I was doing so well...

I was doing fine today...I feel good, the sun is shining, I've eaten healthy so far. Then I get a call. It's my step-son's psychotic mother (really, she's extremely scary). My step-son has a doctor's appointment tomorrow (which is fine), but her and her underaged boyfriend want to go too. I HATE seeing them.
You see, she actually abducted my step-son for 2 1/2 years, so he's only been in my life for 2 years (he's 8 1/2). She is extremely manipulative and delusional...she really does believe her own lies. She's done horrible things to my step-son, (including dressing him up like a girl to conceal his identity), but he adores her. It's a very frustrating part of my life, and it makes me feel so helpless and depressed.
So tomorrow I have to see them. My tummy is in knots. I feel like bawling...ACK!!!
If anyone has any light to shed, please do...and please pray for me (if you believe in prayer, ofcoarse...heck, even if you don't! I need as much as I can get!)
Helpless Shebee

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp

Reaching out for what I can't quite grasp
Besides talking to a couple of good friends, today I feel...well...'meh'...do you get what I mean? Work was stressful this week and I'm really tired and feeling soooooo lethargic. I don't think I even have enough energy to put my clean laundry away. What's with me??? I hate it, because I am so unorganized and messy all the time. It's a metaphor for my life I guess:(
My husband and I are fighting at the moment. I can't tell if I harped on him because of my bipolar-ness, or if it's really legitimate and I have a right to be mad. It seems, in my mind, that he hasn't been very appreciative of me lately. He constantly whines about picking me up from the transit station (which he hardly ever does, even when it's dark). He still hasn't gotten me my birthday present either (even though my birthday was in June and he promised me a day at the spa, a night out on the town, and an ipod nano. Maybe he feels overhwelmed because he promised me so much??? So why wouldn't he talk to me about it??? I just feel very neglected...and it hurts, because my dad used to do the same thing (either neglect me or scream at me/physically hurt me). Not that Brad lays his hands on me in a hurtful way, but I feel as though all he ever wants from me is food or sex. The rest of the time he seems to ignore me. I'm sure I'm not looking at the whole picture, but I am hurt. And last night I let him have it, and I said some extremely mean things. Things that could have killed his spirit...why do I do that? Maybe because I'm turning into my father? God help me if I am...
Sad Shebee

This is my Sassy. I miss her soooooo much. Throughout some of my mood disorer, she represented pure, unconditional love to me...I miss her so much...

No, she hasn't passed away...she lives with my parents as I can't have her in my basement suite. She is happy there, and that is the one thing that keeps me from bawling when I wish she was here to cuddle with me. I wish people like my landlord understood how much pets can soothe the wounded soul, and how if they are maintained properly, they aren't a huge mess. One day, I hope, I can have her living under my roof again. I guess I'm a pessimist as I don't think that'll ever happen...she's getting old, her hearing is going and so is her eyesight.

I miss her soooooo much.

I know I haven't posted for about a month and a half. I was feeling great for a while so I didn't think I needed to blog. Then I got deporessed, so I didn't feel like blogging. Then I felt great again and...well...you get the drift. I am in a depressed state again, which I hate. I feel so unconfident; so fat; so ugly etc.

Over this whole time I have been figuring out what has been going on with my mental health, I gained about 60lbs. I have never been this big, so I feel as though I am in a suit of sorts. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I try not to think about it and I try to wear clothes to hide certain areas...but only I know the truth of my revolt towards my body...

I apologise if this posting seems like a big pity party...as a matter of fact, it is...

I'm just so sad...

Well laqdies and gents, my laundry's done now so I must go...take care and God's belssings to all.

Shebee

My week

Well, I am really starting to notice a difference since I've been put on what I think is the proper medication for my condition. I have my down days/moments, but they are fewer and farther between as compared to before (somebody please knock on wood for me!!!)
My pdoc is slowly decreasing my Paxil (I was on 50mg, now I'm on 30mg) and she is increasing my Lamotrigine to 200mg/day (right now I'm at 75mg/day). I switch things up bi-weekly (up in Lamotrigine by 25mg and/or down in paxil by 10mg). She is wanting me to be completely off of Paxil by the time I am at 125mg of Lamotrigine/day...I really hope that the transition goes smoothly. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to be completely off of SSRI's, as I have been on them for so long. But hey, she's the one who has a doctorate in psychiatry, not me. I guess I just have a hard time trusting anybody with my brain, since I have been mis-diagnosed about 3 times now.
Anyhow, I've gotta get back to work now...please comment if you feel like you've been in the same boat...I could use the encouragement right about now:)
Thanks,
Shebee

Morose and wallowing

I haven't been able to get away from the thick fog that surrounds my head today...my dear friend has been trying to cheer me up, but to no avail...normally she can, but not today. Roar!!! I just had to vent. Very tired...must drive home and then go to sleep.
Shebee

Feeling sick...

I'm just typing a real quick note. I feel so sick...I don't understand this...I shouldn't have the flu again!!! I just pray and hope that I'm not pregnant. My hubby and I are not ready for that phase in our lives...plus I'm on so many different meds that I can't even begin to think of the withdrawl process! I hope that it's just a passing thing and that tomorrow I will feel aok again...but it has been happenign for about a week now...ugh. Anyhow, my break at work is over..must go and take care of people again...
Shebee

Ho Hum

I have run out of seroquel...this is not good, as my hubby and I have no money until tomorrow, and I need the seroquel to help me sleep at night. I also use it to keep me calm during the day, kind of as a PRN. Well, I haven't had any of it all day and I don't have any for tonight or tomorrow during the day! Argh! I feel like s&*t.
I'm tired of this up-hill battle...when does life get enjoyable again? Or does it ever? I just want to hide under a rock and cry...and cry...and cry some more until all that's left is a big puddle with a couple of eyeballs floating.
I know, I'm having a pity party...I'm just so sick of being sad, broke, angry, and tired. Life really does suck sometimes.
Whatever...

Night shifts...ugh

I'm on my 2nd night shift...My gp, pdoc and a good friend in the know tell me that night shifts aren't the best thing for people with BP. I felt it today for sure. I was sooooo depressed and irritable. I am just so tired...ofcoarse it's busy tonite too. My work doesn't understand 'mental illness' though...I'll have to just suck it up, or get into a new career.

On my way here, I was listening to some Cindy Morgan...it was the song "I will be free". The words gave me comfort so maybe it will help whoever reads my blog in some way. Here are the words...I encourage you to download it if you've never heard it...


The mountains are steep and the valleys low
And already I'm weary but I have so far to go
Oh and sorrow holds my hand and suffering sings me song
But when I close my eyes I know to whom I belong...who makes me strong

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man in popper's clothes
A Shepherd to lead us through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost, so many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free...I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I'll never turn back 'cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I'll dance on silver moonlight
And I'll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I'll run into the arms, the arms that set me free...

I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free...
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, and I'll never turn back 'cause He waits....I'll never turn back
Don't you ever turn back 'cause someday, someday we're gonna see
That we will be free


Hope someone(s) enjoyed that. I still feel like crap. I can't wait for this night to be over. I don't trust who I'm working with. Whatever...good night.