Foggy

Today is weird.
I feel really self-conscious about my work skills. I'm super tired. I can't think of the proper words to say (even in they are easy words). My cases are taking forever it seems.
This all leads me to believe that I am a total disaster. Am I good at anything at all? I don't excell at anything. I feel like such a dork.
I just want to be fulfilled. Happy about my career. Not self-conscious all the time.
I guess I just really feel crappy today. I can't wait to go home and sleep. I have 2 days off!!! I was even offered a shift for Saturday, but I said no. No way...I need a bit of a break.
Speaking of break, mine is over. I'll write more later.
Shebee

Last night, after all the commotion

Last night while we were just dozing off to sleep, my husband asked me a question about God.
"People struggle with sin all the time. Do they really need to confess it every time, or are they just wasting their time? Jesus died on the cross for us for our past, present and future sins, didn't He?"
Well, I was amazed to hear myself speak. I, biblically, answered all of his questions without the bat of an eyelash.
This is a miracle to me, as I thought I was so 'back-slidden' that I had no clue why I still kept my faith.
Mu husband thanked me and said that I 'cleared it up' for him. I felt such a peace wave over me. The Holy Spirit came upon me and I was even able to sort through a few things in my head (people that I 'hate', I was able to forgive, I made some peace with myself, etc).
Maybe my calling isn't being an X-ray tech at all (see my last post). Maybe I do need to go back to school and become a teacher/worship leader, or something else that involves spreading the Good News of our Lord.

Maybe I'm just speaking out of my rear end right now...? But I do feel encouraged. Hmmm.

I have gone over this thought process before, and I just let the dream fade. I tend to be a realist when it comes to my profession ("I can't quit! The money's good and it's secure!")
But I know that I am not satisfied with my current line of work. Even subconsciously, I am consistently late, I lose my focus easily, I take longer breaks than expected without even meaning to, and when I think of going to work, it is not with a sense of pride. More a sense of...well, I guess, dread is the best word I can think of. Still, it's the people that I work with that keep me going back. Most of them are awesome, and so fun to be around. But there lies my problem again. I am such a 'chatty kathy' people person that I get myself into trouble (glares and 'shushes' from the management, etc.).I feel that I will always be the 'black sheep' in my line of work.
Don't get me wrong, I am competent, I consistently get good images, and I am great with my clients. Still though, that is not enough to get me out of the hole that I've dug for myself. There is no passion in me for what I do...I feel as though I am called to greater things. Holy crap. I am nearly 30 years old and I still have no idea what's going on with my life. Could you pray for me, my friends, that I find a purpose?

Well, I've now lost my train of thought because my stomach has suddenly started to growl. I guess it is lunch time.

love to all of you,
Shebee

I need a career counsellor

Well, I thought working on Christmas day would be kinda fun...I've done it before and it's always been okay. Not today though. It is so busy and I'm working with someone who is the 'eyes and ears' of the management. I feel like she's watching my every move. She keeps saying stuff to me that someone would say to a student of my profession. In turn, I feel like an idiot. If it wasn't for this stupid illness I would be fine! I hate this....I am sooooo angry.
I need a new career, something more 'helping people' oriented. I help people in my job, but I don't get to have a lot of time with them. I really do need a career counsellor.
I feel, yet again, so humbled. Be careful what you pray for.
Feeling like a butt head,
Shebee

Merry 'Christ'-mas everyone

Just like the title states, He's the reason for the season!
May God bless you all the year through my friends.

Love Shebee

Got it!

Got my period yesterday...that could explain the desperately depressing blog I published yesterday (I always get really down when my period comes). It was 11 days late. That is not normal. And my cramps...oh my goodness, they are sooooo painful. I ended up calling in sick (yet again) due to them being so debilitating. Anyhow, I have to go finish my shopping.
Yes, I am still low, but at least I know part of the reason why.
Love you all.
Shebee

