I don't know what's going on...maybe it's because I have gone down in my paxil and up in my lamotrigine (at the request of my pdoc...don't worry). I just feel so tired, sad, irritable, and emotional. Hell, why am I even on any type of mood stabilizer if my bipolar gets worse when I'm messing with my 'cocktail'? My self-esteem is really on the low...I've even been avoiding blogging because I think that what I have to type isn't worth shit...worthless, hopeless, suicidal thoughts coming and going...I hate this...
It even crossed my mind today that maybe I don't even have bipolar, but maybe I am just an anomaly with absolutely no hope to recover from the irreparable damage done to me.
I keep doing self-dectructive things...things that I know are really bad...things that make me sick to my stomach when I realise I'm doing or have done them.
I hate being sick, I hate being fat, I hate being ugly, I hate being me. Don't bother replying any of you...I don't deserve it for this neverending pity-party I throw every day of my damn life. I think I'm going to stop blogging - I can't even express my real self here. I'm too nervous that I'm not talented enough, funny enough, cool enough...really, I truly believe it. Nothing has ever helped me to get better. I am hopeless. Goodbye.