Fighting with hubby

I know that the hormones are starting to change a bit now that baby is getting ready to come out. Aren't I supposed to be feeling better because of this though? Apparently not. I'm really scared that I'm going to have post-partum depression. What's worse is that I feel so unsupported by my hubby, which is not going to be conducive to a smooth arrival into the world for baby. I really do wish that I could just stay at a family members place for the first 6-8 weeks post-birth like they do in other cultures. All that is expected of you is to nurse, eat, change diapers and sleep. Everyone else caters to you. No wonder Post-partum depression is soooo prevalent in the west! You're expected to 'calf' and get back to work! Well, I am one of the fortunate people wherein I have a good paying job that allows me to have a full year off with benefits and (reduced) pay, which is supplemented to 80% of my earnings for the first 17 weeks, and then down to 55% of my earnings (through EI) for the remainder of the year. I suppose I should be focusing on all of the 'good stuff' that is happening. However readers, as you may know, I have had a bumpy road with this pregnancy. Hormonal fluctuations + bipolar type II + anxiety + me = one crazy woman who is very hard to deal with unless she's got her smile painted on (for church, work, social functions...not for poor hubby).
Quite frankly, I am a bit sick and tired of people giving me the "What a blessing!" routine. I know it's a blessing. I know it is. My heart is sad though, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel unsupported by my husband and don't know how to fix it/him. I feel as though everyone thinks I 'ought to be' ecstatic...but the truth is, I am scared to death. I am so scared that I will be a horrible mom. I am so scared that this child will inherit this mood disorder or my husbands ADHD. I am so scared that Brad and I won't make it through. And perhaps the most scary, I am so scared that God is going to take this precious baby away from me as a lesson in counting my blessings.

I want to clarify:

• I am grateful to have been blessed with fertility
• I am grateful to have found a good man
• I am grateful for having a supportive immediate family
• I am grateful for my church (though I feel so far away from them now)
• I am grateful for my job
• I am grateful to be a Christian
• I am grateful to be under the care of many professionals in regards to my mood disorder as well as my pregnancy

However, as I stated before, I have a sad heart, and a mixed up mind. I can't seem to 'switch the tapes over' in my head. All that I have learned from counselling, I can;t seem to put into practise. Am I destined to be a horrible, miserable woman? I am so tired of this fight. It feels as though it will never end and I am scared it is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.
I am so afraid.
Please God, protect my little one from the madness that makes me up.

Come on baby!!!

Still not feeling so hot...I had a great afternoon yesterday, but a crappy sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and my pelvis is killing me!!! It helps when I take tylenol so that's what I've been doing, but I don't want to take too much, even though the pro's say it's safe for pregnancy. I guess I am just really excited to meet my little one, but disapointed that if I go too overdue, I'll have to get induced. Induction would be great if it worked every time! It increases the likelihood of a ceaserean birth by a mile. Oh well. I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't have to worry about that until next Wednesday (if I go 10 days over). I think I just want to experience true labour. I want to experience what God designed my body to do. But hey, I have to just go with the flow. If I'm too anxious, baby won't be going anywhere.
Anyways, enough from me.
Sorry if I seem whiny. You all must be sick of it!

Not sure what to type today...just not feeling so hot lately is all. My mind is all jumbled so this may not make a lot of sense.
I had a bit of a melt down last night (I say a bit...my husband and mother thought it was more than a bit). I spazzed out and took off with the car for 15 minutes when my husband came home from work. I have been experiencing massive cabin fever since my hubby is still trying to get his vehicle up and running. It's not like I didn't do anything yesterday either...I went to the lake with my sister and her kids. Still, I guess 'cause I felt like a beached whale, didn't have my swimming suit, and wasn't very comfy, it wasn't the outing that I really needed (what that outing is, I don't know).
I was upset with my husband for 2 reasons:

1) lately he has been teasing me about my HUGEness - I know he does it out of fun, but I already feel unattractive enough. Yes I'm carrying a child, but I have gained almost 60 lbs on an already chubby frame, my face is puffy and I have stretch marks all over...ugh. No amount of make-up or hair fixing seems to do anything.