No good news anywhere

I am so stupid! I just did something to betray the trust of one of my closest friends. I can't believe I did it. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Now I realise that it was very intrusive and dumb. What is wrong with me?
Apart from this, I still haven't gotten ANYTHING done for Christmas and today is my only real shopping 'day' that I have to get things rolling. I even forgot my own nephews birthday on the 13th. And here I am, sitting at the computer in my pj's, robe and slippers.
Here are a few other things freaking me out at the moment: we still have no place for the 1st of January; our car insurance has run out and there is no way we can afford to reinstate it any time in the near future; I still haven't gotten any of my cards replaced from when my purse was stolen (including my drivers licence, so I've been driving illegally out of sheer desperation to get around); my pay cheque was relatively small compared to the usual (I got paid today) - see Christmas stress above; My hubby and I seem to be distant right now; Yesterday I was 90 minutes late for work because I forgot to set the alarm the night before; I have to work all weekend long (including Christmas day); I am gaining weight again ( and I'm already a bloody heffer); My step-son still seems to hate us and worship his crazy mother; and last but not least, I still haven't gotten my period. But here''s the thing: I took the pregnancy test again yesterday and it still said 'negative'! Part of me was relieved, but the other part of me was (and still is) desperately sad. I'm still going to get a blood test done tomorrow though, just to be sure (I'll get it through emergency, while I'm at work at the hospital - we have connections in Medical Imaging). If I'm not pregnant, what the hell is going on with my body? Maybe I don't deserve children after all. Maybe God is punishing me.
I am sooooo depressed right now. I can't even bring myself to fold laundry, do the dishes, or get ready, even though I have sooooo much to do today. I just want to cry and cry and cry. What kind of person am I? I hate me today. I hate all the things that I have done to hurt others. I hate the fact that I get so easily overwhelmed. Look at me..I didn't even get my wedding thank you's out, and we still haven't paid the photographer all the money we owe him. We haven't even given our parents wedding photo's. We were married in June of 2005! Is this reality I'm in for real? I never meant for any of this to happen. I always had the best of intentions. I never followed through. I am awful. I didn't even send out Christmas cards this year (as if I've done it any other year).
Thoughts of suicide keep enticing me, but I don' think I could do that to my family and friends. Would I go to heaven if I did? That is another question that keeps me from really, truly considering it.
I AM a failure. My father was right...I truly am a stupid bitch.

I feel soooo sick

Ugh. I'm struggling through my last hour of work and I just can't shake this 'flu-ey' feeling. I'm tired, my tummy's acting up, and my throat is sore. Not to mention I'm feeling the stress I'm under. (I'm on a break by the way).
Apart from the whole 'possibility of pregnancy' thing, my hubby and I still haven't been able to find a place for the 1st of Januuary...everything is too scummy so far.
What to do...
Does anyone have any remedies for getting over the flu quick? I already know the garlic thing, the salt water gargling thing, the ckicken soup thing, the ecinacea thing, the cold fx thing, the vit C thing...
Maybe I know all of them already (I love to research). Oh well. Anyways, break's over, so I'll have to blog more later. Ttyl.
Shebee

What if I am pregnant??? What if I'm a bad mom? Oh my goodness...the severity of the issue just hit me...I feel like bawling...God, help me please...?

Still late...

Sorry about the lull between my blogs. I have been participating in the choir of a musical (see picture - I'm in the tree!!!) and a lot of my time has been spent at the performances (there were 12 in all; I missed 4 due to my 'stuff' - tonight was the grand finale...oh well).
Well, Chalexa I think you may be right about stress causing my lack of a period. I have been extremely stressed out which is never good for people with our illness, let alone people without it. Plus I did do an 'at home' preg test the other day and it was negative. However, according to the instructions in the test, that could just be due to the fact that the HCG levels (pregnancy hormones) in my blood aren't high enough yet. They also said that if I don't get my period after the test has been taken in 3 days time, I should take it again. I took it 3 days ago, but I have opted to wait for a few more days. Let me explain. I was researching on the Internet, and the advice given at one reputable site said that I should have waited until at least 7-10 days after my expected period before taking the test in the first place. I only waited 4 days. The site also said that when the pregnancy test is negative even at the 7-10 day point, it should still be taken again 3 days later, just to be sure. That means that if I don't get my period by the 24th, I'll be taking the test again. Boy, if it's positive...Merry Christmas to me and my hubby!!! However, If it's negative, I'll be booking the first available appointment with my gp, (or I'll be going to a walk-in clinic if it takes too long to see my gp).

