Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I don't know what's going on...maybe it's because I have gone down in my paxil and up in my lamotrigine (at the request of my pdoc...don't worry). I just feel so tired, sad, irritable, and emotional. Hell, why am I even on any type of mood stabilizer if my bipolar gets worse when I'm messing with my 'cocktail'? My self-esteem is really on the low...I've even been avoiding blogging because I think that what I have to type isn't worth shit...worthless, hopeless, suicidal thoughts coming and going...I hate this...
It even crossed my mind today that maybe I don't even have bipolar, but maybe I am just an anomaly with absolutely no hope to recover from the irreparable damage done to me.
I keep doing self-dectructive things...things that I know are really bad...things that make me sick to my stomach when I realise I'm doing or have done them.
I hate being sick, I hate being fat, I hate being ugly, I hate being me. Don't bother replying any of you...I don't deserve it for this neverending pity-party I throw every day of my damn life. I think I'm going to stop blogging - I can't even express my real self here. I'm too nervous that I'm not talented enough, funny enough, cool enough...really, I truly believe it. Nothing has ever helped me to get better. I am hopeless. Goodbye.

2 comments:

marja said...

Shebee!! Don't say goodbye like that, especially now. Wow! are you ever down. That's depression talking, not the you that's in there, underneath that layer of darkness.

There IS hope. Read Psalm 40:

"I waited PATIENTLY for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

One day God will lift you out and set you on a rock as well. But you have to BELIEVE it, Shebee.

...and you keep writing.

Love, marja

shebee said...

thankyou Marja, you have made me feel a lot better...not to mention the 2mg of clonazepam I just took (a lttle much but it worked). Thankyou for your beilief in me...I will be at the next meeting this friday..love Shebee