2) as soon as he gets home, he goes to work on his car. I've been home all day; pregnant and kinda lonely, thinking that he thinks I'm a huge unattractive heifer. Then he goes and does something else away from me. Huh. No wonder I think he's serious when he teases me.

So, back to my 'peeling out of the driveway' moment - yeah, I came back 15 minutes later and told my hubby how I felt. He was quite understanding and apologised. He then went and had a shower, and I watched some dumb show on TV. I still didn't feel much better when he came back though. I was still feeling sorry for myself and he got very frustrated with me because of it.
I then called my mom to ask if we could 'borrow' some groceries. She seemed frustrated with me asking so I then told her to forget about it and hung up.
I then had the immense urge to clean up our pig pen house so I started the dishes. My hubby came rushing in and told me he would do them but I didn't care. I wanted to get them done. I then proceeded to clean the entire kitchen and sweep the entire house. Then I mopped the floor. At this time my mom showed up with a bunch of groceries - instead of being grateful and gracious to my poor mother I said, 'What are you doing here???' She was understandingly taken aback by my rudeness. She put the groceries in the kitchen, asked me how I was as I was madly cleaning the floors (to which I shrugged and said 'fine' as I was sweating, huffing and puffing), went outside to breath for a couple of minutes and then left in a huff. I don't blame her. I was being a total bitch. I eventually called her to apologise, again, in manic-y manner. Shge was quite understanding and kind to me, despite how mean I had just been to her. I'm lucky to have such a good mom.
I then continued with my obsessive cleaning regimen when my hubby came and asked me, quite forcefully, to stop and calm down. I eventually did, as my back was aching and I don't think that physically I could have done anymore anyways. Then hubby and I sat down and watched some TV. I swear, 10 minutes later I was completely restored to 'normal Shelly'.
Was that a manic/mixed state, or was it a hormonal influx? Or does it even matter? I don't know...
I do know however, that I am 3 days overdue and really want to meet my baby! There is a lot to think about right now...
I don't know what else to type anymore. My hands hurt anyways. Whatever.

Stupid drama

Well, this is what we get for having roomates. I can't beleive the shit that is going on in my household days (or even minutes...who knows?) before I go into labour. What did I do to deserve this? All Brad and I want is some peace in our lives after the grueling first 3 years of our marriage. But no...my sister in law had to bring all her shit out on me, and now our tenant downstairs is being a total prick and not cleaning up after his cat. We have told him that the fumes are toxic to me and the baby, but to no avail. He doesn't seem to care at all. Now my hubby wants to kick him out...that would be great if we didn't need the $750 that he contributes each month so badly! His girlfriend is a complete peice of work too...AHHHHHHHHH!!! I can't handle this!!! I hate this!!! Hate this!!! Hate this!!!
I really do wish I had a river I could skate away on, just like the song says...
Guys, if you pray, I could really use it right now...please???

So bored!!!

Well, it is crunch time! I have sooooo much to do and so little time left to prepare for it. However, my hips hurt, me feet feel huge (and I've been advised to stay off of them) and I decided to have an extra cup of java this morning (against my better judgement). In other words, I want to do all this stuff, but physically, I can't do that much. Without a car I am housebound as well. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Stir crazy city!!! I wish somebody could come along and bonk me on the head to knock me out for a couple of hours just to pass the time! (Who wants my address???)
I keep getting the advice to take it easy because this is the last time I will ever be bored in my life. I can totally appreciate what people are saying to me, but I really hate sitting still. I think that being a mom may just be therapeutic for me! My mom even said that she thinks this child will calm me down. Who knows.
Man, I wish I hadn't had that extra cup of coffee this morning. I'm trying to ween off my clonazepam, but how can I when I'm loading myself up with a stimulant! I had chest pain yesterday too, which I know ids from weening off of the stuff so I had to increase my dosage last night with the plans to cut back again tonight...I guess there will be no sleep for me!!! Not that that's unusual lately. My hips are 'preparing for labour' and are so sore that it makes it next to impossible to have a good slumber. I'm up at least 10 times a night peeing, shifting, eating, sipping my water, tossing...you get the idea. Oh well, I guess God is preparing me for the looming lack of sleep that I will have soon enough! I can't believe that I am due in 4 days! I have a feeling that my little angel will be arriving either right on schedule, give or take a couple of days. I have been massively 'nesting' as they say, and I figure that if my hips hurt this bad, it's because I'll be giving birth sooner rather than later. I just hope I make it to my pedicure appointment tomorrow! Gotta have some lovely toes for the doctor and all the nurses looking down there ya know! Haha! Lol! Anyways, can you tell that I'm hyper? Maybe a little hypo-manic again? (Was I ever not...it's hard to tell...)
Anyways, love to all of you. May God bless you this day and always. Thanks for reading :)
Shebee

