So far today, I have slept, eaten, had one cigarette, put most of the clean laundry away, and watched TV. Nothing has seemed to make me feel better. Now I am here. I'm really trying not to turn to alcohol (as the Vodka in the freezer calls my name).
I keep thinking about how I have let people down. I never got my wedding thankyou notes out (we've been married since March of 2005), I still haven't paid the rest of the money to our caterer or our photographer, and I've been a bad friend. What kind of terrible person doesn't send out their wedding thankyou's? I feel sooooo horrible about this every time it comes into my head. I want to do something about it but a voice inside plays...'you CAN'T do it, it would be insulting to all of your guests to even bother now...you're AWFUL! Imagine how many people resent you now!!!'
My support network is next to nill. I have no regular pdoc and no regular therapist. I'm still new and anonymous at my church (I tried to get involved with singing but they said they didn't need anybody). My boss is totally clueless when it comes to this type of sickness, I have no money, my hubby is really trying to undertand but is having a hard time, my family are all doing well and I don't want to bring them down with my b.s....
On tuesday I smashed my head against the wall when my hubby said he wouldn't come to parent support group with me. I then began bawling and convulsing uncontrollably. I was so angry at him for not wanting to go, and for not wanting to support me through coming with me to parent group. I was playing mind games with him, I guess. I really hurt my head...the bruise is now forming. I didn't care though. I believed I deserved it. I'm still mad that he didn't come with me...but more than that, that he didn't react to me smashing my head against the wall. He just laid there, looking at me funny and he asked if I was okay. He didn't run to my rescue and hold me in his arms...then rush us down to parent group night like I thought it should work.
I feel so crazy...why would I hurt myself to get a reaction out of my husband?
Chalexa just gave me a good suggestion...she said I really need to be honest with my gp and get a referral to see a pdoc on a regular basis. Right now my gp is just going by the pdoc notes I got from a July appointment.
Ugh...I don't know if this blog makes any sense at all...whatever, you all understand...thank God.
Btw Marja, I'll be there tomorrow.
Shebee
2 comments:
Wow, Shebee, you have a lot of needs. You have a lot to discuss with someone. I hope your gp will get you in to see a pdoc soon.
Isaiah 43:18 says "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Today is all you need to concern yourself for now. I hope you'll try not to ruminate so much on things that bother you. (I know, easier said than done.)
It'll be good to see you tomorrow.
thanks Marja...I don't know why I get like this...?
I'm so sad...nothing I do that used to bring me pleasure does anymore, like singing, for instance. I'm just so tired..feeling nauseaus and sad are not fun (that's how I've felt all day). But thankyou for being here. Thanks for your words of encouragement. God bless you.
Shebee
Post a Comment