Now, I know that my posts have indicated that I am mostly upset by the fact that an unplanned pregnancy may just be in my future. But, to tell you the truth, I don't think I have ever wanted anything more than to have a child of my own. It has been a huge prayer of mine for years. It's weird; one minute I'm freaking out worrying, the next minute I'm jumping up and down with excitement. But I don't want to get my hopes up either. ACK! I'm just a ball of nerves right now.

Anyways, my mind is only on this right now, so I can't focus enough to let you all know everything else that's been going on. Sorry.

Lots of love to everyone. I hope and pray that you're all coping well with the stress of the holidays.

Shebee

PS - Thank you Shan, for your comment on my last post...it was extremely encouraging

PP SS - sorry I've been whining about no one getting back to me...I realize that blogger has been acting up; thanks for the update Chalexa :)

Oh boy

Well, my period is now 5 days late....I kinda hope that it is just due to stress, and that I'm not actually pregnant. (not that I don't want to have children, it's just the timing is off). Oh well...Merry Christmas to me if it is the case! I'm pro-life, so it's not like I'm going to get rid of it if I am prego. And hey, I'm not the one in charge here. It's the Big Cheese upstairs that has planned this for me if it is the case. My sister-in-law is coming over in a few minutes to take me to safeway where I can buy a bunch of preg tests, (not just one, just to make sure, and still then I'll be going to the doctor). I also need to get some more baking supplies. (I'm going to make your shortbread cookies today Marja!!!) Anyways, I guess that's about it. Still wondering why no one's really commenting...am I being 'the piece of shit in the centre of the universe'? Because I don't want to be...but please, if I am being totally self-centred...someone tell me. I promise I will take it with my mouth firmly shut.
Anyhow, Merry Christmas everyone. May the Love of Christ be in all of your hearts this season (man I sound like a greeting card!)
Love Shebee

The Search is on

We just saw the most wonderful 4 bedroom top floor of a house. Trouble is, it's been taken already, and we didn't find out until after we (my hubby, sister-in-law, step-son, and I) fell in love with it. We are all sad. It would have been perfect for us. Such is life hey? I guess we'll just have to keep looking...
BTW, are my blogs boring? 'Cause I notice that not a lot of ppl comment on them...am I doing something wrong?
ttyl,
Shebee

How it's been going...

Well, it turns out that after some extreme damage control and a whole lot of prayer, things at work didn't turn out as bad as I thought they would. Thankfully, I told my doctor about what happened, and she agreed that I had probably forgotten about the shift due to medication changes and too many things piled upon my plate. She wrote a note, discreetly stating that I have been dealing with a medical condition that may be attributed to my forgetfulness, etc...
It wasn't a sick note, but more of a note to let my bosses know where I'm at, so they could at least see some of the bigger picture. Attached to the doc note, I stapled a note of extreme apology, taking full responsibility, and stating that I have a plan in place to prevent these types of mistakes from happening again. My bosses seemed to respond to this well. In passing, my big boss asked me what my plan was, so I wrote another memo to her (as she was too busy to hear it right then and there), stating my plan (check schedule regularly...etc). I would have done it in person, but I couldn't seem to catch her....she is a very busy lady. So far I haven't heard back, and that was on Monday. I'm assuming all is well, and I hope that I'm right. I just have to make sure that I see my doctor regularly, see my counsellor regularly, and make sure I leave home 'stuff' at home.
Well, now that I'm off shift, maybe I can unload a bit of home 'stuff'.
Last night, out of anger, Brad raised a hand to me. I was just teasing him lovingly by placing a cold-pack on his arm (we always tease each other like that). Being from an abusive home myself, this really upset me. When I expressed how angry I was at him for doing that, he just kinda fluffed it off and said "I was in my zone". (he was cleaning, and that's what he calls it when he's going at it frantically). When I kept on him about it, he started getting really angry, partly because he didn't want to hear me anymore, and partly because I was saying all of this in front of his son. I was soooooooo angry though. Plus we live in a place where there is literally no room to do anything in private, apart from the bathroom! He began to swear and yell and tell me to 'get over it, it was nothing!!!'
Well, it sure was something to me. I went to bed early and very hurt and angry. I brought it up again this morning, and he did apologise, but not with much conviction in his voice...more just to get me off his back, I think. Now I'm sitting in the back room at work. I don't want to go home. I have to take the bus, it's cold, and I'm coming home to a jerk (or at least he's acting like one), and a very high-maintenance step-son. I just don't want to deal with anything tonight.
Another thing on my mind...my period...yeah, it's late. Earlier this week I was really nauseous and yesterday my breasts were tender...oh Lord, I know I prayed for biological children, but...now???? We are sooooo broke, my hubby's acting weird,(to tell you the truth, after last night and a few other incidents in our marriage, I'm starting to suspect that he has a mood disorder himself...he's already been diagnosed with depression, but I think there's something else going on), and I feel soooo unhealthy. I wanted to be fit and trim and healthy and non-smoking before I started planning a family...I am so scared.
Too many what-ifs are flooding my head. I need support...I don't feel I have it at home, I know I don't have it at work...I thank God for all of you, for my gp, and my counsellor. I Just wish I had more support at home...lack of support at work I can handle, but not at home.
This leads to Christmas...ahhh, Christmas. Ti's the season for stress and panic (at least for me). We have no cards out, no baking done, hardly any presents bought, and very little money to work with. Oh, and we're planning on moving out on the 1st of January!
Anyways, I'm done my rant...thanks for letting me spill my guts and feel sorry for myself for a little while. If you think of it, could you please pray for me?
Love to you all
Shebee