Pregnancy update...still pregant

Well, thankfully I do not have toxemia! Yay!!! It's amazing how a little rest and relaxation can drop your blood pressure significantly...I even lost a pound and a half! Weird!

However, I am starving and my carpel tunnel hands are killing me! In other words, this is a short and sweet post.

I will post a more interesting segment tomorrow!!!

Oh, and C.A., thanks so much for your encouraging comment on my previous post :)
Unfortunately my actual e-mail address is not the one listed under my blogger account and I can't seem to figure out how to change the darn thing! I posted a reply comment on my previous blog just for you though!

Cheers all :)

Welcome back hypo-mania!

I know it seems a little odd to be excited about having my old friend hypo-mania returning, but it sure as HELL beats the depression that has been plaguing me! The only thing I really don't like about it is the anger that comes with it. But let me tell you: waking up actually feeling excited about the day has been a long overdue treasure that I have missed for months!
It's probably got a lot to do with my decrease in seroquel lately. My pdoc said that if I do okay on 200 instead of 300mg I should be ok to stay at that dosage, since baby is coming any day now. Now it's the daunting task of decreasing my clonazepam. I hate being on it. I feel like a druggy as it's a 'controlled substance'. At least the pharmacist had me feeling that way when I asked for an advance 'cause I had no money to purchase my last prescription. She said it really loud too...it was soooo embarassing! I already feel shitty enough having to take all these stupid meds while I'm pregnant, but for her to draw attention to me like that in the pharmacy at my local grocery store was really, like I said, embarrassing! I can't wait to be off of them. I only take 1 mg a day, so I'll start to decrease that probably tonight by .5 mg. My anxiety and depression have been soooo bad during my pregnancy that I was unable to decrease them unless I wasn't working. Now that I'm not working anymore and there are only 11 days left before baby is due, it's about high time. Baby seems totally fine, but still, there is a risk of withdrawal for the poor little one . Wow, that makes me feel guilty as sin!!! But hey, I've been under the direction of a reproductive psychiatrist...she knows what she's doing. She constantly reminds me that it's better that I'm a healthy mom for my baby than suffering through without the aid of meds. The biggest concern I had was neural tube defects as a result of the paxil and that's a non-issue anymore. Oh yeah, and I was worried about cleft palate from the lamectal, but when I saw my little baby's face on the 3D ultrasound, everything was fine. I still am, however, a little concerned about the chance of downe's as I opted out of getting the amniocentesis when I got a low positive result on my triple screening test. Everything looks and sounds and feels normal though. I'm pretty darn sure that baby is just fine. If baby does have downe's, that's just something that Brad and I will have to take in stride. We love our little munchkin, no matter what. Abortion was not an option for us (morally) so I guess that's that. God will take care and provide for us.
Anyways, I don't know if I mentioned that there is a chance that I will be induced this Friday. It depends upon the results from my 24 hour urine test (yeah, I had to pee into a jug for 24 hours!!! hahahaha!!! I laughed when they gave me the big orange thing at the biomedical lab). If the urine has too much protein in it, it could be that I have pregnancy induced toxemia. If that's the case, my obgyn will want to get baby out asap. I could be a full fledged mother by Friday! Holy smokes!!! But I guess it's either Friday or a week or two from then anyways. I'm not too worried 'cause I feel fine and we basically have everything ready for baby anyways (the only things we still need are a nice comfy chair for me for feeding, and a good supportive snugly - two items which we can get by without for the first little bit anyways).
But yeah, back to the hypo-mania. It sure is great to type and not look back over everything I just typed thinking, 'boy am I dumb'. It sure is great to have good dreams at night, and it sure is great that I actually have been sleeping (which doesn't fit the classic hypo-mania, but hey, it's better than not sleeping due to bad dreams and dreadful feelings). I don't like, however, my anger as I stated before. I have been blowing up at my husband nightly for the past I think 4 nights. Everything that I have been 'blowing up' about has been valid, but my reactions have not been. It's hard to know if the anger is me with my past, my disorder, the hormones of pregnancy, stress (which has been huge lately; see my previous post if you feel so inclined) or all things combined. I do know, however, that as long as I air my feelings out to people I know care for me, I feel better. I just really hope that my support system is around for when baby arrives. It really depends on when junior decides to make his or her appearance. A lot of my friends are going on holidays in the next few weeks, my in laws live halfway across the country (and my father-in-law is still in a medically induced coma in the ICU at the Ottawa general from what seems to be a rare strain of bacterial meningitis), my best friend is also in hospital, I'm not working anymore and I don't really have a super close connection with anyone at work, my church is supportive, but the attenders all live a city away (I commute about a half hour to get to church 'cause it's totally worth it), My mom works full time and my sister has two kids of her own. And as for Brad, well, his heart is mostly with his father right now, which I TOTALLY understand, but still, it's hard. (I do think that once baby arrives he will be more emotionally available, and he is taking off 2 weeks of holidays as soon as I give birth, so that's good!)
All is not lost! After I told them how worried I was about not having the support I need after baby is born, my mom and sister told me that they are working on getting a support network for me for the first 6 weeks or so post-partum. Whether these people are strangers or not, I don't know, but at this point I don't really care! As long as they are nice and willing to give me a little help I am thrilled! Plus the community health nurse will be visiting me at least once in the first week or so.
Anyways, I think I'm rambling. So much to think about though!!! Race, race, race goes the mind...

