD (which makes a ton of sense but his mother insists on him not being treated with medication, which we were told would cause a huge struggle for him with social issues and learning).
My weight is at an all time high and I DO NOT want to do anything about it as I know I'll fail at it. I KNOW I will as I have a sickness with food. I am a constant over-eater. I can't help myself. There is no plan or magic pill that will ever help me with my weight until I can find a way of not having an addiction to food. I may lose the weight but I will always gain it back until I figure out how to conquer this demon.
I am supposed to be this wonderful, love-giving, hope-filling Christian woman and I am definitely not her. I am a horrible representative of what a Christian should be. I don't sing anymore, I swear, I smoke, and lately I love getting drunk.
Yes, I feel like a failure...again...(I'm sure you're all so sick of hearing me say that)
What's the point of life? I am so hopeless and feel so helpless. I hate my life and want to end it so badly, but there are so many implications associated with it that it overwhelms me even more. There is no rest, no peace, no comfort, no love...I am supposed to be a &%$*ing Christian!!! What the hell is wrong with me?
Where are you God?
Friday, February 09, 2007
Moving is stressful!!
Hey all,
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee
Well, last night Brad and I were painting the new place (an undertaking I wish we had started earlier by at least a week) and boy were we bickering! Moving AND painting at the same time are not conducive to a romantic evening. We apologised to each other later on, which was good, because at least we recognized that we were both in the wrong.
I am still very stressed out about the whole pay pal/eBay thing...whatever. I just have to focus on good things...right? Lately it just hasn't worked to calm me down...the best thing for me lately to take the stress edge off is to pop a clonazepam and eat something fattening...ugh. I wish I had some way to stop my compulsive eating. I eat when I'm hungry, not hungry, tired, bored, stressed, sad, lonely, happy...I eat ALL the time.
I know it has a lot to do with my childhood and growing up in a very stressful and dysfunctional home...I always turned to food back then, so I guess old habits die hard.
Anyways, it's just a quick blurb today as my break is over.
For those of you that pray, could you please pray for our: finances, move, painting, stress levels? It would be so much appreciated and felt. Love to you all.
Shebee
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
MADtv - S12E08 - Bobby Lee as a North Korean Scientist
This is my sense of humour all the way..I'm a little nutty
How do I...?
This is just a quick question that I forgot to ask in my last post. Do you guys and gals know how to add a video or song to this blog? I have tried numerous times and can't figure it out at all!!! If you do know, could you give me a step-by-step list of instructions? Oh and I am on the new kind of blogger, just so ya know. Thanks all.
Shebee
Shebee
Fewf...sort of
Well, it turns out that the seller on eBay and I worked things out in a kind manner - I e-mailed her back with an apology and she responded back with an apology herself! Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts :)
I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.
Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.
As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.
Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)
Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee
I am still stressed about the money thing, as I still have to fork out the over $600 bill, but then the seller is going to refund my money, minus the $40 that it cost her to post the item on eBay...the only thing now is making sure that I have that $600 in the bank by the 12th of Feb. Oh God, please let my parents help me out...? Doubt it, but hey, praying never hurt anyone.
Here's a good thing now though (I know I whine and gripe mostly on this thing so this is nice hey?)!!! I found a queen sized, brand new, Serta bed on eBay for $300 (plus shipping). It would have cost me about $1200 to buy it at the store, so I am totally stoked! It will arrive at my parents house in about 2 weeks time! So thanks to all who prayed for a smooth move for me too. Now we just need to find a whole bunch of storage devices for the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms, as the place we are moving into doesn't have as much storage as we originally thought it did. Oh well, c'est la vie.
As for how I am doing emotionally...well...I am stressed about finances and my weight, but I don't really feel manic or depressed, but just blah. I am sick, so that doesn't help anything, but hey, I took 2 days off of work to recover, so I should be in tip top shape by my shift on Friday.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on my last 'in despair' post...they were very much appreciated and warmly felt.
Anyhow, I love all of you, and thank you for your support. We're all in this together, aren't we. It's so nice to be somewhere where I know I can truly be myself and not be judged. (Thanks again Marja for holding 'the living room' every two weeks - that's another place that I feel this way - I so wish I could make it this Friday!)
Hugs and blessings to all,
Shebee
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Please forgive me God...
I have done something so dishonest and terrible that I am having a very hard time with it.
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee
I went on eBay to see if I could find any furniture for our new place and I bid on something that I didn't realise was so expensive with shipping/customs. I ended up winning it and I guess I was being manic because I ended up paying for it on pay pal. When I realised what I had done I sent a stop payment notice to pay pal, stating that my step-son got a hold of my account number and that he bid on it without my knowing (big FAT lie). Well, pay pal and the seller didn't believe me, (serves me right), and now I'm stuck with a $600.00 kitchen table and chairs which I cannot afford. To make matters worse, I went manic on the seller and freaked out at her via e-mail. I even took the Lord's name in vain while expressing myself to her. She e-mailed me back saying that I was a liar, a bad parent if I wasn't lying, and a total mess, as well as a blasphemer. I don't blame her. What the hell got into me? I am such a bad person.
Please God, forgive me for lying to get out of things that I didn't think through in the first place. Please forgive me for being a rotten Christian and a bad role model to those around me. Please forgive me for the stinging words I used towards this innocent lady. Please help Brad and I financially so that we can afford this large bill coming our way. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Could you guys please pray for me that my manic-ness and dishonesty don't get in the way of my relationship with God? Could you also pray that we would be okay financially after my costly mistake? And could you all please forgive me for not being a very good example of the faith?
Another thing on my mind is that I have basically stopped reading "A purpose driven life" after I signed my commitment to reading it every day on the first page. It feels like I never complete anything that I set out to conquer. Is this part of my condition, or am I just flawed character-wise? I am feeling so low.
I thank you all though, for being so beautiful to me, and for purveying the love of God so well.
Love you all,
Shebee
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