I can't believe this!!!!

I just got a call from my work . Apparently I was supposed to be there this morning at 7:48am (I know, weird hours) for a shift. I didn't even know about it!!! I called in and said that I couldn't come in because of appointments (counsellor, support group, then doctor)...my immediate supervisor did not sound happy. He said that the shift had been on the schedule for at least two weeks. What am I supposed to say to that? I feel like such an incompetant moron.
But I swear that my manager said she would let me know if she gave me extra shifts ahead of time(or at least I think she did???) apart from my regular job. I KNOW I'm going to get pulled into my bosses office on Monday and reemed out. I am sooooo scared.
I know this happened due to my lack of focus and my depression...maybe I can get a doctors note? Oh Lord, I am so scared...please help me....I am so afraid of the repricutions of this!!! :(
Could you guys please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if you believe in God) on this matter? My boss does NOT understand mental illness at all. She has the whole "Just get over it" attitude. (Even thought she claims to be a Christian and she lost her husband early in their marriage - you'd think she'd have more compassion - go figure).
I can't believe this!!!! I hope I did the right thing by saying I couldn't come in due to appointments...that can count as sick time...I hope? I am soooooo scared. Ack!
Lord, please help me.
When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?
Shebee

Just so you all know...what I just wrote would have been better, but half way through I started wondering what you guys would be thinking while reading it and then I got nervous...in the end it was a bit of a sham. What am I so afraid of??? I don't even know half of you?! I guess I think the world judges me the same way I judge myself.
My self-esteem sucks lately...no confidence at all at anything anymore. Even the things I once thought I was good at like cooking and singing. Now I feel like I suck...totally suck. Just being honest...sorry so glum.

Gods Grace and Beauty

No matter how desperately morose I become about my life, I must always remember that He is