So long, no type

Well, it's been a while...again!!! A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks! For one, I'm 6 weeks closer to giving birth! ACK! For two, I'm off work now and kinda bored, believe it or not!
For three, our kitty never came home :( For four, my hubby's dad was in the psych unit at a hospital out in Ontario for panic/anxiety disorder for a couple of weeks. He came home and then 2 days later had to be rushed to the Ottawa general as he picked up bacterial meningitis from his previous hospiutal stay. He's in rough shape, but doctor's believe he'll pull through. And for five, my best friend has been hospitalized in a mood disorder ward. All in all, it's been a bit stressful lately. I have been sooooooo miserable lately too. My poor husband. I fluctuate between absolute paralyzing fear and anxiety, to horrible lashing out in anger, to feeling just dandy, all in a matter of hours. It's really, very draining. I see my counsellor tomorrow. However, I don't feel like it does that much for me, accept to bring up painful crap that makes me sad. Rip that old band-aid right off...nice and slow.
I am enjoying a book right now though. 'An unquiet mind'. It's really quite good and I can relate to most of it (it's an autobiography of a famous psychiatrist with bipolar disorder). I am also read8ing 'pregnancy blues' which goes into detail about the hormonal/neurotransmitter connection with dperession during and after pregnancy. My depression/anxiety has been pretty bad during my pregnancy. I ended up having to increase rather than decrease my paxil. Oh well, what do ya do. Baby seems fine so that's all that matters.
I am bored...and I'm starting to get really aggitated with myself and the fact that I can't type very well and that it takes me a lot longer to type than the average person at my age. I'm being random now...oh well. Whatever. Roar, now I'm in a bad mood.

