I am so stupid! I just did something to betray the trust of one of my closest friends. I can't believe I did it. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Now I realise that it was very intrusive and dumb. What is wrong with me?
Apart from this, I still haven't gotten ANYTHING done for Christmas and today is my only real shopping 'day' that I have to get things rolling. I even forgot my own nephews birthday on the 13th. And here I am, sitting at the computer in my pj's, robe and slippers.
Here are a few other things freaking me out at the moment: we still have no place for the 1st of January; our car insurance has run out and there is no way we can afford to reinstate it any time in the near future; I still haven't gotten any of my cards replaced from when my purse was stolen (including my drivers licence, so I've been driving illegally out of sheer desperation to get around); my pay cheque was relatively small compared to the usual (I got paid today) - see Christmas stress above; My hubby and I seem to be distant right now; Yesterday I was 90 minutes late for work because I forgot to set the alarm the night before; I have to work all weekend long (including Christmas day); I am gaining weight again ( and I'm already a bloody heffer); My step-son still seems to hate us and worship his crazy mother; and last but not least, I still haven't gotten my period. But here''s the thing: I took the pregnancy test again yesterday and it still said 'negative'! Part of me was relieved, but the other part of me was (and still is) desperately sad. I'm still going to get a blood test done tomorrow though, just to be sure (I'll get it through emergency, while I'm at work at the hospital - we have connections in Medical Imaging). If I'm not pregnant, what the hell is going on with my body? Maybe I don't deserve children after all. Maybe God is punishing me.
I am sooooo depressed right now. I can't even bring myself to fold laundry, do the dishes, or get ready, even though I have sooooo much to do today. I just want to cry and cry and cry. What kind of person am I? I hate me today. I hate all the things that I have done to hurt others. I hate the fact that I get so easily overwhelmed. Look at me..I didn't even get my wedding thank you's out, and we still haven't paid the photographer all the money we owe him. We haven't even given our parents wedding photo's. We were married in June of 2005! Is this reality I'm in for real? I never meant for any of this to happen. I always had the best of intentions. I never followed through. I am awful. I didn't even send out Christmas cards this year (as if I've done it any other year).
Thoughts of suicide keep enticing me, but I don' think I could do that to my family and friends. Would I go to heaven if I did? That is another question that keeps me from really, truly considering it.
I AM a failure. My father was right...I truly am a stupid bitch.
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4 comments:
NO - NO - NO!!!!! You are not a whatever your father called you. I don't even want to repeat those words. They're abusive and cruel, and the cause of many of the problems you're having right now, I'm sure.
Have you tried making a list of all the things you need to do? Then you can tick them off as you accomplish them, one by one. You'll feel in better control.
You've got to get all that stuff that bothers you out of your head and onto paper. Then forget about the worrying and actively work on each item as you can manage it.
And PLEASE call me or Chalexa when you feel in the depths, ok? I'm home most of the time.
Love, marja
I feel much better about doing lists too Shebee... it seems overwhelming in your mind but it becomes less so when its in a list form and even less so than when you check it off.
You are really going through a lot right now. However there are certain things that you need not worry about. You don't have to worry about your friend. She loves you and doesn't view it as betrayal. I think you were exaggerating there. Secondly, you have a loving sister and nephew who i know aren't making you feel nearly as awful as you're making yourself feel.
Try to remember the true meaning of Christmas, sweetheart. Trust that God came into this world to be YOUR Saviour and will never put you into a situation you cannot handle. All you need to do is accept his gift of mercy and ask for him to guide you.
Lastly, please try to remember to prioritize. If you need help prioritizing things, ask someone outside of your situations whom you trust.
Merry Christmas, Shebee. Love ya.
Oh My Gosh!!!
No...Shebee!! When depression wants to swing in, the first thing that happens is all those bad lies whisper in our minds.
PLEASE, counter that lie by saying out loud that you are a CHILD OF GOD, a Beautiful Woman, made in His image...no more of that other, abusive word...
(i know it is hard, honey....i have been abused in the past too..but you have to counter-act it, or your mind will keep playing those tapes).
I was thinking, "lists" too while reading your post. It sounds like there is a lot to do, but it is kind of jumbled up in your mind. Which is so stressful
Maybe you could list the stuff on paper and start prioritizing which thing to address 1st, 2nd...
As far as the wedding stuff...girl, A LOT of people don't get it all done for a year or two. It is expensive and time consuming.
Just do a little every day. Maybe 1 card a night. Maybe hubby could do 1 too.
Your period might not be starting because of stress, or thyroid (a lot of people with bipolar have thyroid issues), or do you have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (a lot of women have that).
(i have PCOS, i am fine, but i have it and it used to make my periods very irregular).
You are BEAUTIFUL, you are LOVED and God has a PLAN for your life!
Take a breath and try to tackle 1 issue at a time. It sounds like there is too much going on in your mind.
Maybe your meds need to be adjusted.
Hang in there, You are precious...
I will pray extra hard for you tonight..
Remember, God Promises that He won't give us more than we can handle...tell Him, if you feel like you are at your breaking point.
He loves you, Sheebe.
Love,
Dancer
Thanks gals,
you have all made me feel as though I am very loved. It's not really permeating through yet, but hey, I am 'in the depths' at the moment. Thank you all for your prayers too. Could you please pray for my husnad and I too? We seem to be at each others throats all the time. I think my hubby has a really hard time dealing with my 'swings'. And yes, dancer, I think I do need some sort of med change...if only I had a regular pdoc. I have to rely on my gp as the city I live in is so large that all the personal pdocs aren't taking new patients, so I have to rely on outpatient clinics and such. Marja and Chalexa, I DID do the list thing yesterday and it helped a lot. Thank you for the advice. As for my wedding thankyou's, I feel as though it's too late and that everyone has already formed their opinion of me...as for my husband helping out with it...well...he doesn't exactly excel in that department. Oh and btw, it was just stress; I got my period yesterday. Man, my cramps are horrible. It was 11 days late so I guess that's why. I ended up calling in sick (again) because my cramps were so debilitating.
Anyways, that's enough out of me.
Love you gals, and thanks again.
Shebee
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