He is the gentle sound of the creek I hear on the mountain trail

He is the soft breeze in the air that caresses my face lightly

He is the emotion that captures me when I learn that I am truly loved by someone

He is

So Low

So far today, I have slept, eaten, had one cigarette, put most of the clean laundry away, and watched TV. Nothing has seemed to make me feel better. Now I am here. I'm really trying not to turn to alcohol (as the Vodka in the freezer calls my name).
I keep thinking about how I have let people down. I never got my wedding thankyou notes out (we've been married since March of 2005), I still haven't paid the rest of the money to our caterer or our photographer, and I've been a bad friend. What kind of terrible person doesn't send out their wedding thankyou's? I feel sooooo horrible about this every time it comes into my head. I want to do something about it but a voice inside plays...'you CAN'T do it, it would be insulting to all of your guests to even bother now...you're AWFUL! Imagine how many people resent you now!!!'
My support network is next to nill. I have no regular pdoc and no regular therapist. I'm still new and anonymous at my church (I tried to get involved with singing but they said they didn't need anybody). My boss is totally clueless when it comes to this type of sickness, I have no money, my hubby is really trying to undertand but is having a hard time, my family are all doing well and I don't want to bring them down with my b.s....
On tuesday I smashed my head against the wall when my hubby said he wouldn't come to parent support group with me. I then began bawling and convulsing uncontrollably. I was so angry at him for not wanting to go, and for not wanting to support me through coming with me to parent group. I was playing mind games with him, I guess. I really hurt my head...the bruise is now forming. I didn't care though. I believed I deserved it. I'm still mad that he didn't come with me...but more than that, that he didn't react to me smashing my head against the wall. He just laid there, looking at me funny and he asked if I was okay. He didn't run to my rescue and hold me in his arms...then rush us down to parent group night like I thought it should work.
I feel so crazy...why would I hurt myself to get a reaction out of my husband?
Chalexa just gave me a good suggestion...she said I really need to be honest with my gp and get a referral to see a pdoc on a regular basis. Right now my gp is just going by the pdoc notes I got from a July appointment.
Ugh...I don't know if this blog makes any sense at all...whatever, you all understand...thank God.
Btw Marja, I'll be there tomorrow.
Shebee

Thank God for modern medicine

I am completely sorry for my last post...I am calm now...just feeling the effects of 2mg of clonazepam. I think I'm ready for bed actually. Goodnight, but not goodbye. Thankyou Marja, you are an angel sent by God himself. God bless you...

I don't know what's going on...maybe it's because I have gone down in my paxil and up in my lamotrigine (at the request of my pdoc...don't worry). I just feel so tired, sad, irritable, and emotional. Hell, why am I even on any type of mood stabilizer if my bipolar gets worse when I'm messing with my 'cocktail'? My self-esteem is really on the low...I've even been avoiding blogging because I think that what I have to type isn't worth shit...worthless, hopeless, suicidal thoughts coming and going...I hate this...
It even crossed my mind today that maybe I don't even have bipolar, but maybe I am just an anomaly with absolutely no hope to recover from the irreparable damage done to me.
I keep doing self-dectructive things...things that I know are really bad...things that make me sick to my stomach when I realise I'm doing or have done them.
I hate being sick, I hate being fat, I hate being ugly, I hate being me. Don't bother replying any of you...I don't deserve it for this neverending pity-party I throw every day of my damn life. I think I'm going to stop blogging - I can't even express my real self here. I'm too nervous that I'm not talented enough, funny enough, cool enough...really, I truly believe it. Nothing has ever helped me to get better. I am hopeless. Goodbye.

Just did something super stupid

I am sooooo stupid. I just sent an e-mail that I KNOW was not good to send!!! I was angry when I sent it and it was pretty mean. I am an evil person...I have been acting like a raving lunatic all day! I hate this! What is going on? I increased my mood stabilizer...isan't that supposed to help me? I don't want to deal with the repricutions of this...:(
God help me...I am so hopeless...

I'm done hiding out

Well, I'm back from my depressive hiatus from the blog. I don't know why I do that? It would probably be good for me to blog when I'm feeling super overwhelmed, but the thought of it freaks me out. Hence the overwhelmed feeling.
Today, my hubby and I went to small claims court for a matter that was totally NOT for small claims court. We were taken there by my step-sons mother and her father. They were denied everything though, as we have joint custody and they were asking for child support. They were also trying to prove that we owe them $2500 for a 'section 15' (a psychological assessment provided by a court appointed psychologist) that they asked to be done. I believe that the only reason they want half of the amount for it is because it didn't turn out in their favor. The assessment suggested that my hubby and I are the better equipped and 'fit' parents for my step-son. So there you go. Cut and dry. But hey, the family that we are dealing with are totally in denial and full of s%&t as far as I'm concerned. Whatever..sorry to bore you with details. It may go to supreme court though...that has me worried...I just don't trust our judges in this province. I wish that we could all get along...I keep praying for that...maybe God will say yes...who knows.
Ugh...I have been sick for more than a week. It sucks because I had the flu shot the week before, and what did I get? The flu!!! I guess it was a different strain. I do work in a hospital, so I guess all the bugs like to hang out there. Whatever.
Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling, so I'm going to stop typing now..
love you all,
Shebee