Worried

Well, the internet is finally up and running at my house! Yipeee!!! Things are staring to settle down around here. However, I'm worried for a few reasons:
a) Labour is approaching at an alarming pace, and I am scared to death about the pain I am going to go through, having never gone through it before
b) Our kitty is missing and my heart is broken over that...he's been missing since Wednesday morning :(
c) My good friend is really struggling and I am worried sick about her, but hardly know what to say or do, as I am in a fragile state myself
d) I don't really like my new pdoc - she doesn;t seem to 'get' me
e) We still have A LOT of setting up and purchasing of baby stuff to do before baby arrives and it seems that nothing is done and the bills keep pouring in!!!
Anyhow, that's why I'm worried. I know the bible says to "cast all your cares upon (Jesus), because he cares for you" but I am a natural worrier. I really have to work on that. That's all I have to type for now. I'll type more later on.
See ya

Struggling along

Well, I had a huge blow up the other night. It ended with me hanging up on my mother, and attacking my husband (physically). Stress + Shelly = bad things. I don't really feel the urge to give too many details, just that it was an awful situation. My mom ended up calling my hubby and telling him that she didn't care if I went to Hell or not. That is not like my mom at all to say something like that. I am very hurt. I wouldn't be if she wasn't so Christian. I called to apologize and left a message but neither my mom or dad have called me back. I am hurt, but worse than that, I am worried that I will end up hurting my unborn child because of my stupid anger/bipolar disorder.
I talked to my counsellor about it all and she suggested marital counselling for hubby and I, and she reiterated what my pdoc said about the anger management classes/training. I am all about the marital counselling, however, I'm not 100% sure about the anger management stuff.
My family life growing up was a training ground for rage and bitterness. However, I do have bipolar disorder, which could be a major factor in my angry outbursts. Anger management training may just leave me frustrated and feeling more hopeless than ever. Still, I think I need to give it a try. I am saddened, deeply saddened right now. I have hurt those that love me quite deeply.
My hubby has decided to forgive me, but I don't know about my mom and dad. Wasn't moving closer to them supposed to be a good thing?

Busy busy busy!

Well, moving is stressful. I know you all know that, but really...holy crap! Thank goodness we're out of the old and in the new, but still, there is sooooooooooo much to do! I am actually at my parents house right now rushing to blog as I know I haven't for a while because I know I won't have any chance of it at home (besides our cable, internet and phone doesn't get hooked up 'till Tuesday). I am thankful that it went fairly smoothly though, despite the fact that I have been working all throughout (my next day off is Tuesday...ugh). I am also very thankful to be in a larger place...I just have to remember to take it one day at a time, otherwise I will turn into a complete basket-case! Lists, I need to make lists...
Anyways, sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately...I have dropped off the face of the planet for this last week (I especially mean this for you Jena...soooo sorry!!!)
As for moods...not too hsabby, considering what is going on in my life right now. Stressed about finances more than anything, but I seem to be handling it well. I have a counselling appointment on Tuesday so hopefully we can tackle some of my issues surrounding money=stress=anger=rage...
My pdoc recommended that I go to an anger management program for woman out of a very good hospital in Vancouver. I'm pretty sure that I will be signing up. I really need to know how to get this anger out in a good way.
Anyways, gotta go.

Update

Well, it's been a few days since my 'crash'. I have been feeling a lot more normal now, which is absolutely wonderful! Today is 'partial' moving day (we're doing the rest on the 1st) and I am unfortunately unable to help because I have hurt my foot somehow (I think it's the baby weight causing strain). Normally, I would feel helpless and hopeless right now, but strangely, I feel no guilt or frustration...I just know that I can only do what I can do! I'm thinking rationally...clearly! Sigh of relief! There is so much to do too, but I still don't feel overwhelmed as I am a lucky woman and I have people in my life who are understanding and are willing to help me with the move, no questions asked (or guilt trips played).
I had a really great night last night too. I went out for one of my best friends' birthdays and we had a great night. It was close and intimate. Nothing to cause anxiety over. No new people I didn't know, just good, old friends. We all caught up and it was great! I had to watch myself though...I tend to talk about baby/expecting a little too much...I'm just excited though!!! Talk about a life altering change! But still, for those who aren't in my shoes, well...it can be a bit tiresome, I'm sure.
Anyways, I'm gonna go and read some blogs now. I hope and pray that you are all well.

Whoah Nelly...

I have been experiencing a mixed state for the last few days prior, but yesterday was definately depression. I am going to post something that is not for the faint of heart. It was something that I typed out of emotional agony last night. There is some swearing, and it is extremely negative. If you are feeling low, maybe skip this one. If you aren't, maybe you could gie me some of your insight...? Anways, here goes:

So dreadful, so alone. I can’t escape this body of death. Despair, rejection, fear, frustration. I am the one who got away. I am the one whom God’s grace could not cover. I am that one. That is the way I feel. I hate feelings. I hate my sickness. I hate how it seems to control my life. I hate even more that others don’t see it for what it is and think that I have nothing better to do than to feel sorry for myself. I long to feel wholeness. Has any wholeness I’ve ever felt been real? Or has it been a hypo-manic or manic episode?
Is Brad really the man I was supposed to marry, or did I fuck that one up too? I should have stayed single? What about this precious being in my womb? What about them? They MUST have a purpose here. Why would I have been in this situation otherwise? Maybe there really is no point to life. I thought that life was about God, goodness, kindness, gentleness, etc. All I feel is dread, dread, dread. I put on a good show though don’t I? Nobody at work would ever suspect. Or would they? My fears of being ‘found out’ realized? I have so much shit in this mind of mine. So much putrid filth and shit. The muck and mire. The disgusting toxic bitterness and hatred of years past and present. Apparently, the bible tells me that there is a way out of this distress. That is to ‘trust God’. How can I trust God when God wasn’t there for me when I needed Him the most? Oh wait, He was there, but he was in disguise and let bad things happen to me. He lets bad things happen to a lot of people. We are owed something good in life, aren’t we? Instead, it all comes back to the putrid filth and shit in my head. The ‘Shelly, you’re a failure’ or, ‘Shelly, you’ll never amount to anything…loser, pig, ugly, fat, disgusting, worthless…’. I have failed at so many avenues in my life. As a student, in my finances, in my career, in my marriage, in being a step-parent, in being a daughter, in being a friend, in being a Christian, in being a human being.
Anxiety, fear, hatred. Loathing of oneself is never a good thing; however, it seems to plague my thought life more often than not. I want to die. I don’t want this baby to be born to me. Worse yet, I fear that this baby won’t love me when he/she finds out what a mess I am. If I have failed at everything else in my life, why not parenthood? I know Oriah doesn’t give two shits about me. What makes me think my birth child will?
Life is hard, no one said it wouldn’t be. Maybe I am one of the few that just can’t hack it. Maybe I should leave this place ahead of my time. Baby would be better off without me. I can’t do that to baby. He/she would think that I abandoned them, when really, he/she is the only thing keeping me alive inside right now. I can’t give up now, especially not now. Though I crave to escape from this pit of despair

Now for today:
I feel great...totally hypo-manic. I was smiley and friendly all day today. I had extra wit and charm. I ate properly. I made myself look pretty. It was crazy at work today but I managed to thrive due to my surplus of energy. I have been thanking God and praising Him all day.
I find iwhat I wrote last night to be very disturbing. I could NEVER abandon my loved ones, let alone my brand new baby. I know that God has a purpose for my life. Yes there has been sadness in my life, but without manure, what beautiful bloom can grow? Who hasn't experienced pain in their life?
What is real? What are the hormones? What is my illness? Wow, I'm confused; more than that, I'm scared.
But, on a lighter note, I must agree with Jenalexa in a recent blog of hers...being hypo-manic sure is awesome while it lasts!!! I really hope it lasts...actually no. I crave normalcy. Normal will do.
Until tomorrow...Shebee

Uncomfortable in my own skin

Feeling very ....weird today. Last night wasn't good either. Is it another mixed state? Did I end up throwing up my meds on Sunday morning? I just feel so out of sorts and all over the place. Extremely paranoid for one thing...I hate this...dread creeps into my gut and I can't seem to get it out. I feel like an awful person. An awful wife, and awful friend, an awful employee...you get the idea. Maybe this is depression rearing its ugly head again. Who knows. I don't!
Sometimes I wonder if I should even be working anymore. I know I'm productive when I get there (for the most part), but it's the fear, the dread, and the getting there that feels sooooo difficult. I don't feel as though anyone of my staff members would be kind and understanding if they really knew what was going on in my personal life. I feel as though half of them have already guessed, and those are the half that have little or no compassion for people suffering with mental illness.
Only 3 months left though, before I go on my maternity leave...only 3 months...
I can do this!!!
God, please give me an understanding friend at work...please...let me be able to vent every now and then to them...please help me out of this slimy pit that I seem to have sunken into... and please help my family understand me better so that they can help me better...please help us to get through the move to our new house without me going completely insane, and please give me grace towards my sister-in-law, so that I hold no resentment towards her. Thank you for Your goodness and Your grace. Please give me the strength that I do not have. I love you Lord. Amen.

Stomach flu from %$#@!

Holy smokes, nothing like a horrid stomach flu to make you realize what you're missing in day to day life.  I went out for Mexican food on Saturday and when I got home, I started to feel a bit queazy.  I figured it was just the spice and the amount of food I had ingested.  Well, I didn't end up sleeping much and when I did wake up at about 6-am, I was in agony.  My stomach was so sore and I couldn't get comfortable.  At around 10-am, that's when the spew-fest began...ugh.  I then proceeded to call my friend whom I had eaten the mexican food with, and she was just fine.  I know that a horrible stomach flu is traveling all over the lower mainland of BC, (particularly because half the staff at my job have been off sick with it) so I put 2 and 2 together and...well, you get the idea.  I have also had the other wonderful symptoms associated with this nasty bug, which I know you know full well, so I won't go there, and my temperature yesterday was 102.5 degrees. This was particularly worrisome as I am almost 7 months pregnant and I was very worried about baby.  Baby seems to be just fine though.  Even though I hardly ate at all yesterday, baby is still kicking up a storm.  I was able to eat some cereal and coffee this morning, with a little discomfort, but hey, I gotta eat, so that's good.  

Anyways, now for my moods.  I have been noticing a pattern.  Every other week seems to present itself with a mixed state of a few days or so.  In this mixed state, I am usually bawling at commercials, throwing things at my husband, and smacking my head against the wall (literally...last night we almost had to get the spackle out).  It really frustrates me.  I feel good for about 10 days and then, yikes!  Watch out, here comes psycho pregnant lady!  The thoughts in my head are horrible too...very disturbing and guilt provoking.  Perverted, angry, destructive...you name it.  I almost feel like I need to be delivered from a demonic hold on my life when those thoughts come.  But, because I am a bipolar II/anxiety suffering person, I don't want to over spiritualize anything.  All I know though, is that I:

a. feel far from God 

b. feel crazy

c. feel guilty for making my husband crazy

d. feel scared of how good a mom I'll be

e. feel like killing my loved ones

There are many other things too, but I can't figure them all out right now.  You with bp know what I'm talking about.  I just know that I'm really struggling to feel peace.  I am constantly wanting to be busy with something so I don't have to think.  The carpel tunnel in my wrists and my being sick this weekend have forced me to slow down...maybe that's why my blog is longer today...I need/ed to vent I guess.  

Anyways, I gotta rest my wrists now.  My massage therapist would kill me if he saw me typing when I don't actually have to for work.

Update...short and sweet

So we found a place that is PERFECTO for us, my sis-in-law is not driving me as mental, ()and plans to move out in 6 months or so, baby is doing well, and my mood seems to have stabilized after a wacko 3 day mixed state last weekend. Thank you God. I would type a heck of a lot more but my wrists are causing my hands to go numb and I don't have my braces on them (tisk tisk!) so I need to get going. Love and hugs.
Shebee

Frustration!!!

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely excited and blessed to have this little bundle of wonder in my belly. However, there are a few things that are driving me mad!!! One in particular is my bilateral carpel tunnel syndrome (which will make my blogging a lot less frequent and or a lot more brief). It was brought on by the water retention of pregnancy...ugh. Secondly, I'm not too keen on the sciatica I am experiencing on my left side either! And finally, I am so sick and tired of being a total ball of hormonal craziness. I'm used to being bipolar, for the most part, but this is rediculous!!! One minute I'm having the time of my life, the next I'm bawling my eyes out, the next I'm ripping a strip off of my poor husband...ugh. I know though, that the miracle going on right as we speak makes everything worth it. I love you baby...no matter what you're putting me through now or ever...

I'm trying to get to the bottom of some of my frustration lately. I know that a big part of it is that our home is too small for all of us (all of us = my husband, my sister-in-law, myself, my step-son every other weekend, oh, and our cat) The thing is, my sis-in-law wasn't here very often before when she was dating this particular fellow. Now they've broken up and she's dating someone new who is much better for her (yay!) However, having her here more often is trying at times. I'm just not used to it. It was great when she was here during the week but not on weekends, so that Brad and I could have some alone time. Now she's here 24/7 it seems, and because she's Brad's twin, it's almost like having two of my husbands around. Bless their hearts, but I can only handle one!!! Lord give me patience! It's hard too, having a mood disorder and wondering if she thinks I'm crazy, where I know Brad can relate (he has depression) and he knows me and loves me just the same. I don't know where Sabrina stands with my whole 'mood problem'. And when baby comes, I don't know if I'm going to get worse or not. How is she going to be around me then??? Will she be understanding? God, I need a break!!! A vacation with my husband???!!! That's all I ask...before the baby gets here...please...? Sabrina plans to live with us for another year or so before she heads out on her own, in case you were wondering. We have all discussed it and said that it's fine...oh me and my BIG yap...
Now I feel bad...she really isn't a burden...it's just, well, I just want some quality time with Brad while we have time to have it! Once baby gets here, well, that's it...no more newlyweds...not that we really ever had an opportunity to even have that! We had Oriah for the first two and a half years of marriage, now we have Sabrina!!! (Oriah lives primarily with his mother now...looooooooooong story...he's doing failry well though, which is what matters most)
Whatever...uh oh, I'm starting to feel a pity party coming on...time to stop typing! Besides, my wrists are killing me! Will type more soon.

A Long Hiatus

It's been a LONG while and a lot has happened since my last entry. Most significantly and importantly, I am 22 weeks pregnant with my first child. Baby is moving up a storm and mommy is gaining lots of weight, so I'm sure all is going well. All of my ultrasounds/blood tests have come back normal too, so that's a bonus. (Well, there was one test that came back saying that baby has a 0.6% chance of having Downe's syndrome, but that was the only 'negative' test result I've had. I'm a little concerned, but I opted out of having the amnio as it seems so intrusive and barbaric; plus, I'm not even considering abortion, so really, what would the point be? Just to know for 5 months longer that my baby will have different needs than the average child?)
Unfortunately, my moods have gotten worse as a result of pregnancy. Fortunately though, I am now under the care of a reproduction psychiatrist at the women's hospital in my area. AND, for the first time since I was 'daignosed', I got a straight answer about 'what I have':
Biploar type II with GAD symptoms. Thank you God!
But yeah, I have not been having the easiest time, mood-wise. Neither have the people around me. I'm either bawling my eyes out, screaming my head off, or spending money we don't have and not sleeping. Good times. (I'm being slightly sarcastic there). Work has been pretty tough, but I have to bring home some of the bacon or else Brad and I will starve or be homeless.
I'm not in the best way today, nor have I been for the past 3 days. Easter used to be such a special time for me. A time of genuine gratitude for what the Lord did for us 2000 years ago. This weekend I felt numb, and ashamed for it. I cried after church because I long to feel that same way again...it's hard to know what's making me numb too. Is it my meds? Is it my circumstances (There is a lot of stress going on, what with baby, moving to a bigger place, finances...)? Is it a personal flaw within me? Am I just spoiled rotten just like a child who has had too much candy and now feels sick from it? Who knows.
Well, I don't know what else to type, so I'll leave it at that. Hopefully I will find it in myself to get back on here before the baby is due!!! Until then...